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Substance Abuse
"Do you drink to drown your sorrows or your conscience"...
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<blockquote data-quote="lovemysons" data-source="post: 536793" data-attributes="member: 3305"><p>You are too sweet Alabamagirl, thank you. </p><p></p><p>Ya know, it's a funny thing...well, kind of sad. </p><p>I was having this conversation with my mom yesterday. She believes that young difficult child's mother in law as well as myself have done nothing but enable young difficult child and daughter in law for the past several years. She makes valid points. She talks to me about my low expectation level of young difficult child. How I think that without my help...he cannot make it. </p><p></p><p>See...Young difficult child was dxd at 14 with Bipoalr disorder. This was before my own diagnosis. So I have gone through years and years of vasilating between 2 thougths. One being that difficult child is sick...is somewhat handicapped. And the other trying to help and hope and GIVE with the idea that it would get him somewhere. </p><p></p><p>But my mother made some good points with me yesterday. SHe reminded me of my own troubled past. When husband was absent (5 yrs into our marriage) when I was on my way back to Tx from Pa with two little boys and a daughter I was carrying. I came to live with my mother and her then husband. She gave me 6 weeks to get it together...get a job, apartment, and get on with my life...alone. </p><p>Well, I HAVE Bipolar disorder...and yet, no one knew then...and NO ONE gave me any excuses. There were expectations of me rising out of the ashes despite my situation and getting on with life. And you know what...I DID. </p><p></p><p>My mom tells me...that my actions say to young difficult child "You can't" "you're not capable" "You can wallow and be a victim in life".</p><p></p><p>It is so hard for me to see that it is not "with-holding LOVE" that it is enabling. That it prolongs the disease and can lead to dire consequences (bad enough young difficult child is in prison now).</p><p></p><p>When I was growing up...My mother worked, went to school, had a social life. It was just the two of us, no dad. I often equated her behavior as very "selfish" and "self-centered". As a teenager...I was the "victim" of not having a father in my life. I felt "unworthy of being loved well" because my own father didn't care enough to know me or raise me. This "thinking lead to drinking". </p><p>I did eventually get the help I needed. And now when I look back...I can see, my mother didn't just "throw me to the wolves" so to speak. She BELIEVED in me...just like she believed in herself against the odds. She said, "LMS you can, you ARE capable, there is no excuse". </p><p></p><p>I HAVE to adopt this attitude...as must as it goes against the grain of all I have defined as "LOVE" as goodness, as "GRACE". I cannot "give" to this disease. I must "starve" it even. I must tell difficult child, you can find your way in this world, you can do this. And yet I still shake my head...as it doesn't make "loving sense" in my mind. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, been thinking alot about those words: Grace, Love, Giving. What does it all mean when it comes to really REALLY helping our Addict/Alcoholic difficult child's hit bottom, get help, heal, and get on with Living?</p><p></p><p>It is so hard, so painfully hard to parent these kiddo's correctly. </p><p>LMS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="lovemysons, post: 536793, member: 3305"] You are too sweet Alabamagirl, thank you. Ya know, it's a funny thing...well, kind of sad. I was having this conversation with my mom yesterday. She believes that young difficult child's mother in law as well as myself have done nothing but enable young difficult child and daughter in law for the past several years. She makes valid points. She talks to me about my low expectation level of young difficult child. How I think that without my help...he cannot make it. See...Young difficult child was dxd at 14 with Bipoalr disorder. This was before my own diagnosis. So I have gone through years and years of vasilating between 2 thougths. One being that difficult child is sick...is somewhat handicapped. And the other trying to help and hope and GIVE with the idea that it would get him somewhere. But my mother made some good points with me yesterday. SHe reminded me of my own troubled past. When husband was absent (5 yrs into our marriage) when I was on my way back to Tx from Pa with two little boys and a daughter I was carrying. I came to live with my mother and her then husband. She gave me 6 weeks to get it together...get a job, apartment, and get on with my life...alone. Well, I HAVE Bipolar disorder...and yet, no one knew then...and NO ONE gave me any excuses. There were expectations of me rising out of the ashes despite my situation and getting on with life. And you know what...I DID. My mom tells me...that my actions say to young difficult child "You can't" "you're not capable" "You can wallow and be a victim in life". It is so hard for me to see that it is not "with-holding LOVE" that it is enabling. That it prolongs the disease and can lead to dire consequences (bad enough young difficult child is in prison now). When I was growing up...My mother worked, went to school, had a social life. It was just the two of us, no dad. I often equated her behavior as very "selfish" and "self-centered". As a teenager...I was the "victim" of not having a father in my life. I felt "unworthy of being loved well" because my own father didn't care enough to know me or raise me. This "thinking lead to drinking". I did eventually get the help I needed. And now when I look back...I can see, my mother didn't just "throw me to the wolves" so to speak. She BELIEVED in me...just like she believed in herself against the odds. She said, "LMS you can, you ARE capable, there is no excuse". I HAVE to adopt this attitude...as must as it goes against the grain of all I have defined as "LOVE" as goodness, as "GRACE". I cannot "give" to this disease. I must "starve" it even. I must tell difficult child, you can find your way in this world, you can do this. And yet I still shake my head...as it doesn't make "loving sense" in my mind. Anyway, been thinking alot about those words: Grace, Love, Giving. What does it all mean when it comes to really REALLY helping our Addict/Alcoholic difficult child's hit bottom, get help, heal, and get on with Living? It is so hard, so painfully hard to parent these kiddo's correctly. LMS [/QUOTE]
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