Do you and husband/so argue?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by slsh, Feb 5, 2013.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    So - good news is husband finally asked me to find him a counselor to help him deal with- his panic attacks. :its_all_good:

    But we're sitting here really confused and wondering if we've been doing this relationship thing all wrong, LOL.

    When I was in counseling a year or so ago, my therapist seemed really *really* surprised that husband and I don't sit down and talk about our feelings. We just don't do it. There's enough fertilizer flying through our days that we just get through them, and then get up to do it again the next day. We don't "share" or really talk about how we feel about our days because... well, I think generally our days are so stress-filled, what's the point of talking about it?

    So husband saw his therapist yesterday and once again, she was floored that we don't talk about our feelings. More than that, that we don't argue.

    We have really heated discussions, frequently, about politics or social issues, crime, sports, commercials, gun control, etc. We are complete opposites. But we don't argue. I can't even remember the last real argument we had - probably over thank you but that had to have been at least 14 years ago. But even then, it wasn't a yelling bickering *fight*. I think we've maybe had 5 real arguments in our almost 26 years together, but they were probably all within the first 5 years. Even when we were thinking about splitting up (15 years ago?), there were no fights or arguments. That was more over the daily stresses of a blossoming full-blown difficult child and zero outside support, and when it came right down to it, we decided we liked/loved each other more than we hated our lives together, so we made it work.

    My parents fought constantly. Really down and dirty, name calling, just nasty fights. They were miserable for years - we all were. I made a very conscious decision when I got married that I was not going to fight dirty. No bringing up past bad acts, no name calling, no intentional wounding of my mate.

    We don't have any friends (okay, that looks pathetic, but... it is what it is, we're happy, so whatever) so we really don't have a clue what "normal" is, like there is a "normal", I know, but ... we're beginning to wonder if we're more insane than we think we are because we don't fight. Don't get me wrong - there are things about him that make me nuts, and I'm sure I drive him crazy too, but none of it (apparently) is enough to cause strife and tension. If something really bugs us, eventually we'll sit down and talk about it, but usually days afterwards when we're not in the heat of it.

    I'm beginning to think the kindest thing the preacher who married us did for us was tell us that he really *didn't* want to marry us - that we were just too different and we didn't have a chance of making a marriage work. Maybe we're both just so stubborn that we (sub)consciously decided to *make* it work. It hasn't been easy but I think the hardest times were because of things that happened to us as a couple, not because of us *as* a couple.

    So... do you guys fight? Are husband and I completely aberrant?
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not



    My husband and I never *fight* - in the yelling, screaming, name-calling sense....and I DO mean NEVER! We have never, ever called one another names or said things we'd regret - even when we were very angry with one another.

    However, we do get angry with one another....and there have been some pretty big disagreements from time to time. Usually, when we get really upset with one another - we walk away (or drive away, if we need the space)....and come back to the issues when we are both calm enough to talk about it. It works for us....and we've been together for more than 18 years now.

    If your relationship is working for you - who cares what a therapist thinks?
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Thanks, Daisy! We've never done the name calling nastiness kind of argument either. Not sure we've even really yelled at each other. And no, not worried a whole lot about it, but it struck us kind of odd that both tdocs were really surprised that we don't fight/"share feelings", and we couldn't help but think we've been doing it wrong all these years. Too late to change now - not sure we would know how to have a real fight - we'd probably bust out laughing after trying to do it for a while, LOL. So not our style. ;)
  4. jal

    jal Member

    husband and I have been together for 22 years. We have had some fights and some big fights through all that time, but we do not fight regularly or even occasionally. We can get irritated with each other, but there are no nasty, name calling, degrading behavior that goes on. We also don't sit down and tell each other what we are feeling on a daily basis, but we will if we have to. We have learned that that is essential. We both are kind of alike in that we keep our emotions in (hence that is why getting our difficult child to talk is like pulling teeth).
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I think it's important to remember that the couples the tdocs usually see are couples who are having trouble in their relationship...

    so the tdocs are *surprised* that your relationship is not the same as the couples they usually see.

    That must mean you are doing something RIGHT!

  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Sue, husband and I don't fight at all. We don't argue, don't bicker, don't call names. None of that stuff.

    We talk and talk and talk, though. We talk about everything, mostly things that make us laugh, things that confuse us, etc. As far as politics, religion etc, we're both on the same page (although I'm more of an extreme wing-nut than he is on our side of the spectrum), but mostly we just rub along together.

    I think there's a stereotype that you can't work through issues unless you fight, but I disagree. I grew up in a traditional British household, as did husband, where a "stiff upper lip" was the thing. When we do disagree, we talk it to death until we each understand the other's point of view. No yelling, no anger, just two (very) loquacious people hammering away.

    Sounds to me like you and your husband have something that works very well for you. If it ain't broke and all that...
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Interestingly, I have two completely different yet similar perspectives.

