Huh. I got so involved with responding to you, MWM, that I forgot all about the initial question!
:O)
I did not get how bad it was until a year or two ago. I never let myself see anything wrong that was not my fault. It is only lately, during this second time I found it necessary to come back to the site, that I am truly understanding there was something different with both my children, almost from the start.
I only have two kids.
There is alcoholism, there is brilliant accomplishment, and there is mental illness in my family. I think my kids come by what is happening to them through the genetic mix, especially, of husband and I.
difficult child daughter displayed the symptoms of what would become full blown problems as an adult even as a child. This was very surprising to me. I read about it here on the site. I said, "Huh. That is what difficult child daughter did. That and that, too."
We did receive some very nasty diagnoses on difficult child daughter when she was a teenager. I ignored them and never did believe them.
I think I never will.
Denial, as they say...aint just a river in Egypt.
I still feel angry when I think of those times, of those diagnoses.
difficult child son was angry from the minute he was born, it seemed. difficult child daughter had been such a different child. I assumed difficult child son's behaviors were the far range of normal for a boy.
It wasn't until your post about abused parents that I ever once considered myself to have been abused by my son. I couldn't believe it.
I concluded that was my fault too, in a way. I had taught him it was okay to do that to me because I did not see him as a real, live human being who is responsible for what comes out of his mouth, who is responsible for himself and for everything he does.
I am working really hard on trying to let go of judgment and denial and mothering and see both my children as human beings with the skills and the strength they need to live their lives beautifully ~ whatever that looks like, to me.
It came down to honoring my kids, really.
I hadn't been doing that.
I had been judging them, instead. Fixing them. Trying to make them fit into the way I brought them up to be.
I am still working my way through this part. I am sorry I could not be more clear.
This is a valuable thread. Thanks, MWM, for posting.
Cedar
