Do I Go?????

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, May 15, 2008.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Okay, I've got to get this figured out and settled in my head today. As I mentioned in my other post, there is a "family meeting" regarding my grandson with CPS on Monday. I was told that this meeting was for anyone that had an interest in his well being. I definitely have an interest, but since I just engaged in a screaming match with my difficult child and told her to never speak to me again, I wonder if I should even be there?

    For my grandson, I should be there for sure. Even if I didn't have anything constructive to say, I want to know how his life is going. I'm concerned though, about my difficult child daughters reaction to me being there. I know that I can conduct myself in a civil manner and I don't have to cause trouble. I'm not so sure about my difficult child. It is not so much a stretch of the imagination that she could possibly begin ranting and raving that she doesn't want me there. I don't want to cause more heart ache. I want to be a part of the solution, and not a distraction.

    Supposedly, there will be a mediator there. I guess the family is supposed to come up with idea's and suggestions on how best to stabilize life for our grandson and how to work towards reunification with his bio parents. If my difficult child see's me as the enemy, and she does, nothing I say will have any merit. Did I cut off my nose to spite my face last weekend? I'm beginning to think so, although the things I did say were true and needed to be said.

    Relationship wise, I just can't imagine us getting over this. It's not so much what was said. I could probably get over what she said, (I don't know if she can get over what I said) but the fact that there is no give and take in regards to respect. She acts superior to me! I would like to be friendly with her, but always want her to know that I am her mother and I would like respect for that.

    When I say respect, I really mean.......... like last weekend. I feel that I should have been able to go to her and tell her truthfully my opinion regarding the loss of her child to CPS. I didn't do that to be hurtful and I told her so. I have been biting my tongue for the last 7 years! Instead of her knowing and acknowledging the things I was saying, she became extremely defensive and "couldn't decide if she wanted to kick me out of the house she was staying or what?" In MY family and the one she was raised in, you don't kick your mother out!

    I need some guidance, please. Will I be an asset or will I just be bringing more drama? I feel like calling the CPS caseworker and asking, but the new caseworker just assigned is a young male that appeared to be learning the ropes. I don't know how much to "dump" on him. All input appreciated.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    It will bring more drama, but personally, I think you need to be there. My gut feeling is that they will eventually see your grandson's need for a stable place to stay will outweigh the need to keep sibs together, and I think keeping yourself in the picture will keep the option of your grandson being with you alive. I have absolutely nothing to base this on other than just a feeling.

    Your difficult child will not like you being there, but that is her problem. I don't think telling her your thoughts and feelings openly was bad, and I don't think anyone else will see it as that way, either, so if she wants to have a tyrade in front of the mediator, etc, about you being honest about her shortcomings as a parent that have landed your grandson in foster care, let her. Keep your cool. It will just show everyone involved the true face of who's really who.

    Just my thoughts and ramblings.

    Whatever you decide, hugs and good luck.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    For what it's worth, I think you should be there. Be there for your grandson. Your difficult child will not be happy about it but this is not about HER. And there will be a mediator there so I doubt it will get out of hand. And if it does, you have the option of leaving knowing that you have tried to the right thing for your grandson. I'm sure it will be taken into account that you were there and expressed your personal concerns for his well being.

    Sending hugs and support~
  4. Irene_J

    Irene_J Member

    The highest priority now is support for your grandson. You should go. Your difficult child's reaction is secondary and is her own responsibility.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think you should definitely be there. Even though you couldn't take placement of your grandson, you could offer to provide respite (maybe 1 weekend per month, even if they insist you take both kids it would only be for 48 hours).

    There is every chance that your daughter won't show up.

    If she starts screaming or accusing you, just sit silently and when she runs out of steam, simply state that her statements are untrue and that this meeting is about what is best for grandson and then turn to the mediator and look expectant. They should take it from there.

    Your daughter may have the right to ask you to leave. If she does, quietly leave but ask the case manager if you can meet with him afterwards and wait in the lobby.

    The #1 thing is to be there as the picture of calm.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think you should go. If anyone wants to bring up past acrimonious behavior, you should remind them that you are there to make the future better for your grandson, and you prefer not to get bogged down in past mistakes.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Something tells me that the vote will be unanimous here. You should go. Your grandson needs every advocate that can be mustered.

    How your daughter reacts is irrelevant. The mediator will be there for a reason. They already know there are issues between you and the parents -- you've called CPS on both of them for different things at different times.

    Let CPS know you want to be part of your grandson's life even if he lives elsewhere. If you don't show up, you can't give that message. You need to be at every meeting they schedule or, if it is at a truly impossible time, request a continuance.

    Good luck. I hope they can come up with some concrete plans that will help your grandson.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yep..........I totally agree as well.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree, too.


  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi Mom to 3. I just read your two posts. What an emotional, raw, painful situation for you.
    I think you should go but I would do what you did when meeting with difficult child.
    Write down your thoughts, expectations and willingness on your part to help grandson. This way, you won't get overwhelmed or manipulated. You have an interest in his well being. You are the only responsible, sensible adult in this whole nightmare.

    If difficult child starts carrying on, leave the info with the caseworker and leave. You don't deserve to be mistreated. They don't get it. Her self absorption is 100% except when she wants something from someone.

    Your grandson's medical needs would seem to be a very big reason for the bio's not having this little guy. They are going to ruin this child's health.

    Hugs. I'm sorry for such pain.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Just a thought on writing things down, especially if you have to give it to a caseworker. Keep things on a positive note. I know that's really difficult, but editing will help. If you start with "Grandson's biodad doesn't feed him" turn it into "ensure that Grandsons nutritional needs are being met by bio-parents through education and verification."
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Again I say "Go". Witzend gave excellent advise on how to write your input. You are your grandchild's true advocate. Stay very calm, positive, and professional.

    Start by writing down issues you want to address. Then rewrite them in a way you would expect a case worker to address the issue. As Witzend stated, take the problem and write the solution. The solution is what you want to see - you do not have to present the problem which will bring out the worse in difficult child.

    If you need help in changing a problem sentence into a solution sentence, let us know - we will help.