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difficult child's Expectations
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 574696" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I would not, until firmer plans are in place, pass another large chunk (or any chunk!!) to your parents. While you didn't want your difficult child under your roof without her working to do better, you also didn't want her to go to your parents and if I'm recalling right (correct me please if I'm mixing up things, there are a lot of members so I may be confused) your parents just sort of jumped in and on the difficult child bandwagon and this was all beyond your input. Financial support obviously is an obligation until 18th birthday. Beyond that, if she still lives with your parents, I wouldn't feel bad at their CHOICE to enable and house her, they can foot the bill and obviously they don't mind. I would NOT however give cash to your parents that will be handed to difficult child. I would probably tell your parents (or send a letter if it is easier for your) stating that you are obligated to provide needs for difficult child until she is no longer a minor, and you get that. Her roof however is now provided by your parents by THEIR choice, NOT yours. That is then their financial responsability. I would try to figure out how much it has cost you on average for food a month for difficult child when she was at home. I would offer to provide that amount in form a gift card for their local favorite grocery store, to ensure YOUR money pays for difficult children FOOD. Period. I would send one package a month with 1 toothpaste, bar of soap, shampoo, a few razors and shave cream, box of hygeine products. I would let them know that all medical issues until her 18th birthday, they simply need to provide you reciepts and you will happily reimburse (plus use said reciepts if helpful at your tax prep time). I would be clear, SHE and THEY chose this living arrangement. You are NOT as a parent EVER obligated for the "fun stuff" and make it clear that difficult child is NOT participating as a member of the family now, and while at home was making life hades for everyone else anyhow. So at your parents as well as in your home, natural consequences for the difficult child behaviors are going to remain that the "fun stuff" she wants, she can work for, or live without. I would then state that if your parents want to enable and provide the NON NEEDS, it is NOT your business, and they are free to do so, but it is NOT their place to demand nor expect you to provide NON NEEDS. I may be a hard nut to crack here, but honestly? For me? A prom dress? Talk to enabling grandparents dearest difficult child because quite frankly you treat me and our home like garbage, you chose to leave and triangulate myself and my parents, you have no RIGHTS to anything beyond a roof (you have a roof, if grandparents choose to keep one over her instead despite that being NOT what you think is helpful, that is their issue. PERIOD) and food, and basic hygiene needs. You sent her belongings and clothes. You provided. She now lives out of your home, your obligation for even clothing is now OVER. However, between now and her 18th birthday, I would make it plain that if she expects you to provide clothes, you will accompany her to the local thrift shop and offer her basic clothing needs within the budget of the goodwill or whatever. Because there is NEVER a right to NICE nor TRENDY clothes. IF she can find nice and trendy at the thrift store, bonus. If not, well at least suitable clothing to cover her is available. I WOULD provide medically, for counselling, medications etc. I would NOT continue to do so beyond the 18th birthday IF she is still with your parents and if she is not acting as a loving daughter with at least decency toward you and husband and your home when visiting or in calls etc. </p><p></p><p>This is NOT all said as a punishment for your difficult child. If I were in your shoes, I would do what I just typed because it would be a last ditch effort before she is 18 to wake her UP. She is NOT living in reality. Frankly, well intended I'm sure, your parents are NOT helping this situation. That doesn't mean you don't continue teaching the same lessons to wake her up, even if your parents are acting counter to what you hope to teach her. </p><p></p><p>I make no apologies for the fact that when my son was a minor and opted out of our home for a period of time, life as he knew it from me would NOT be the same. As I would with an adult child, I provided birthday gifts and christmas gifts. But as is normal with adult children on their own, the gifts were not as lavish as when a younger child lived at home and you got more spoiled. I did those gifts with NO expectations and NO strings. Because I'm a mom and mom's do those things. THe one year my son was outrageously terrible to me and we had no contact other than he and his friends harrassing me in mean calls, I gave him nothing. He was 12. Not one thing. He