Yes, I know and that is exactly what I meant. I don't want her doing it around me or even think it's ok with me. That's what I am fearful of the most and now that she is moved, I find it much easier to do. As for the rest, I just got to get drill that into my head (slapping my forehead repeatedly) lol. Thanks MWM (((huggs)))
difficult child picking up pot again
- Thread starter GuideMe
- Start date
Yes, I know and that is exactly what I meant. I don't want her doing it around me or even think it's ok with me. That's what I am fearful of the most and now that she is moved, I find it much easier to do. As for the rest, I just got to get drill that into my head (slapping my forehead repeatedly) lol. Thanks MWM (((huggs)))
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Gone
Guest
What a journey we are on! LOL
Take care of yourself sweetie and I am saying that to myself too , had a nice hot bath , got a load of stuff I needed to off my chest on here and to my older daughter and a social worker friend who is baffled at how they are handling this case too!!!
It helps so much to offload and get it all out and I have a busy week to look forward to with some lino being laid tomorrow and a few nice things to do around the house like hanging curtains and painting my front gate , plus my older daughter is coming over with my 2 year old little angel GD so I can't wait for that , all the above stuff and especially sharing on here keeps me SANE
lol xxx
Take care of yourself sweetie and I am saying that to myself too , had a nice hot bath , got a load of stuff I needed to off my chest on here and to my older daughter and a social worker friend who is baffled at how they are handling this case too!!!
It helps so much to offload and get it all out and I have a busy week to look forward to with some lino being laid tomorrow and a few nice things to do around the house like hanging curtains and painting my front gate , plus my older daughter is coming over with my 2 year old little angel GD so I can't wait for that , all the above stuff and especially sharing on here keeps me SANE
lol xxxI am glad she doesn't live with you. I understand the ingrained idea that pot is 'no big deal'. I worked in a place, and most of my friends did too, where pot use was expected and normal. It was a restaurant with a hippie atmosphere run by very lovely people. Even there, if it got out of hand and you caused problems, you were out. The thing I loved was that while I was offered all sorts of drugs, I was not pushed to use any of them. My choice to say no, which was due to other health problems and medications I was on, was respected. The one time someone started to pressure me, other people got really angry because that kind of pressure wasn't acceptable to any of us. I was maybe the token 'straight person', but it wasn't seen that way or made a big deal of.
Now my kids are all clean and sober, even my adult son who is old enough to drink doesn't. He has no shortage of friends,always has lots of things to go do, and his friends are all very moderate drinkers and none use drugs. There is no social isolation just because you don't use, but it is a different mindset and blaming the choice to use drugs on 'everyone does it' is just nonsense.
I am glad you share here and that you are working toward the attitude that no means no and that you won't tolerate or support any drug use. Please realize that if you have had a problem with a drug, ANY use of drugs ESPECIALLY that one will only lead to more drug use. Please don't fall back into the trap of thinking that just on weekends or once or twice is okay. It just isn't if you have a problem. Abstaining for a while doesn't make the problem go away. it isn't like an infection that goes away if you take antibiotics. It is more like a herpes that is always there even if it isn't active right this minute.
Now my kids are all clean and sober, even my adult son who is old enough to drink doesn't. He has no shortage of friends,always has lots of things to go do, and his friends are all very moderate drinkers and none use drugs. There is no social isolation just because you don't use, but it is a different mindset and blaming the choice to use drugs on 'everyone does it' is just nonsense.
I am glad you share here and that you are working toward the attitude that no means no and that you won't tolerate or support any drug use. Please realize that if you have had a problem with a drug, ANY use of drugs ESPECIALLY that one will only lead to more drug use. Please don't fall back into the trap of thinking that just on weekends or once or twice is okay. It just isn't if you have a problem. Abstaining for a while doesn't make the problem go away. it isn't like an infection that goes away if you take antibiotics. It is more like a herpes that is always there even if it isn't active right this minute.
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LOL your last sentence made me LAUGH , but oh how accurate it is!
