difficult child was removed from our home tonight

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gwenny, Feb 26, 2009.

  1. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    It's been a long couple of hours. difficult child flipped out on husband tonight and we called the crisis team who called 911 because difficult child was threatening to kill himself. He tied a belt around his neck, took pens and marked up his arms and some paper clips (didnt break the skin). Been down this road its for attention. husband told the crisis team and police to remove him from this home because I don't feel safe with him here. He hurt the dog and was intimidating me yesterday.

    The crisis team said they will probably hospitalize him until they can place him in a group home. Does anyone have experience with group homes as for how they are run and what they do with them there? One sheriff had been here 2 other times and remembered our situation. My husband is refusing to go to the hospital because he's just fed up.

    What do we do at this point? I don't want difficult child back until we can get his behavior under control as he is a ticking time bomb waiting to really explode.

    Please any advise from anyone who has been down this road. Thank you in advance.

    Thank god this counselor came to our home today other wise we wouldnt be able to do anything with him other than send him to the hospital.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I don't have any experience with this but I wanted to send you a supportive {{{hug}}}.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Group homes vary in structure... someone will be along who has experience with them, I'm sure. I looked at a couple for Youngest but never placed her in one.

    Hugs from this corner. Get some rest, and peace. He's safe, and all of you are safe. That's what matters at the moment.
  4. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Thank you. I know it was the right thing to do, but I know husband is having a hard time with it. I will be able to sleep good for the 1st time since nov. I am looking forward to it. I hope the group homes are a good fit other than juvinile detention.

    Thank you again and I am so glad I found you all as this is really a soft place to land.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am glad the counselor responded quickly and appropriately, and I'm glad the sheriff remembered you all.
    I've got my fingers crossed that your stepson gets the right diagnosis and good medications and counseling. I know you will sleep well!!!!
    So sorry about husband. He's got to face everything now. Try to be supportive of him.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    No experience here, either. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope others here who have been down this road will chime in soon.
  7. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Ok, just got back from hospital because husband needed to sign paperwork and we husband went kicking and screaming as he's exhausted from working 12 hours a day and commuting 2 hours. we went met with the crisis team who stated that its very evident that he has no remorse. We told her what has been going on and let me tell you what he said.

    I stated that he has made the comment to his mother that he will come between husband and myself and tonight he said really loud and aggressivly that he will if it is the last thing he does.

    Second he admitted to hurting our dog yesterday on purpose. And told the lady that I manipualte his father into beliveing that he is some type of crazy lunatic...(sorry to say he did that himself)

    he stated that he wants to go back to his mother and that we just want to make his life hell and that we dont want to pay child support for him..
    he said that he hates me and never ever liked me (duh really) wow at least he said it.

    I am very impressed with husband tonight as he told the woman that he can no longer stay in our home because the other child here is disappearing and there is no time for him. He told her that he will either have to go to a group home or juvie, at this point because we dont have the means to care for him in the home. The woman stated that we were great parents for recognizing the fact that we cant do it alone. husband stated that difficult child has not paid any kind of price big enough for all the lives he is and has destroyed.

    Well difficult child is now sitting in the hospital by himself until a bed opens at a inpatient care facility until we can place him in a group home. She said that a group home can really work for kids like him at he is so very detached from any feelings at all.

    BEST Part of all, last week we had to take him to the hospital because he faked passing out on his birthday just not to do school work.. so we spent the night in the er just to be told he was faking. Well the nurse that was there that night was his nurse again tonight. So he was talking with us to the crisis team and he told her all about our experience.(just another person to verify his lies.

    Ok so he will have to wait there until a bed opens up which can take days but he will stay by himself as husband says he is done. I think he is just so tired and angry now and will come around in a couple of days.

    I'm going to hit the hay now finally and get some good sleep as I need it. I am keeping my son home tomorrow and going to take him to the movies and what ever else he would like to do...
  8. Janna

    Janna New Member

    It depends what type of "group home" they're talking about. There's theraputic foster care, there's independent living type environments (like halfway houses), there's Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) (Residential).

    All, individually, can have outstanding results, but require components. #1, the child has to be willing to work. It's not "have fun and go home in 5 months after doing nothing". #2, good staff, good psychiatrist, good therapist. Some places have psychiatrists that are contracted out, for example, that aren't on staff. So psychiatrists are stuck relying on info from the therapist or staff or whoever, and alot of times, too many hands in the pot makes a mess. #3, good discharge plan with goals.

    Those are what I think is important, having been down all 3 roads.

    I'm sorry he had to be removed, but you weren't safe. You need to take this time for yourself, Gwenny.
  9. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I am so sorry you're going through this. My youngest son has been in several group homes, as well as juvenile hall. He is currently in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It has been my experience that the best bet is get an IEP going and find an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) throgh the school district. I hope it goes better for you in your situation. It sounds like a rough road ahead. It's never easy. I know.
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    My son wm, is currently & has been for almost 3 year now, in a therapeutic foster/group home. It's been our lifeline for him.

    All medical needs are addressed; all psychiatric needs are addressed. The treatment team meets there for wm's quarterly staffing. wm has a varied & strong team & we're seeing progress.