is nearly 20 now. And he thanks me now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 574696, member: 4264"] I would not, until firmer plans are in place, pass another large chunk (or any chunk!!) to your parents. While you didn't want your difficult child under your roof without her working to do better, you also didn't want her to go to your parents and if I'm recalling right (correct me please if I'm mixing up things, there are a lot of members so I may be confused) your parents just sort of jumped in and on the difficult child bandwagon and this was all beyond your input. Financial support obviously is an obligation until 18th birthday. Beyond that, if she still lives with your parents, I wouldn't feel bad at their CHOICE to enable and house her, they can foot the bill and obviously they don't mind. I would NOT however give cash to your parents that will be handed to difficult child. I would probably tell your parents (or send a letter if it is easier for your) stating that you are obligated to provide needs for difficult child until she is no longer a minor, and you get that. Her roof however is now provided by your parents by THEIR choice, NOT yours. That is then their financial responsability. I would try to figure out how much it has cost you on average for food a month for difficult child when she was at home. I would offer to provide that amount in form a gift card for their local favorite grocery store, to ensure YOUR money pays for difficult children FOOD. Period. I would send one package a month with 1 toothpaste, bar of soap, shampoo, a few razors and shave cream, box of hygeine products. I would let them know that all medical issues until her 18th birthday, they simply need to provide you reciepts and you will happily reimburse (plus use said reciepts if helpful at your tax prep time). I would be clear, SHE and THEY chose this living arrangement. You are NOT as a parent EVER obligated for the "fun stuff" and make it clear that difficult child is NOT participating as a member of the family now, and while at home was making life hades for everyone else anyhow. So at your parents as well as in your home, natural consequences for the difficult child behaviors are going to remain that the "fun stuff" she wants, she can work for, or live without. I would then state that if your parents want to enable and provide the NON NEEDS, it is NOT your business, and they are free to do so, but it is NOT their place to demand nor expect you to provide NON NEEDS. I may be a hard nut to crack here, but honestly? For me? A prom dress? Talk to enabling grandparents dearest difficult child because quite frankly you treat me and our home like garbage, you chose to leave and triangulate myself and my parents, you have no RIGHTS to anything beyond a roof (you have a roof, if grandparents choose to keep one over her instead despite that being NOT what you think is helpful, that is their issue. PERIOD) and food, and basic hygiene needs. You sent her belongings and clothes. You provided. She now lives out of your home, your obligation for even clothing is now OVER. However, between now and her 18th birthday, I would make it plain that if she expects you to provide clothes, you will accompany her to the local thrift shop and offer her basic clothing needs within the budget of the goodwill or whatever. Because there is NEVER a right to NICE nor TRENDY clothes. IF she can find nice and trendy at the thrift store, bonus. If not, well at least suitable clothing to cover her is available. I WOULD provide medically, for counselling, medications etc. I would NOT continue to do so beyond the 18th birthday IF she is still with your parents and if she is not acting as a loving daughter with at least decency toward you and husband and your home when visiting or in calls etc. This is NOT all said as a punishment for your difficult child. If I were in your shoes, I would do what I just typed because it would be a last ditch effort before she is 18 to wake her UP. She is NOT living in reality. Frankly, well intended I'm sure, your parents are NOT helping this situation. That doesn't mean you don't continue teaching the same lessons to wake her up, even if your parents are acting counter to what you hope to teach her. I make no apologies for the fact that when my son was a minor and opted out of our home for a period of time, life as he knew it from me would NOT be the same. As I would with an adult child, I provided birthday gifts and christmas gifts. But as is normal with adult children on their own, the gifts were not as lavish as when a younger child lived at home and you got more spoiled. I did those gifts with NO expectations and NO strings. Because I'm a mom and mom's do those things. THe one year my son was outrageously terrible to me and we had no contact other than he and his friends harrassing me in mean calls, I gave him nothing. He was 12. Not one thing. He is nearly 20 now. And he thanks me now. [/QUOTE]
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