It is the same with alcoholism , just because my difficult child is not drinking at this moment in time it does not mean the problem has ''gone away'' and I suspect she was drinking last week after a few weeks of not drinking , it doesn't just go away and the behaviour with it , there is also a ''dry drunk'' whose mindset and behaviour etc is still that of an alcoholic even if they are not picking up a drink at that moment in time but the possibility of drinking again is ALWAYS there
Fully clean for life and addressing the issues which caused the problem in the first place and full abstainance is the only way , hard to do , but possible thankfully
It does take time though , no magic wand , no overnight thing as such , it is a PATH of recovery but at least once ON that path even if a couple of falling off the paths along the way but getting straight back on then a good life is possible but they have to be out of that ''cycle'' of abuse / addiction which means they don't touch the stuff at all as a 'relapse' is different to a 'continuing cycle with little breaks in between'
What annoys me is my difficult child says she is ''in recovery'' as she has managed to not drink for a while but then goes back on it and lies about it , it is the lies and deception and denial I can't take , there is no real honesty in it and she is still in the cycle rather than in recovery , the real recovery has not even begun yet!!
stressedmama
Active Member
Having an addictive personality is not a good thing for anyone...and it doesn't have to be an addiction to heroin or alcohol. Weed, gambling, other people, shopping, etc. Whether it's weed or something else, if she's all-consumed by it, it's an addiction. Thinking she can do it occasionally is scary to me. My difficult child used heroin, stopped for almost a year and then decided to try it "one more time." 3 years later she was all-consumed by it.
Like MWM said, you can't change your difficult child but you can change how you deal with her. Enabling her (even putting gas in her car) is not helping either one of you.
I pray for strength for you and your difficult child.
Hugs!
Like MWM said, you can't change your difficult child but you can change how you deal with her. Enabling her (even putting gas in her car) is not helping either one of you.
I pray for strength for you and your difficult child.
Hugs!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Susiestar, I wish you posted more often, like you used to 
You say things in such a good way. It's true. If you have a problem with drugs, using them just sometimes first of all is probably not what is going to happen, but, say, it does. makes no difference. If YOU can't tolerate the drug, you will get into trouble and probably eventually be using every day again and moving on to harder stuff. The effects of drugs that you take nonstop becomes not enough of a high and you move on. Most of our kids started out smoking pot. Some ended up heroin addicts who need to take other medications just to stay off the heroin.
Drugs aren't ok. I can't understand ever telling your kid, young or older, that any drug use is safe or ok, including alcohol. It can be, used correctly and if you don't have the addiction gene, but you are always playing Russian roulette. And once you know, your only choice is to give all substances up and to change your entire lifestyle to clean, sober, and with a new respect for enjoying reality.
Legalizing pot won't make it safe for everyone, just like alcohol is often not safe.We don't know yet what stuff pot can cause. Bet it's plenty. Sure, it has some good uses, if a DOCTOR is prescribing it and watching the patient, but, like most substances, there are probably a lot more BAD things we don't know about yet. It hasn't been legal so it's been hard to study. In my Dad's day, cigarettes were "cool" and nobody had a clue of all the long term, horrible diseases they often cause. It takes time to find out.
I would NEVER EVER give a car or a dime for gasoline to ANYONE, my kid, my mother, my kissing cousin, my soulmate, if that person is not clean and sober. Not only would I feel responsible if the person got killed (and, yes, it happens), but I'd also feel I contributed to it if my addicted/non-sober loved one killed or hurt somebody else. Pot slows your reflexes. Alcohol, well, it is known well what it does. Nobody who isn't clean should be on the road and in my own judgmental opinion, it is wrong to help anybody have access to a vehicle if the person uses any sort of drug. You just know they are not going to abstain from driving while high or buzzed. And if it's your car or you paid for the person's ability to be on the road, in my opinion, it is partly your fault if something happens. I think I read that 50% of all car accidents are due to intoxication.
Pot is a fooler. The pot user thinks he can drive and is perfectly fine driving. It's not true. I learned long ago never to get into a car with anyone whose on any sort of drug. In my teen years, like everyone, I did know drug users and I made myself the designated driver because I did not want them behind wheel of any car I was going to be driving in. By the time I was eighteen, I no longer tolerated hanging with anyone who did that stuff. I just saw what they were like when high/drunk/both and it was a big turn off. Also, it is boring for somebody who is sober to sit and listen to people who are giggly high on anything, pot included. They think they are being very clever. They are just being dumb to somebody who has to listen and is in his/her right mind.
My .02. My disclaimer is that all of this is my opinion due to my own experiences. You don't even want to get me started on cigarette smoking...lol
Ok. Done!