    In the 4+ years XH and I were together, we had two fights. They were BAD. But that was IT. One of the reasons we didn't fight? We didn't talk. Had nothing to do with feelings - we didn't talk about anything. And even more interesting? He and I were friends for years before that - and we did talk as friends.

    Now husband and I have been together as a couple pretty much from our second date. No friendship beforehand. And that's been nearly ten years - we've been married over 7 1/2. We did everything "wrong" - saying those words too soon, sleeping together too soon, moving in together too soon, planning marriage too soon. And we've had disagreements. But we don't really fight, per se. No name calling (except in jest - never when fighting). Yes, there's some yelling occasionally, but mostly it is one-sided - one of us blows up. But... We TALK. And talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk... Yeah. Sometimes we beat dead horses. But honestly the talking is the only thing that saved our marriage about 3 1/2 years back. Made us stronger, somehow. We don't talk about feelings very much, though... Unless it's about me "feeling" tired!

    in my opinion - if it works - why mess with it?!
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm noticing a "theme" in the other posts...

    1) We talk
    2) we don't talk about "feelings"

    Me? married 20+ years? We talk. About everything else under the sun. but NOT about "feelings".
    Seriously? GUYS don't talk about FEELINGS!
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well Tony and I make up for all of you! We cant go a day without a screaming match. If fighting fair was a requirement for living, we would both be dead. It seems like both of us can cut it each other to the core within seconds and we attempt to one up each other to see who can make the other one reach the absolute boiling point first. I usually end up in tears and he is a raging maniac. Even in general conversations, little barbs are thrown in just to hurt the other one. It seems like we simply cannot talk without hurting one an other. I have no idea why. I have tried so hard to fight fair. I learned in therapy to fight fair and I have tried to use it so many times and held my tongue and just let him unload on me and did the active listening stuff. It so didnt work because it just enraged him more. Ive tried that right fighter stuff from Dr Phil. That didnt work either. I gave up and sunk to new lows. I am back to as low as I have ever been in my life. The only things that are not happening anymore are my cutting and I am not putting holes in walls anymore. I have thrown a few things but not many. I am desperately trying not to return to my old ways completely but it is so hard when someone else is constantly egging me on.

    I think most of our issues right now have to do with our unwanted people in our home. I hell hate his brother and he hates me for that. That means he has to find a way to hate someone I love which means he has to hate our son. I cant even understand how he can put those two things into the same category so I get even more irritated. It makes us go round and round in circles as we spin out of control.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No fights here....and I thought we were weird....glad to see we are normal! We do talk about everything under the sun....and sometimes it is about feelings....mostly him actually!
  11. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well I've only been with my SO for a year now and so far no arguments. Not one. I find it odd. My kids' dad and I would fight on a daily basis. We were together nine years. Not so much with the guy I have now. To tell you the truth it makes me worry. The last boyfriend I was with never argued either. Not a disagreement, not an unkind word, nothing. Then suddenly out of the blue he stops calling me. A few days later he send me an email, telling me in explicit detail all the things he hated about me. And there were plenty. He held it all in for months and never said a word. He broke up with me out of the blue and I was shocked. So now with my new man I am paranoid the same thing is going to happen again. He says he loves me, but he's starting to say it less and less now. So I always have that fear. I think it's normal and healthy to have a few disagreements from time to time. Full on yelling matches? Not so good. But a little argument I think is normal. If you don't argue at all maybe that's just your "normal." You've been together so many years and it's worked so far so that's a definitive good sign.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    We DO have disagreements. That doesn't mean we fight.
    But... to have a serious relationship and not even disagree... is not a good sign.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My Ex and I were married ten years and we had one fight. After we were divorced we had two. I have never been so angry as I was on the night that I called him for a phone fight. It was like I was possessed. I'll never forget that "out of control" time. I'm not sure if it embarrassed me or scared me that I had so much aggression. (Of course, the topic was the children) Our last fight was probably fifteen years ago and that ended any connection between us.

    husband and I have been married since 1976. We have two "heated exchanges". Sadly, I discovered that husband just can not handle disagreements or discussions of "feelings" well at all. He had alot of abandonment during his youth and it has prevented him from the "give and take" that healthier marriages enjoy. He loves me to death and wouldn't hurt me in any way BUT he just can not share emotions. I've adapted but I do think it is unfortunate and a bit lonely not being able to say what you are feeling with-o fear of misinterpretation. Sigh. DDD PS: My parents did not fight. Only one sibling has fought with her spouse. GFGmom is the only one of our adult children who has fights. Guess it just doesn't run in the family.
  14. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    husband and I never have fights per se, but we do disagree on a fairly regular basis. We work hard to respect each other's opinions. We have a complicated relationship as it is. We were married for five years, divorced for ten, and back together now for nearly three years. LOL. While divorced we didn't even fight - we both respected the divorce agreement, said nothing bad about the other in front of the children (or to anyone else for that matter).