    Push for a therapeutic group home with known, documented results. In the meantime, given your situation at home ~ take what you can get to keep your family safe. There are times that's the only way. You cannot lose the whole because one is so very mentally ill. I don't mean this to sound harsh but has been a reality in my home.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    So sorry to hear that you are going through all this. You sound like you are really on top of things! Enjoy your day with your son.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I am sorry to hear about this, but it sounds like you got through to husband and he is on the same page now. Also lots of stepkids don't like their stepparents... Sometimes they figure out that the stepparents aren't so bad. My SKs like me most of the time, but they recognized early on that I wasn't trying to be their mother. When you add any kind of mental illness into the mix, things just get more complicated.

    I am hoping and praying that they can find a good Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for him. In the meantime, take some time to relax - and keep something in mind - I have a hard time with this - you did not cause this - you are doing your best - and we are all here for you!
  13. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I had a good friend in college who grew up in a group home. His mother was poor with lots of kids, and his dad was in a psychiatric jail. When his dad came out, his mother ran off and left the kids with him. His sister was sexually abused by the dad, and my friend spent a couple years on the top of a bunk bed, pretty much the only place he could stay and not get beaten.

    They eventually put him in a group home. He loved it. Called the group home leader mom and kept in touch with her while he was in college and the army.

    Made a few bad choices with drugs, but eventually worked his way through college and got a Ph.D in chemistry from the U. of Michigan.

    Still calls his group mother 'mom'. But then he doesn't have a mom otherwise.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Just wanted to send you support and gentle ((((hugs)))) today....

    Hope you can find a moment to relax and process everything that has happened. This must be so hard on you!

  15. AnnMarieTN

    AnnMarieTN New Member

    I have no advice, but will keep you in my thoughts/prayers. (((hug)))

    I hope you were able to sleep well.
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No advice or suggestions, but wanted to send hugs and support.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds like some positive results have come from the crisis. I'm glad that you all feel good about the next steps.
    Hugs. DDD
  18. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Thank you all for all your wonderful support. Well I received the call that they found have a bed for him and is transfered to the Pysch hospital.

    Can you imagine that difficult child called husband and asked when he was picking him up???Unbeliveable!!

    Well he than spoke with someone at the hospital who told my husband that difficult child would have to wait in the lobby until he can get there.

    Now they called back and said that if husband is not there is 15 mins they will have to call CPS. What else can go wrong. husband explained that he cannot lose his job and cannot get there until this evening. He told them that I could sign whatever papers needed signing, and they said no!!

    What do we do at this point?

    The **** difficult child causes is just too much as he's not even here and is causing us stress!!!:(
  19. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I guess if husband really REALLY can't go sign him in at the hospital, I'd go and sit with difficult child in the lobby, 'supervising' him until this evening when husband can get there. If difficult child acts up, then heck, there you are in the psychiatric hospital with witnesses.

    You don't want him to lose his job, you don't want difficult child to lose his placement, you don't want CPS involvement. No one can complain of abandonment or neglect if an adult is there too.

    You can also call the crisis team and your case worker and see what they can arrange. Maybe they can plead your case.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2009
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm sorry for all the chaos in your home and with your family. Please know that one of the most favorite games of difficult child's is conquer and divide. When children have what is known as self-taught coping skills they tend to lash out and be angry, hurtful, narcissistic people. We as parents try to nuture them figuring that eventually THEY will be "NORMAL" and stop all the junk and just behave. With difficult child's they've been coping on their own for so long they have to be retrained to learn HOW to behave. Medicines help get their moods stable on occasion to allow them to be more open to therapy. Your son at this time is in for a lifetime of therapy just so that he can have a chance at life. It's a committment that you, husband and the other child in the home face.

    Your husband is angry, and with just reason. This is why the entire family needs to be in therapy. At some point in time - you are going to have to face the fact that your son WILL be coming home to live. This starts a vicious cycle as far as I'm concerned because the MOST that ANY Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will keep a child is 18 months. If they see little to no progress on behalf of the child? It's usually less. Most of these places have people they answer to and success rates ARE checked and monitored so they continue to get grant monies and donations. No one wants to be a philanthropist to a lost cause.

    Feel free to PM me about RTCs, phospitals and Therapeutic foster care, group homes and anything else - Dude has spent sadly, more time in them than at home in the last 10 years. Currently he lives in foster care. But I will say this. The first time Dude was placed outside the home - he was gone for about 6 months and after a nice rest I felt I could deal with him better. I was so worn out. They kept him for 18 months and a room full of their own people, staff, psychiatrists, and tdocs said "There is no hope for him...none." and sent him home to live with me again. The first 3 days were heaven and then it all fell apart. DO NOT allow that to happen. Always keep checking ahead with other group homes and Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s in and around your area, get into counseling and get a plan A, B and C.

    You're going to need the rest you'll get now - but ....Eventually guilt comes knocking or you see some improvement in your child on visitation day. I can also tell you being the stoic father who disapproves of his sons behavior and rewards him with absence? Not so good. It will not and does not send the message your son needs right now. So as soon as you can - find out when you can get therapy for everyone and don't think just because he is gone -the house will be okay - it wont. You're going to need to start NOW to learn strategies to deal with this kid AND how to be 100% united in front of him on EVERYTHING.

    Hope this helps