You say things in such a good way. It's true. If you have a problem with drugs, using them just sometimes first of all is probably not what is going to happen, but, say, it does. makes no difference. If YOU can't tolerate the drug, you will get into trouble and probably eventually be using every day again and moving on to harder stuff. The effects of drugs that you take nonstop becomes not enough of a high and you move on. Most of our kids started out smoking pot. Some ended up heroin addicts who need to take other medications just to stay off the heroin.Drugs aren't ok. I can't understand ever telling your kid, young or older, that any drug use is safe or ok, including alcohol. It can be, used correctly and if you don't have the addiction gene, but you are always playing Russian roulette. And once you know, your only choice is to give all substances up and to change your entire lifestyle to clean, sober, and with a new respect for enjoying reality.
Legalizing pot won't make it safe for everyone, just like alcohol is often not safe.We don't know yet what stuff pot can cause. Bet it's plenty. Sure, it has some good uses, if a DOCTOR is prescribing it and watching the patient, but, like most substances, there are probably a lot more BAD things we don't know about yet. It hasn't been legal so it's been hard to study. In my Dad's day, cigarettes were "cool" and nobody had a clue of all the long term, horrible diseases they often cause. It takes time to find out.
I would NEVER EVER give a car or a dime for gasoline to ANYONE, my kid, my mother, my kissing cousin, my soulmate, if that person is not clean and sober. Not only would I feel responsible if the person got killed (and, yes, it happens), but I'd also feel I contributed to it if my addicted/non-sober loved one killed or hurt somebody else. Pot slows your reflexes. Alcohol, well, it is known well what it does. Nobody who isn't clean should be on the road and in my own judgmental
opinion, it is wrong to help anybody have access to a vehicle if the person uses any sort of drug. You just know they are not going to abstain from driving while high or buzzed. And if it's your car or you paid for the person's ability to be on the road, in my opinion, it is partly your fault if something happens. I think I read that 50% of all car accidents are due to intoxication.Pot is a fooler. The pot user thinks he can drive and is perfectly fine driving. It's not true. I learned long ago never to get into a car with anyone whose on any sort of drug. In my teen years, like everyone, I did know drug users and I made myself the designated driver because I did not want them behind wheel of any car I was going to be driving in. By the time I was eighteen, I no longer tolerated hanging with anyone who did that stuff. I just saw what they were like when high/drunk/both and it was a big turn off. Also, it is boring for somebody who is sober to sit and listen to people who are giggly high on anything, pot included. They think they are being very clever. They are just being dumb to somebody who has to listen and is in his/her right mind.
My .02. My disclaimer is that all of this is my opinion due to my own experiences. You don't even want to get me started on cigarette smoking...lol
Ok. Done!
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Guest
I agree with the stuff about having a car
I don't give my difficult child a penny
I do not AGREE with her having a car , an alcoholic with a car is a recipe for disaster and I am almost 'waiting' for that call from the police or hospital one day to say she has been in an accident
As long as my GS is okay as I do NOT want her getting in the car with HIM while she is under the influence of any substance
I've bl**dy had enough of this SELFISH ILLNESS .....It's ALWAYS ''look at me'' ''look at the next problem I am causing'' ''or the next thing to worry or be concerned about''
Do what you bl**dy want if you are on your OWN but do NOT subject my GS to it!!!
Had enough of my difficult child right now and all the ruddy STRESS she causes and like I said it's ALWAYS ''all eyes on her'' not because of her drinking etc but because of the possible IMPACT ON MY GS possibly in the very short future but also in the long term future it is the most self centred self absorbed delusional deceitful horrid rotten illness I have ever come across
Not well? Can't manage the kids? get them looked after till you are BETTER rather than ''pretending'' you are well and everything is fine when deep down you know it is NOT
I was unwell a good few years ago and asked a family member to look after the kids who were then young teens for me , missed them heaps so took them back when I wasn't ready but QUICKLY had to admit it was too early and return them , till I WAS truly better and then everything was fine
So ''missing a child and wanting them back'' I can understand but also ADMITTING when you are NOT well enough to take care of them as yet especially when it is a little 7 year old with Autism who does not understand what the hell is going on and has been moved from pillar to post already!!