    husband definitely doesn't want to talk about his feelings. Ever.
  15. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    When husband and I were young and dating, and even for several years into our marriage, he always talked about his feelings, and we rarely argued. Even going through the h*ll of infertility treatments and failed in vitro, and even the pre-adoption and post-adoption stress, etc., we never argued. Cried a lot, but didn't argue.
    Add several more years, a difficult child in the mix, and a job that requires husband to be on the phone most of the day, and...he doesn't want to talk AT ALL when he comes home. Forget about arguing, too. He's too exhausted, and I've known him since before dirt was invented, so I know what his feelings are! We have evolved into an old married couple. He works hard, and has for so many years, and we went through so much with difficult child, that my priority right now is to make things as comfortable and stress-free as possible and make him as happy as I can. He never asks for much.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Fred and I did not argue or fight. Ok.......I think perhaps I can think of a handful of times over 28 yrs that it made it to official "fight" status. That doesn't mean we never disagreed, because we did. That is not the same thing.

    I also ran into the whole "but the relationship is not healthy if you don't share your feelings..blah blah blah" We expressed our love and affection without fail and openly. And while we discussed things in depth I really don't recall many of those........well, it made me feel like this when you did such and such ......type conversations. I tried a couple of times and all it did was tick us both off far more than we'd started at. Then I thought about it......and well, did we really need to do it? No. He and I as a couple really had no need for it. For us it only escalated the situation as he wouldn't want to tell me how he felt or shrugged it off and then I'd get ticked he was shutting down. We also knew each other well enough to know without being told pretty much how we felt on subjects.

    I had rules for arguing though.......which some tdocs thought was brilliant and others thought was stupid (cuz there was no shared feelings lol ). No disrespect. No name calling. No bringing up past garbage unless the new garbage was a repeat of past garbage. Once a "fight" was over, it was over. The no raised voices was not an official rule per se but developed because the more he shouted the quieter I talked even if it meant resorting to a low whisper. It's awfully hard to argue with someone you can barely hear. lol As a result there were maybe 2-3 where our voices were actually above normal volume.

    I say if it ain't broke don't fix it. I think most couples need to work on ways for good communication and to be honest I do NOT think what works for one couple is a one size fits all thing.
  17. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    No fighting here - mostly disagreements and always were over Danny LOL He comes from a military, bounce a quarter on the bed kinda guy, and me, the ultimate laid back hippy person and most of those were disagreements over "parenting styles" but honestly, we have little in common but it works for us. Maybe because I was a difficult child and things didn't get to me, and he was always a easy child. But nothing has ever disinigrated into name calling or hurtful comments - I wouldn't put up with that crapola even if it was just the first time - he would have been pointed towards the door.

    His ultimate goal is just he and I and no kids living here and its always bugged him I didn't toss them both to the curb because, don't you know, his parents made him move out the day he hit 18, and mine were in their late 20's. We still have the occasional disagreements, but now over Dannys difficult child dog. He drops her off on his way to work and picks her up on his way home, and she comes to stay if he goes out. I can't keep her in with our dogs, so I switch them out of the bedrooms during the day. SO isn't even here most of the time when she is here during the day so I have no idea of why this bugs him and gets his knickers in a twist.

  18. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    husband and I will have heated discussions occasionally and maybe an argument once in a while, but not fight. The name calling thing never happens. I will never understand that. My brother and his girlfriend do that and I yell at him, because that's not fighting fair. I have told him that if you love her, you just don't fight that way. Don't say things that will sting years from now.....that's relationship disaster.

    Do husband and I talk about our 'feelings"??? No. I suppose if he ticks me off about something or says something that hurt, I would tell him, but we don't make a point of talking about our feelings. We have a pretty healthy relationship. Thank God, too, because having Missy in the mix in a poor relationship would have been a nightmare.
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband and I have never really fought. We have never called names or belittled on another. It may have something to do that my mom and dad fought horribly when we were growing up (they are now divorced) and that husband's dad was an alcoholic when he grew up (but stopped drinking when husband was a senior in high school).

    Of course, we have had disagreements and some difficult times but we have always had respect for one another throughout our disagreements.

    Mostly we get along. We have a lot of the same interests so we do a lot together and always have a lot to talk about. However, we really don't talk much about our feelings. Once in awhile we might, but I think it is difficult for both of us.
  20. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Last couple of boyfriends (including current) aren't the fighting type. They may not always agree with me, but they're not the arguing type either. Current is very talkative about everything, including feelings. If he has advice on how to better handle Storm I listen to him, because he's actually pretty good at it - his instincts with her are pretty on the mark and he has way more patience than I do so he's good at calming the arguments between me and her.