Bits, wow. It's been quite a trip for all of us, hasn't it?
36 had A LOT of friends. Kids tended to follow him, although in later years others took over as leader. So when 36 hurt another kid, which he often did, they were horrified and he would always have a big smile on his face as if he was really enjoying it! I brought it up to his pediatrician and he told me to keep an eye on him, but that he was so bright and seemed normal to him. Haha. The teachers had trouble with him distracting his friends on purpose and giving them the same stink-eye smile he used to get when he hurt somebody. He didn't talk back to them, but they felt disrespected. And at first I told them off when they dared to criticize my angel, whom I had wanted to have so badly and whom was the prince of my world.
Cedar, I was absolutely shocked when the memory that I had forgotten came flooding back at me as if it had ALWAYS been there, but just blocked from my consciousness. No wonder poor Julie had such a hard adolescence. 36 picked on her and in ways I can't detail but use your imagination. That was later though. If I had known all he'd done, he would have been gone from the house in his teens, even if it had been foster care. But my daughter, a very sweet kid, said she was afraid to destroy the family so she kept it inside. It wasn't quite as bad as being raped. I *will* say that much. However, he was very inappropriate with her and could never have lived with her if I had known. This was after Julie had been assaulted at eight years old by a stranger in her friend's house. She had plenty to use drugs over yet she quit at 19 and has built a good life for herself and I am so very proud of her. I love her more than I can say. I admire her strength.
Poor baby. Her best pal, her doll, with a knife through the head.
Now, yeah, let's go back to the therapist. I could not get him to get as riled up about it as I was. And my ex husband was, and still is, in la-la land. His only reaction? He shook his head and asked what was for dinner. I know I am all over the place with this...but I am seeing this vision as if it just happened and hearing my maybe six year old Julie screaming while I try to hold her, but she pushes me away so that she can point and show me. And I'm trying not to scream too. And 36 is in the next room laughing his a** off. I can hear him. And then it goes blank. I don't recall my reaction or what happened with 36, but I am guessing I called his therapist STAT. It is not like me to scream and slap so I'm sure I didn't do that. I concentrated, I'm sure, more on soothing my baby girl.
Cedar, thank you for your kindness after all you have been going through. I relate to you and feel for you and hurt for you and of course you know now that this was not your fault. If you don't know it, please share that with us so that we can validate that it is not your fault/was not your fault/will never be your fault.
BITS, I do not know what was wrong with 36. He had no useful diagnosis. ODD was it. If I look back, I think he had antisocial personality traits way back in toddlerhood...traits usually reserved for kids with attachment disorder except that he was very attached to me. That wasn't faked. He still is. Maybe too attached. I do think he has traits of an antisocial and a narcissistic. He also has severe anxiety disorder and possibly an alcohol problem, but I don't know about the last part. His anxiety is separate from the personality disorders. One can have anxiety badly (like me) and not hurt other people and think it's a joke. The funny thing? He refuses to admit he did anything bad to his sister. But, of course, he is lying. He always lies. My daughter doesn't lie. She may keep things from me that she feels may upset me, but she doesn't lie, now that she is sober. She only lied during the drug days.
What is REALLY scary is that...well, most of you know the horrific nightmare of the adoption of Psychokid. If you don't, you'll have to look in the archives if you're interested. I don't want to go there again. Psychokid was dangerous and hurt my animals and, most importantly, my two youngest kids so sexual abuse abounds amongst my children. I think finding out while Sonic and Jumper were still young, the extreme help from social servicses with extreme therapy and all sorts of compassion and help and the fact that they saw that psycghokid was tossed out on his ear helped them heal. They are not angry, bitter kids today. They are both thriving, sweet souls. I don't think that would have been the case if Psychokid hadn't been tossed to do his stuff to others, not us. Back to what is scary. 36 is a lot like he is and he grew up in a two parent loving home. I do think personality disorders run in my family and my father is a prime example. I am so glad I decided to have no more biological children after 36. And I am grateful to my Higher Power that his son is a good kid who has appropriate behavior...because with HIS parents the odds were that he'd inherit something hideous.
Anyway, I was blessed with not blaming myself for 36's horrible behavior. I always figured he'd been born like that, just as I had never blamed my own parents, although they were not that great, for any problems I had...again, I felt I was born that way. Cedar, so much of what our kids do, mental-health wise, is in the genes.
Anyway, hope this ramble made some sense. Sorry for it. Thanks and keep on sharing. I think it's important to think about when we first knew. It shows us our timeline from then to now...how far we have come in our journey. In our family's case, it is how far we have come and managed to thrive in spite of both 36 and Psychokid.