Wait until you are fully recovered , NOT practically on day 1 of your recovery process or even not even ON day 1 as yet! lol xx
But then I am relating it to someone who is thinking clearly and rationally x
I don't give my difficult child a penny
I do not AGREE with her having a car , an alcoholic with a car is a recipe for disaster and I am almost 'waiting' for that call from the police or hospital one day to say she has been in an accident
As long as my GS is okay as I do NOT want her getting in the car with HIM while she is under the influence of any substance
I've bl**dy had enough of this SELFISH ILLNESS .....It's ALWAYS ''look at me'' ''look at the next problem I am causing'' ''or the next thing to worry or be concerned about''
Do what you bl**dy want if you are on your OWN but do NOT subject my GS to it!!!
Had enough of my difficult child right now and all the ruddy STRESS she causes and like I said it's ALWAYS ''all eyes on her'' not because of her drinking etc but because of the possible IMPACT ON MY GS possibly in the very short future but also in the long term future it is the most self centred self absorbed delusional deceitful horrid rotten illness I have ever come across
Not well? Can't manage the kids? get them looked after till you are BETTER rather than ''pretending'' you are well and everything is fine when deep down you know it is NOT
I was unwell a good few years ago and asked a family member to look after the kids who were then young teens for me , missed them heaps so took them back when I wasn't ready but QUICKLY had to admit it was too early and return them , till I WAS truly better and then everything was fine
So ''missing a child and wanting them back'' I can understand but also ADMITTING when you are NOT well enough to take care of them as yet especially when it is a little 7 year old with Autism who does not understand what the hell is going on and has been moved from pillar to post already!!
Wait until you are fully recovered , NOT practically on day 1 of your recovery process or even not even ON day 1 as yet! lol xx
But then I am relating it to someone who is thinking clearly and rationally x
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Do you think alcoholism is your daughters only "illness?" Was she easy to raise and responsible before she started drinking? I'm just wondering if the poor choices and behaviors were ingrained in her before the drinking began. For some people here that is the case and the substance abuse only makes it worse.
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WOW spot on
Always been difficult since teens
Her sister , no trouble at all
Loads of ups and downs and altercations since , police at door , expelled from school etc etc so no , it has not been an easy ride but she seemed to ''settle'' once she had my GS , only for it to all start up again when he was around 5 years old , but the ''peaceful'' times haven't seemed to last for long , nor the 'homely times' as she hooks up with the wrong crowd again only for the bullsh*t to start over
This time 2 bereavements in a week , hitting the bottle HARD and chaos and disruption to the max ever since!
She says she is READY to have her son back , she says she WON'T hit the bottle again but that is so yet to be seen and she said social services should give her a chance but I said ''social services don't TAKE a CHANCE when it comes to a CHILD''
I have been encouraging her to keep my GS where he is and flat out told her I think it is too soon but it is like she didn't hear me
She seems to honestly think she is 'ready' somehow...
Wish us luck coz she's gonna need it to keep off the drink and settle down into a ''normal'' home life and I'M gonna need it as I reckon it will be a ROCKY road ahead!!! x
Always been difficult since teens
Her sister , no trouble at all
Loads of ups and downs and altercations since , police at door , expelled from school etc etc so no , it has not been an easy ride but she seemed to ''settle'' once she had my GS , only for it to all start up again when he was around 5 years old , but the ''peaceful'' times haven't seemed to last for long , nor the 'homely times' as she hooks up with the wrong crowd again only for the bullsh*t to start over
This time 2 bereavements in a week , hitting the bottle HARD and chaos and disruption to the max ever since!
She says she is READY to have her son back , she says she WON'T hit the bottle again but that is so yet to be seen and she said social services should give her a chance but I said ''social services don't TAKE a CHANCE when it comes to a CHILD''
I have been encouraging her to keep my GS where he is and flat out told her I think it is too soon but it is like she didn't hear me
She seems to honestly think she is 'ready' somehow...
Wish us luck coz she's gonna need it to keep off the drink and settle down into a ''normal'' home life and I'M gonna need it as I reckon it will be a ROCKY road ahead!!! x
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
My heart goes out to you. I doubt she will ever be ready to be a responsible mother. If he is settled and liking w here he is, maybe it is better if she never gets him back. He needs to stay in one stable home.
I'm really sorry. What a mess, but this is your daughter's doing. I don't even know why she wants him back. She can't think she is good for him, DNA mother or not. :/ Even if she one day gets clean, if son has spent most of his life with another family, should he come home? Not questions to answer here..just maybe things to think about.
