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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 627379" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>Calamity, I have noticed what seems to be a disproportionate number of adoptive difficult children on this site. When we adopted our boys, I really believed that environment/parenting was everything, but I have since changed my mind a lot about that. Love is not enough. Genetics play a huge role in personality traits, just as they do with IQ and introversion/extroversion, etc. JT has some of the very same mannerisms, even, that his bio mom and half brother have, and he only had contact with them for the first 18 months of his life. </p><p></p><p>I don't think the fact that JT joined our family through adoption is a huge source of his current problems. Unlike your case, JT was never a dreamboat. We loved him anyway, and we tried SO hard. We read every book, took him to therapy, tried various medications, and experienced all of the usual parental angst and guilt over his issues. Our families were fantastic with him. They showered him with love and attention. Still, he has always been very stubborn, independent, strong-willed, argumentative, uncooperative, hyper, ego-inflated, and just plain difficult. We thought it was the terrible twos, then the terrible threes, and then, we realized this was his personality, period.</p><p></p><p>I do recognize that adoptive children may be extra sensitive to abandonment issues, and I do keep that in my mind. I do want to keep the door open to a good relationship.</p><p></p><p>As I mentioned, I believe JT lacks conscience and has sociopathic/psychopathic traits. From the book I am reading, "The Sociopath Next Door", I learned that attachment disorder, often seen in children adopted out of extremely neglectful situations, is entirely different and separate from sociopathy. Research shows that children with attachment disorder are more withdrawn and less well liked than manipulative sociopaths who demonstrate charisma and charm to get what they want. In addition, research shows that sociopaths enter the justice system at the same age, regardless of their early childhood experiences. This differs from non-sociopaths who enter the justice system at earlier ages in the face of more abusive/neglectful early life experiences. Even twin studies support the fact that most sociopathic behavior can most likely be explained through genetics.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, none of that makes me feel any better, because I realize it is unlikely to change.</p><p></p><p>MWM, I am surprised to hear how your bio difficult child turned the adoption issue around! That is fascinating. But, it sheds light on the use of excuses, for sure.</p><p></p><p>DJ, I hope the military does its homework too. JT does not belong in the military. He already knows he is not currently eligible, given their disqualifiers, but he is applying anyway. So, he probably intends to lie about everything again. He doesn't learn from consequences, and he has no sense of moral responsibility. It's all about him. He wants to be in the military because he thinks it will benefit him in some way, i.e. pay and benefits and admiration, not because he wants to serve our country. He is all about him. Growing up, when confronted with his lies, he always said he "had to" for some justified reason. He seemed to really believe there was no other option, conveniently, of course. Whatever it takes to justify his immoral actions.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 627379, member: 4855"] Calamity, I have noticed what seems to be a disproportionate number of adoptive difficult children on this site. When we adopted our boys, I really believed that environment/parenting was everything, but I have since changed my mind a lot about that. Love is not enough. Genetics play a huge role in personality traits, just as they do with IQ and introversion/extroversion, etc. JT has some of the very same mannerisms, even, that his bio mom and half brother have, and he only had contact with them for the first 18 months of his life. I don't think the fact that JT joined our family through adoption is a huge source of his current problems. Unlike your case, JT was never a dreamboat. We loved him anyway, and we tried SO hard. We read every book, took him to therapy, tried various medications, and experienced all of the usual parental angst and guilt over his issues. Our families were fantastic with him. They showered him with love and attention. Still, he has always been very stubborn, independent, strong-willed, argumentative, uncooperative, hyper, ego-inflated, and just plain difficult. We thought it was the terrible twos, then the terrible threes, and then, we realized this was his personality, period. I do recognize that adoptive children may be extra sensitive to abandonment issues, and I do keep that in my mind. I do want to keep the door open to a good relationship. As I mentioned, I believe JT lacks conscience and has sociopathic/psychopathic traits. From the book I am reading, "The Sociopath Next Door", I learned that attachment disorder, often seen in children adopted out of extremely neglectful situations, is entirely different and separate from sociopathy. Research shows that children with attachment disorder are more withdrawn and less well liked than manipulative sociopaths who demonstrate charisma and charm to get what they want. In addition, research shows that sociopaths enter the justice system at the same age, regardless of their early childhood experiences. This differs from non-sociopaths who enter the justice system at earlier ages in the face of more abusive/neglectful early life experiences. Even twin studies support the fact that most sociopathic behavior can most likely be explained through genetics. Unfortunately, none of that makes me feel any better, because I realize it is unlikely to change. MWM, I am surprised to hear how your bio difficult child turned the adoption issue around! That is fascinating. But, it sheds light on the use of excuses, for sure. DJ, I hope the military does its homework too. JT does not belong in the military. He already knows he is not currently eligible, given their disqualifiers, but he is applying anyway. So, he probably intends to lie about everything again. He doesn't learn from consequences, and he has no sense of moral responsibility. It's all about him. He wants to be in the military because he thinks it will benefit him in some way, i.e. pay and benefits and admiration, not because he wants to serve our country. He is all about him. Growing up, when confronted with his lies, he always said he "had to" for some justified reason. He seemed to really believe there was no other option, conveniently, of course. Whatever it takes to justify his immoral actions. [/QUOTE]
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