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difficult child's golden birthday and more
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 397097" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>It is time for you to think about seeking help for domestic violence. Your son is abusive and is old enough that he can face consequences. You may or may not get him removed, but you need real help. Help you seek out. What you describe, and have described for years with-o ANY change in the situation, is abuse of you. Please make a call to a local DV hotline or crisis center. difficult child is old enough for you to be late getting home, or for you to use some of your vacation time/days off for things other than him and his crisis of the moment. The help is free and they will see what is going on and believe what you say.</p><p> </p><p>You do have choices. Your husband has been absent from your marriage and also emotionally abusive to you for years. many of us have urged you to seek help. Your son and older son have embraced this behavior also. If you continue to do what you have always done, nothing will change. What are YOU getting out of the patterns in your family? There is always something that makes us think we deserve this treatment, even if rationally we know better. A therapist/therapy group will help you see how you have been trapped in this situation and how to get out or change things. </p><p> </p><p>You really NEED real world help. What would happen if you just refused to set limits for your son? What is stopping you from doing that, given all of his abuse? These are things you need to answer to yourself, not to any of us. </p><p> </p><p>I ope you can someday realize that you have choices in all of this. You can continue to do as you are doing, and stay mired in this abuse, or you can get real help. Not just a therapist, but help from a DV center, because what you are experiencing is almost textbook abuse. Until YOU get help there is NOTHING AT ALL, 1000% of ZERO, that you can do that will EVER help your son with ANYTHING.</p><p> </p><p>The BEST thing you can do as a parent is to get yourself to a DV center for therapy. Stick it out - don't stop because it isn't fun or it is scary. Change is HARD and SCARY. Sadly, unless/until you are ready to do this, there is NOTHING that can be done to help your son.</p><p> </p><p>Why do you think you deserve to be treated the way your husband and sons treat you? Do you realize that you think/feel/act in ways that send the message that it is okay to treat you the way they are doing?</p><p> </p><p>I have had my own abusive relationships. Not iwth my husband, but with my difficult child (much better now) and with my mother and gfgbrother. I am learning to set boundaries and to refuse to allow them to abuse me. I am still making baby steps and they have been a long time coming. From the time I was 14 or 15, various tdocs, counselors, psychiatrists, etc... have urged me to view my gfgbro and parents (mostly mom but both of them) as emotionally abusive at least, and esp gfgbro as physically abusive. It is HARD. I literally shake inside when I have to set a limit or enforce one, or even just when I see the games starting. It took realizing that my younger children have been really damaged by this to make me stop it. I am ashamed that I let it go on in their lives for so long. That is how I know how hard this is. </p><p> </p><p>PLEASE GET REAL HELP. You are worth SO MUCH more than you are settling for. It is hard work, but the calm and peace and positive relationships will come after you start to get help.</p><p> </p><p>YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST OF EVERYTHING!!! Most especially you deserve to be treated far better than you are now. You will NEVER be able to help your son until you are healthy, just as I cannot help my daughter and youngest son unless I am willing to help myself. If you want to PM about any of this, to find out what happens when you go to the center, or some of what has been suggested to me, just reach out.</p><p> </p><p>In the meantime, I hope you can find some peace and enjoyment of the holiday season.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 397097, member: 1233"] It is time for you to think about seeking help for domestic violence. Your son is abusive and is old enough that he can face consequences. You may or may not get him removed, but you need real help. Help you seek out. What you describe, and have described for years with-o ANY change in the situation, is abuse of you. Please make a call to a local DV hotline or crisis center. difficult child is old enough for you to be late getting home, or for you to use some of your vacation time/days off for things other than him and his crisis of the moment. The help is free and they will see what is going on and believe what you say. You do have choices. Your husband has been absent from your marriage and also emotionally abusive to you for years. many of us have urged you to seek help. Your son and older son have embraced this behavior also. If you continue to do what you have always done, nothing will change. What are YOU getting out of the patterns in your family? There is always something that makes us think we deserve this treatment, even if rationally we know better. A therapist/therapy group will help you see how you have been trapped in this situation and how to get out or change things. You really NEED real world help. What would happen if you just refused to set limits for your son? What is stopping you from doing that, given all of his abuse? These are things you need to answer to yourself, not to any of us. I ope you can someday realize that you have choices in all of this. You can continue to do as you are doing, and stay mired in this abuse, or you can get real help. Not just a therapist, but help from a DV center, because what you are experiencing is almost textbook abuse. Until YOU get help there is NOTHING AT ALL, 1000% of ZERO, that you can do that will EVER help your son with ANYTHING. The BEST thing you can do as a parent is to get yourself to a DV center for therapy. Stick it out - don't stop because it isn't fun or it is scary. Change is HARD and SCARY. Sadly, unless/until you are ready to do this, there is NOTHING that can be done to help your son. Why do you think you deserve to be treated the way your husband and sons treat you? Do you realize that you think/feel/act in ways that send the message that it is okay to treat you the way they are doing? I have had my own abusive relationships. Not iwth my husband, but with my difficult child (much better now) and with my mother and gfgbrother. I am learning to set boundaries and to refuse to allow them to abuse me. I am still making baby steps and they have been a long time coming. From the time I was 14 or 15, various tdocs, counselors, psychiatrists, etc... have urged me to view my gfgbro and parents (mostly mom but both of them) as emotionally abusive at least, and esp gfgbro as physically abusive. It is HARD. I literally shake inside when I have to set a limit or enforce one, or even just when I see the games starting. It took realizing that my younger children have been really damaged by this to make me stop it. I am ashamed that I let it go on in their lives for so long. That is how I know how hard this is. PLEASE GET REAL HELP. You are worth SO MUCH more than you are settling for. It is hard work, but the calm and peace and positive relationships will come after you start to get help. YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST OF EVERYTHING!!! Most especially you deserve to be treated far better than you are now. You will NEVER be able to help your son until you are healthy, just as I cannot help my daughter and youngest son unless I am willing to help myself. If you want to PM about any of this, to find out what happens when you go to the center, or some of what has been suggested to me, just reach out. In the meantime, I hope you can find some peace and enjoyment of the holiday season. [/QUOTE]
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