Hugs.
I'm really sorry. What a mess, but this is your daughter's doing. I don't even know why she wants him back. She can't think she is good for him, DNA mother or not. :/ Even if she one day gets clean, if son has spent most of his life with another family, should he come home? Not questions to answer here..just maybe things to think about.
Hugs.
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Gone
Guest
I have heard of a parent coming clean and getting their children back after 3 whole years away!
Also heard of 2 cases where a relative fought for about a year for the child and then got them
If either is permanently clean and STABLE then that is a happy ending - I don't mind either of the scenario's above as long as it is ONE of them and my GS has a stable home for the rest of his life xx
Am sure my GS would prefer it was with a permanently secure family member x
Also heard of 2 cases where a relative fought for about a year for the child and then got them
If either is permanently clean and STABLE then that is a happy ending - I don't mind either of the scenario's above as long as it is ONE of them and my GS has a stable home for the rest of his life xx
Am sure my GS would prefer it was with a permanently secure family member x
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
GS may attach to his foster family. If he is there long enough he may want to remain there. It is not a given that a child wants to go home where he has so many bad memories. He is already seven and has been tossed around a lot. That probably has caused some attachment problems. When I did foster care I knew many kids who did not want to go home. They were afraid of all it would bring and some did not feel connected to their family. Their family had let them down...mostly mom. And that is who they think of first when they think "family."
But I truly don't think he will ever again be in daughter's care. We'll see. If GS goes to you right away that would be safe, but you'd have to keep him away from daughter. Are you willing to do that?
But I truly don't think he will ever again be in daughter's care. We'll see. If GS goes to you right away that would be safe, but you'd have to keep him away from daughter. Are you willing to do that?
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My difficult child does not even know where I live - I have not told her where I live or my address etc since I moved 15 weeks ago and I have told other family members to do the same , visits would have to be at a contact centre as they are at present
Not going to say any more as am getting upset and best I leave
Not going to say any more as am getting upset and best I leave
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He says ''Nanny's house'' every time I see him , and throughout the visit 3 or 4 times he says ''Bye Bye ( foster cares name )'' and struggles to go with her and holds my hand tightly when it is time to leave , anyway , maybe no one knows the full situation or what I have been through for and am willing to do for that little boy!
He could have a near to perfect life here..
No contact with his Mum would be fine.
He could have a near to perfect life here..
No contact with his Mum would be fine.
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toughlovin
Well-Known Member
OK Here is my take...You have absolutely no control over whether or not she uses drugs or drinks. She is now not living with you. You can set limits on what you will be around, so yes you can choose not to be around her if she is high or drunk. I dont think it works to set any kind of conditions on help though, so if you say you will not buy her gas if she is using weed, then she will just hide it more from you so that you will buy her gas.
I have recently found that I no longer ask my difficult child if he is using drugs or drinking. I can tell from posts on FB that he is to some extent but I am keeping my mouth shut. He is not living with me, he is in another state. I have helped him out somewhat financially recently.... his requests have been reasonable but there. He is doing better than in the past.
I would be happier if he was truly sober and i know he isn't.... but I have decided it is no longer my fight to fight. He is going to do what he needs to do. So I look at requests for things as I would for any other kid his age and in his situation.
So my feeling is yes dont give your difficult child cash that she can use directly for drugs. But if you want to buy her a tank of gas, if that makes you feel better in some way then go ahead and do it. I just dont think setting up a condition, I wont do this unless I know you are sober works. It doesnt. So do what makes you feel best and leave it at that.
TL
I have recently found that I no longer ask my difficult child if he is using drugs or drinking. I can tell from posts on FB that he is to some extent but I am keeping my mouth shut. He is not living with me, he is in another state. I have helped him out somewhat financially recently.... his requests have been reasonable but there. He is doing better than in the past.
I would be happier if he was truly sober and i know he isn't.... but I have decided it is no longer my fight to fight. He is going to do what he needs to do. So I look at requests for things as I would for any other kid his age and in his situation.
So my feeling is yes dont give your difficult child cash that she can use directly for drugs. But if you want to buy her a tank of gas, if that makes you feel better in some way then go ahead and do it. I just dont think setting up a condition, I wont do this unless I know you are sober works. It doesnt. So do what makes you feel best and leave it at that.
TL
