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difficult child's pity party
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 503791"><p>You need to practice the phrases to detach. Our therapist insisted that we come up with a memorized script for when we sat down to talk with difficult child prior ro him coming home for Thanksgiving. I agonized over it on the PE board and was happy when the angels there provided this list of phrases to detach. I copied them down from the PE board back in October and may have added one or two of my own...and then I wrote down what I projected difficult child would say when we finally did talk things out. </p><p></p><p>(The funny thing is that it was my preparation for our talk in November --Yet it was LAST WEEK when difficult child said EVERYTHING on my "projected" list. SIGH)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm projecting my difficult child will continue to say things such as:</p><p>"I am an adult why do I have a curfew (need to tell you where I am etc)?" </p><p>"Other parents are fine with their kids drinking and smoking, you're the ones with the problem" </p><p>Pot is legal in many places and will be legal here soon!</p><p>"Most people (or you did) party in college and they are FINE" </p><p>"If you let me do what I want, none of this would have happened" </p><p>"I had to lie to you because you wouldn't have wanted me to do it" </p><p>"You refuse to compromise" (ha, as if - we've compromised so much that we are dizzy)</p><p>"It's your fault because (you are too controlling, you breathe oxygen, your eyes are brown, you care too much, you care too little, you don't live in the real world, you are fake, this family is dysfunctional, you took me to FL instead of Aspen etc)</p><p></p><p>Phrases to use that acknowledge but do not engage:</p><p></p><p></p><p><strong><em>This is your fault: why can't you (be like other parents?) (let me live my own life)</em></strong> </p><p></p><p></p><p>"I know you feel that we're not your ideal parents. (resist to insert we know how you feel) . How do you think you should cope with that?</p><p></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p><em><strong>Pot will be legal (is legal elsewhere)</strong></em></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change"</p><p></p><p>-----------------------------------------------</p><p>general phrases to detach:</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Well, I'm sure you'll work it out." </p><p></p><p></p><p>"That sounds like an interesting idea."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Good for you, honey!"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"How are you handling that?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"How does he/she feel?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"That must make you feel good."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"That must make you feel bad."</p><p></p><p></p><p>"How does that make you feel?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"What's your opinion?"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"I'm so sorry, honey."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 503791"] You need to practice the phrases to detach. Our therapist insisted that we come up with a memorized script for when we sat down to talk with difficult child prior ro him coming home for Thanksgiving. I agonized over it on the PE board and was happy when the angels there provided this list of phrases to detach. I copied them down from the PE board back in October and may have added one or two of my own...and then I wrote down what I projected difficult child would say when we finally did talk things out. (The funny thing is that it was my preparation for our talk in November --Yet it was LAST WEEK when difficult child said EVERYTHING on my "projected" list. SIGH) I'm projecting my difficult child will continue to say things such as: "I am an adult why do I have a curfew (need to tell you where I am etc)?" "Other parents are fine with their kids drinking and smoking, you're the ones with the problem" Pot is legal in many places and will be legal here soon! "Most people (or you did) party in college and they are FINE" "If you let me do what I want, none of this would have happened" "I had to lie to you because you wouldn't have wanted me to do it" "You refuse to compromise" (ha, as if - we've compromised so much that we are dizzy) "It's your fault because (you are too controlling, you breathe oxygen, your eyes are brown, you care too much, you care too little, you don't live in the real world, you are fake, this family is dysfunctional, you took me to FL instead of Aspen etc) Phrases to use that acknowledge but do not engage: [B][I]This is your fault: why can't you (be like other parents?) (let me live my own life)[/I][/B] "I know you feel that we're not your ideal parents. (resist to insert we know how you feel) . How do you think you should cope with that? [I][B] Pot will be legal (is legal elsewhere)[/B][/I] That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change" ----------------------------------------------- general phrases to detach: "I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money." "Well, I'm sure you'll work it out." "That sounds like an interesting idea." "Good for you, honey!" "How are you handling that?" "How does he/she feel?" "I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that." "I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research." "Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!" "I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you." "That must make you feel good." "That must make you feel bad." "How does that make you feel?" "What's your opinion?" "I'm so sorry, honey." [/QUOTE]
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