difficult child says

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 28, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    he wants to give live my bro instead of juvy if he ends up with that option but he really prefers to either come straight home or go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), then home. He then said that since finances are tough, he wants to go live with my bro until my finances are straightened out, then come home.

    Now, in a typical family, that would probably make sense but in my family, well...difficult child does not know the details of a lot of things and my bro and I don't get along and haven't even spoken. First, I definitely don't think this is in difficult child's best interest- I think he just wants resolution. He said he could not take juvy and it would undo what he's trying to do as far as getting a grip on his life. I do agree with that and was proud of him for it. But then he said he just wanted to take the easiest way out of this, which leads to 2) My financial situation is in large part because of having to pay legal fees (difficult child's and custody case from bro), private insurance costs, restitution and loss of pay for all these requirements and supervising difficult child when he's not stable. difficult child hasn't even spoken to my bro in 18mos, per difficult child's own choice. difficult child didn't sound like he was doing this as a sacrafice to help me financially- he was just matter-of-fact about it. He did add, though, that he didn't want to end up like a boy there that had been in foster care and group homes for 6 years and he was afarid of me losing parental rights. I assured him that wasn't happening because I have not abused or neglected or abandoned him, and would not.

    I felt a big tinge of resentment when difficult child said what he did because I felt like he drained me dry, now he just wants to go live with someone who hasn't helped with any of this- financially, emotionally, or any other way. Carp- he contributed to it. Then he turns around and asked if I would come there tomorrow and bring him gum and deoderant.

    Am I being taken for granted here or what? Not to mention, I can't sell this house for what it's worth due to the damage difficult child did to it, that I can't afford to get fixed. I can assure you, if I thought for one second that my bro would be a good guardian, this boy would be gone- except then I think he'd have it too easy. As it is, with my fears (which I swear I think are valid), going to my bro's is just not an acceptable alternative to me. And, then, after this conversation, I would be advocating for detention (short term and local) because maybe it would be a good thing if Residential Treatment Center (RTC) couldn't be an option, except that I do think it would be more of a detriment.

    Oh, I asked difficult child, if it turned out to be an option, what about local foster care for a short time while we worked thru therapy before he came home. He said he'd prefer to just go to my bro's until I (me) got myself straightened out. Ok, well, I didn't hold a knife to his throat, I didn't get arrested every year for the 4th year now, I didn't do the damage to the house, so I seriously think my approach in the next court will be to ask if they could remove difficult child from the room while I get to the core of a big problem here- these people either have to quit handling things that reinforce this blame on me from difficult child or leave me alone. I can't raise him without them being willing to back me up and hold him accountable.

    No, I won't say it so bluntly in court, but carp, this is starting to hit the nail on the head, between PO and people in court talking about letting difficult child out then asking for the evaluation on me and their attitude in general. This is exactly what has been eating at me- I need to be the one in control of my house or I CAN"T make difficult child do what he's supposed to do. And the more the court orders, the more difficult child feels like I will be the one to get in trouble or be held accountable- not him- and he can just walk and go live with my bro until "I get it straightened out". I wish I had recorded that conversation to play it back for the judge. I would blame difficult child solely, but I can see where he got these ideas.

    Last edited: Feb 28, 2009
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    klmno, first off, big hugs. This whole situation can't be easy for you.

    Second, if you don't think difficult child should go to your bro's because it's detrimental, it shouldn't happen, period. End of story.

    Third, difficult child is 14. He has a mental illness. He shouldn't be making the decisions or calling the shots. You as the parent should be. I've never been an authoritarian parent, but husband and I are about to make some treatment decisions that our son isn't going to like. But it's too bad because he really doesn't know what he needs right now.

    Fourth, I'm having a hard time following the ins and outs of your case. Is Residential Treatment Center (RTC) still an option on the table? If so, that should be your goal instead of worrying about whether you or difficult child is the cause of your problems. Again, difficult child has a mental illness. He needs treatment.

