difficult child & poor decisions

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Jun 1, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I am trying to get this house in order for GAL's visit this week. I bought posters and stuff to hang over the worst areas of wall damage. It isn't going to hide everything and it wasn't my intent to cover up the fact that he rages, but I didn't want it to look like I just didn't care and had no pride in our home.

    Anyway, his rages have seemed to decrease in frequency, however, he is more aggressive toward me when they happen. Could AP's make that happen?

    And what is it with this dysfunctional way of thinking? It is driving me nuts. He has known for 3 - 4 days that I neeeded his help this weekend. When nothing big is going on, he normally helps me willingly and does a good job. Under pressure and when there is no choice, he refuses and acts like he will just do what he wants to- which is nothing productive. I need him to clean his bedroom and the game room (straighten- I didn't ask for thorough cleaning), help me shampoo carpet (3 roooms), and help hang this stuff. He has this "I'll show you- I'm not going to do anything you want me to" attitude.:biting:

    Now, it is him that stands to be removed from home- albeit they are about stupid enough to send him to Fl to live with my bro. (Have I mentioned how I feel about that?) Or, they could put him in detention or an out-of-state Residential Treatment Center (RTC)- which I doubt that they will do. Or, they could order me to some classses under the impression that if I was a better Mom, he wouldn't be this way. Not that I am perfect, but I don't think be a bad Mom caused all this.:dissapointed::sad-very:

    Anyway- do any others here experience this kind of choice with their difficult child's? As in- when the chips are down and their butt is on the line and we are trying to help them, they dig themselves in deaper?

    I guess I will just clean and take care of the other areas besides his bedroom and the game room and it will probably hit him at bed time tomorrow night. Then watch- I could almost bet that he will refuse to go to school either tomorrow or Tues. or both. Why? Because that would be the dumbest decision when it is so important to make the right decision.:angry-very:

  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    What AP did he end up on? What dose?
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He went from zyprexa to seroquel (not long enough to try manic dose- per psychiatrist's choice) and is now on risperdal. He is currently taking 1 mg and I have psychiatrist's permission to titrate him up to 4 mg per day. I haven't done this because his sleeping patterns are where they should be on this dose and difficult child was pretty upset over taking medications that just "zonked him out". If I raised the risperdal, would it only make him more sedated, or does it help with raging?

    The lithobid (900mg) used to wipe out raging completely, and take care of sleep problems. Then, it wasn't very effective. He's on 1200 mg of lithobid now and this is still a problem. He has put on weight and gotten taller- maybe he needs more lithobid. But, then, there is the issue of being jittery and haviing involuntary muscle movements.
  4. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Anxiety, it's all about fear and anxiety. Fight-or-flight. He's too scared to function. If he mentally runs from it -- denial -- he doesn't have to deal with it. Same thing that causes him to be more aggressive with you -- the fight side.

    Jittery and involuntary muscle movements can be the antipsychotics as well as the lithium.....or the combination.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    What, if anything, can I do about this? Like- in the next five mins? LOL!
  6. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    When I was in your position, I didn't push my son. I did what I could do and the rest didn't get done. Last thing you need now is to trigger a rage, lose the time you could be cleaning AND have more cleaning and damage to be fixed.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Sara! He's on the deck now with the "tough guy" attitude- I think you might have hit the nail on the head. I'm just speaking normally to him and going on with what I need to do.

    Any other opinions are appreciated as well, especially since the GAL may or may not give a chance to explain anything and probably didn't read or really "get it" if she did read the list of sympotommatic signs that I had faxed her.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, we are just taking a short break now before we start on the carpet cleaning. We have hung posters and a tapestry and can hang a couple of other pictures tomorrow.

    After I posted last, difficult child came in and asked me to take him to psychiatric hospital because he was having thoughts of killing me! I asked if he always felt that way or just right now. He said he just felt that way today. He said he was already stressed enough when here I come just laying more on him to do. Ok, I tell him I think he's right about that- I am stressed, too. I told him since he was able to identify these things and discuss them with me, that I thought he could probably work through it this time without a psychiatric hospital visit. And, that we both probably just needed to relax a little and just do the best we can, that's all. He said ok, then started helping me. We ate a bite together and have been doing chores. :)

    You all keep me sane... Thank you, Sara!!
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Is it possible that telling him you will take him to a movie, out to dinner, whatever after you work together would help?? Or some way to have a relaxing evening together??

