wow, MWM...that sounds horrible...how old was gfg36 at the time? I think it's even worse that the psychiatrist just shrugged it off...wow...that's exactly the kind of thing I needed to think about today though because I keep going into these phases where I doubt myself and where I am with difficult child...he started having noticable problems in kindergarten...by that time, he was already having a hard time finding friends to play with him, they would distance themselves from him and were usually older so I chalked it off to just being 'off' in their age differences...then in kindergarten, he had minor issues (I thought) with other kids (socializing has ALWAYS been an issue for him) and the teacher talked to us about his impulsivity but we came up with some strategies we were trying and also moved right after, just across town to a better school district, thinking we'd get a fresh start in a neighborhood with more kids his age...he had some friends but they would never last and he'd always be the one gonig to their houses, they never came looking to play with him...oftentimes, they'd say they were leaving or whatever and I remember one time, witnessing that that child was at home that day so I knew something wasn't right but couldn't see what it was...1st grade he had a teacher who was just out of school so any problems he had then (which were all social or attention deficit related by then), I chalked up to her lack of experience...then in 2nd grade, it got markedly worse...he was increasingly isolating himself at home, didn't go out to play as much, more depressed acting but I didn't know a 2nd grader could even be clinically depressed and we had things going on with his stepsister that I thought might be the cause...but then he went to school one day and one of his classmates had had a terrible even in her family-- her father had shot and killed himself and the teacher had the kids make cards for her...my difficult child's card had a picture of him holding a gun to his head and he wrote 'I wish it had been me'....the teacher went immediately to the principal and they called me in for one of many meetings...he started with a psychologist right after and it was clear he was clinically depressed and maybe ADHD so we went to a psychiatrist too...at that age, he was EXTREMELY dependent and attached to me so I could really influence him on things...it was scary to what degree he was so intensely attached to me-- I worried so much about what would happen to him if something happened to me...ha!...over the next 2 years, we were trying different medications and he was doing things like peeing in the closet of his room (something that apparently depressed kids do, even if the bathroom is right outside his door), he would have temper tantrums where he'd throw things, once he piled up all the furniture in his room up against the wall so we couldn't get to him...by 4th grade, he was becoming increasingly violent...and he felt as though he was always bullied...I don't know at what point it was him being the victim or the bully but I know in the past few years, he has been the bully at home at least and he's continued to have very few friends...I would keep thorough journals of what I was observing with him because I just wanted to try and help the doctors figure out what was wrong with him...he was hospitalized in 4th grade when he got mad at a little girl in his class and reached over, grabbed her arm, and twisted it til she cried...we tried to calm things down after that day but he was just bizarre starting that day...he got that look in his eyes that you all described at a 4th grader!...and a day during that same time he came home, and I made him sit and do his homework (which was always a fight with him)...and went in the other room...came back and he was gone...could not find him anywhere so after a good 20-30 minutes of looking, called the police...they happened by him on their way to our house-- he was already at least 3-4 miles away, walking intently down a busy road and said later he was just planning on walking until he couldn't walk anymore (he was very very mad at me for making him do his homework)...he was about 1 mile from some very thick woods and I don't know if we'd ever found him had that cop not driven by when he did...that was a bad day...he was 7 at the time and had to be in the hospital!! and we couldn't figure out what was wrong with him other than depression...it's still not for certain, which makes the journey all the more difficult, but we had more years of him threatening to jump out of windows, out of moving cars, and then ultimately turning all of his anger mostly on me (the therapist kept reassuring me that was because he knew I'd love him no matter what)...he is now 6'2", 175 pounds, was a football player and when he gets mad and directs all that at my 5'6" 53 yo self, I'm scared...in the past year, we've had nights when we feared for our lives...all through those years, I've had him seeing the same psychiatrist who is great and have tried so so so many different ways to help him...it was clear to me when I saw that picture in 2nd grade that he was different but in all honesty, if I was brutally honest with myself, given how friendly and bubbly I am, it was when he first started having trouble making and keeping friends...which was at the age of 4 or 5....he's now 19 so that's a lot of years of trying to fix something that he doesn't think is broken (at least hasn't for the last 3-4 years)...
thanks for asking that quesiton....I don't feel so down on myself anymore!...;-)...I have done a lot for him, put up with a lot, and stuck it out with him more than a lot of parents would have...I did right by him and only want him to do the same for me...seems less and less likely to ever happen though