    Hang in there.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you, SW! It just hurt my feelings and made me feel used. I realize it's my responsibility to financially provide for difficult child and that the natural consequences have become almost unbearable- if not completley. But shouldn't he be old enough to at least start realizing how this has had an effect on things and be a little appreciative, instead of just wanting to walk away into another household until I can get back the way things were?

    Yes, mental illness and treatment is what I need to stay focused on. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is still an option, unless gal wants something else because she'll win in court. If she doesn't put a lot of weight on the mental illness, then it doesn't hurt to make sure other things come out to put others' fears at rest. For instance, psychiatrist prepared me for some people fighting the decision unless it's a secure faacility and things like that.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Ditto Smallword.

    As far as realizing the effect his choices have had on you (his family) and being appreciative? Nope - don't expect that now, if ever. When we had the "you're turning 18, the bills are your's now" talk and then defined what my difficult child can expect per hospitalization, per dr. visit, or even monthly for medications, he was stunned the *he* would be expected to pay those amounts (and we're just talking copay because we're keeping him on ins. as long as possible). And it's not just the financial aspects - I don't know if they can ever appreciate the trauma and stress and ... well you know, the whole kit and caboodle they put on their families. It sure would be nice but... not holding my breath here.

    One day at a time, hon. by the way - are you taking care of *you* right now? What did you do for yourself this weekend?
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you! I didn't get anything accomplished. I slept half the day because I was up half the night. I lestened to music, played with the dogs, played a computer game and just made myself a pizza. It's not good, but it could be worse, I guess. LOL!!!

    I'd feel a lot better about the difficult child situation if there was more common understanding between the gal and the mental health professionals. When she gets on board, I guess I act like I expect her to start advocating for difficult child. She doesn't really do that- she checks sd records, verifies that I'm taking him to treatment, etc. but that's about it. I keep trying to get her more involved so she'll have a better understanding of his issues, can open more doors by advocating, and hopefully, can realize what this is like on me and that I'm the one holding this together- not causing the problem. Obviously, I'm expecting too much from her. Maybe this is the disadvantage of having our gal's be attny's, but apparently only minimal training outside of that.

    A good example of this- difficult child's diagnosis was a questionable BiPolar (BP) vs depression/anxiety/adjustment disorder. This was last year and those in court seemed to see this as a big conflict and disagreement between psychiatrists. I didn't because they were just too closely related. But, I explained it as best as I could. We treated it as BiPolar (BP), as both psychiatrists suggested. Now, where difficult child is, they are evaluation'ing this as well, and keeping difficult child on MS's, which I agree with and am happy for. The gal acted like because difficult child's primary diagnosis is currently listed as a mood disorder, that his diagnosis has changed again. I don't view it that way,. But goodness, the rest of them in the courtroom didn't seem to even understand as much as the gal- they seemed to think a mood disorder diagnosis is a joke and means nothing. I think the judge understood a little more than the gal but not completely, although it appeared that she either took note or started to look it up. I hope she googled it and saw that a mood disorder diagnosis basicly means that it doesn't completely qualify for BiPolar (BP) based on what they are seeing at this time but clearly, something is going on. And it could be major depression with some secondary things going on, but still, it is a serious issue.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2009
  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I feel for you klmno, especially when the diagnosis was met with less than sober interest.
    you have so much on your plate and it is amazing that you are aware and have details in perspective. I hand it to you you are prioritizing on target.
    I hope that as this all plays out that what you know is the best choices does transpire.
    Until your sons condition is stable and he is in effective treatment and committed to his own well being you are just on edge. I am so aware how awful you must be feeling and how desperate for this to work out well for your son and for you.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    KLMNO, the appreciation thing is something that doesn't come with these difficult children, heck even pcs till they have kids of their own. It truly is a thankless job.

    But we understand and applaud you for doing all you have and continue to do to make sure difficult child gets the best possible help.

    You embody the essence of "warrior mom". Hugs, ML