    I think you are handling this wonderfully. I am also very impressed that he felt he could come to you (and DID come to you) when he had thoughts of killing you. THAT is just wonderful, in my opinion. Your response was great too.

    If he is going to go to school and get into trouble, would it look so bad if he stayed home sick?? Not sure what the provisions are with your work, etc... or if this would mean he had an unsupervised day and would get into trouble at home or go wander the street, so I can't say if it would help.

    But if the whole GAL visit has him super stressed, then school may not be the best place for him. in my opinion it would be an absence due to his disorders, so calling him in sick would work for ME (but not sure how things are for you - it IS a personal call). Maybe provide some movies for him to watch, up the risperdal for the day and let him sleep.

    We had a LOT of luck with risperdal helping to calm aggression. When he raged, he still targetted me, but he didn't rage as often.

    Will he listen to meditational tapes, or music that is soothing if he stays home tomorrow?? Just me, but if he is home alone tomorrow, I would take any violent video games/movies to work in my car. I would NOT say anything, not make it obvious, but just have them not around.

    It is close to the end of the year, and if he is this much into the "fight or flight" then a day off might be a way to help him cope with the upcoming visit. He has to be very scared they will take him from you. He probably knows that there are not very many people he could go to with thoughts of killing them and NOT end up in the police station, or at the very least having the person be very unwilling to be around him.

    Good luck with the cleaning, and with the visit.


  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Susie!! We plan on having a relaxed weekend next week. I will try to make it something a little special. He goes to court twice the following week so that should be warranted. I like the idea of relaxing music- I wonder if I can get him to listen to it! We both could use it!

    He needs to go to school this week for final tests- and I don't want him to be home alone tomorrow. I was planning on taking Tues. off so I can get the rest of the stuff done that will go quicker if he's not here. But, if he's stressed to the point of not functioning well, I will make arrangements somehow for us both to stay home.

    About the fight or flight- when he came and told me that stuff earlier, I asked if he was trying to tell me that since he couldn't get away from it all, did he just feel like he had to fight back. He said yes, that he would really rather run (his words) but he couldn't because he's on a monitor through probation. I never would have thought about that if Sara, or someone, hadn't mentioned it.

    Anyway, he's sanding the wall now to remove the nasty words he scored into it. He's hanging in there pretty well- I had to break down chores for him- so instead of "cleaning his room", it was pick up any garbage (wrappers, old paper, etc), then, straighten dresser and desk, etc., and letting him know that if he does "this" then I will do "that". Really, it is probably better for us both to stay busy than to sit around thinking about the punishment he could receive.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like things are a bit quieter...sending hugs and good thoughts!
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you! Yes- the goal for the day was met!! YIPEE!! I think he feels better, too, to have his bedroom carpet shampooed and clean bedroom.

    Let's just hope he can maintain and help me some tomorrow evening!! It won't be as much, but still, I just don't think I want a meltdown tomorrow night.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Cory gets like this...and I do too. When we are under extreme pressure we blow. Cory is on some super strict rules right now with his probation and he is doing some really idiotic things that if he gets caught...he will go to prison. He knows it, I know it...but its like he has to walk that line. He has a 7pm curfew. He will push it right up to the very last second...and sometimes 5 mins after it. Its like he has to see if that line is there. Not my problem.

    When he was waiting to go to court he was like a caged animal. When he knows he is doing something wrong...he gets the same way. I just back off and go somewhere else.
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Janet! I do worry about how things will be when and if difficult child is out of legal trouble- will he be pushing the limits with me more, etc. Will he give in to those thoughts? A week ago, it was thoughts about hurting himself, this weekend it was about me.

    The only thing keeping me going is that I have an appointment with a new therapist today who knew all the right things to say and sounds sooooo much more experienced than any other we have talked to.

    It is good that you can detach from Cory to a certain extent, at least. I'm not sure where the appropriate "line" is for detachment of a 13 yo. I try to keep it at the area where the punishment is a result of him breaking the law- and remind him and myself that I was not the one who broke the law. At the same time, I am the one legally responsible no matter what- PO and GAL remind me of that.