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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 370783" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I have two local friends that know everything about me and my life, I mean EVERYTHING. And I know everything about theirs. My one friend and I used to have a standing Saturday morning coffee date at Panera's but in recent months we've sort of let it fall by the wayside due to family obligations, etc. She has 5 kids, I have two, and between all the difficult child-ness in her home and the issues I've had with my own, we understand one another, though have little time to spare. We never talk on the phone, unless we're making plans to meet about once a month.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">My other local friend and I meet about once every other month for a small dinner and to vent about our adult daughters and catch up.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I have two long distance friends from before I moved from LI to CT. We keep in touch via email and an occasional phone call. I visit with them up in Maine once a year and sometimes one of them will come up around the holidays. These two know all the earliest history with my life!</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">On a day to day basis, I don't have that one person to talk to anymore. I had one, but I've decided that my life is less complicated without her in it (she sort of went crazy in a midlife crisis sort of way a couple of years ago and abandoned her kids, all difficult children, and I couldn't bear to be friends with her anymore). So, at times I feel a little lonely or shut out.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I never really connected with any of the other moms in my daughter's social circles because they were all powerhouse super involved and volunteering. I was always exhausted from working all week and then trying to maintain some calm at home. I did volunteer for the girl scouts while the girls did that, I also attended every sports event. I would chit chat with other moms, but never felt like we were clicking or part of the same psyche, Know what I mean?? I would hear them talk about dinner parties or luncheons, but note that I was never invited. If they needed a chairperson or volunteer or someone to bake, then they'd call me. Otherwise, nothing. I felt very left out. So, I cherished the one or two people who I did click with and tried to nurture those friendships the best I could. And I intermittently went back to school. I cruised the library and did a lot of personal exploration and research. I made myself enjoy the time spent with my H and daughters, even when it was less than perfect, because for the most part, it's all I had for a long time.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Once my youngest, difficult child, at around 15/16, put us through a hellacious time, I re-dedicated myself to caring more for me than anyone else. I had to - it was self preservation or die for me. I felt like my family had svcked the life out of me and in an act of desperation, I had to figure out how to care for myself better. This site helped me learn how to lovingly detach and care for me first. I started doing little things like go get a manicure or pedicure. Or choose a topic to research and hit the library for 2 hours on a Saturday. Or go to Borders and browse the new books once a month. I immersed myself in my reading, I have to tell you. I eventually realized that it was sort of an escape for me...to the point where I began to shut others out, even my family. Going for a mani/pedi enabled me to have brief superficial conversations with other women that were not necessarily about my kids, which was so refreshing. Meeting someone at the library of Borders and discussing a movie, book or music was so adult and feels so nice! </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Think about the things you enjoyed before having children. Make a list of some of those things and think about them, see if you may still be interested in them and then schedule a time to explore one of them each week or month until you decide if it's worth your time and energy to pursue that one (or two) thing again. Before I had kids I loved drawing and sketching with inks. A couple of years ago, I expressed my desire to check it out some time again and for Christmas he bought me an ink set and some sketch pads. I was thrilled. I'd always wanted to learn how to play piano, so I took lessons for a while. I used to crochet, so easy child bought me lessons for my birthday/Christmas and I took it up again and LOVE it. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Try to take the time to think about things you enjoyed in the past and see if you can recapture that feeling again. Once you find at least one or two things you can enjoy, you can move closer to caring more for yourself by scheduling time for those things that bring you joy outside of your family. Eventually, perhaps you can find groups who enjoy the same things (or start one of your own) and meet new people with a common interest.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">As an aside about you and your H's involvement with one another. I think it's really important to find a large portion of personal fullfillment on your own - you both need to bring something to the relationship. For so long it's been about your kids. It's time for you both to make it about each other first, then the kids. What are his interests? How can you incorporate his and your interests into something for only the two of you? just a thought. But rememember, think about you first for the time being.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Hugs, I don't think there is anyone with a difficult child who doesn't understand how you're feeling. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 370783, member: 2211"] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I have two local friends that know everything about me and my life, I mean EVERYTHING. And I know everything about theirs. My one friend and I used to have a standing Saturday morning coffee date at Panera's but in recent months we've sort of let it fall by the wayside due to family obligations, etc. She has 5 kids, I have two, and between all the difficult child-ness in her home and the issues I've had with my own, we understand one another, though have little time to spare. We never talk on the phone, unless we're making plans to meet about once a month.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]My other local friend and I meet about once every other month for a small dinner and to vent about our adult daughters and catch up.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I have two long distance friends from before I moved from LI to CT. We keep in touch via email and an occasional phone call. I visit with them up in Maine once a year and sometimes one of them will come up around the holidays. These two know all the earliest history with my life![/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]On a day to day basis, I don't have that one person to talk to anymore. I had one, but I've decided that my life is less complicated without her in it (she sort of went crazy in a midlife crisis sort of way a couple of years ago and abandoned her kids, all difficult children, and I couldn't bear to be friends with her anymore). So, at times I feel a little lonely or shut out.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I never really connected with any of the other moms in my daughter's social circles because they were all powerhouse super involved and volunteering. I was always exhausted from working all week and then trying to maintain some calm at home. I did volunteer for the girl scouts while the girls did that, I also attended every sports event. I would chit chat with other moms, but never felt like we were clicking or part of the same psyche, Know what I mean?? I would hear them talk about dinner parties or luncheons, but note that I was never invited. If they needed a chairperson or volunteer or someone to bake, then they'd call me. Otherwise, nothing. I felt very left out. So, I cherished the one or two people who I did click with and tried to nurture those friendships the best I could. And I intermittently went back to school. I cruised the library and did a lot of personal exploration and research. I made myself enjoy the time spent with my H and daughters, even when it was less than perfect, because for the most part, it's all I had for a long time.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Once my youngest, difficult child, at around 15/16, put us through a hellacious time, I re-dedicated myself to caring more for me than anyone else. I had to - it was self preservation or die for me. I felt like my family had svcked the life out of me and in an act of desperation, I had to figure out how to care for myself better. This site helped me learn how to lovingly detach and care for me first. I started doing little things like go get a manicure or pedicure. Or choose a topic to research and hit the library for 2 hours on a Saturday. Or go to Borders and browse the new books once a month. I immersed myself in my reading, I have to tell you. I eventually realized that it was sort of an escape for me...to the point where I began to shut others out, even my family. Going for a mani/pedi enabled me to have brief superficial conversations with other women that were not necessarily about my kids, which was so refreshing. Meeting someone at the library of Borders and discussing a movie, book or music was so adult and feels so nice! [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Think about the things you enjoyed before having children. Make a list of some of those things and think about them, see if you may still be interested in them and then schedule a time to explore one of them each week or month until you decide if it's worth your time and energy to pursue that one (or two) thing again. Before I had kids I loved drawing and sketching with inks. A couple of years ago, I expressed my desire to check it out some time again and for Christmas he bought me an ink set and some sketch pads. I was thrilled. I'd always wanted to learn how to play piano, so I took lessons for a while. I used to crochet, so easy child bought me lessons for my birthday/Christmas and I took it up again and LOVE it. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Try to take the time to think about things you enjoyed in the past and see if you can recapture that feeling again. Once you find at least one or two things you can enjoy, you can move closer to caring more for yourself by scheduling time for those things that bring you joy outside of your family. Eventually, perhaps you can find groups who enjoy the same things (or start one of your own) and meet new people with a common interest.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]As an aside about you and your H's involvement with one another. I think it's really important to find a large portion of personal fullfillment on your own - you both need to bring something to the relationship. For so long it's been about your kids. It's time for you both to make it about each other first, then the kids. What are his interests? How can you incorporate his and your interests into something for only the two of you? just a thought. But rememember, think about you first for the time being.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Hugs, I don't think there is anyone with a difficult child who doesn't understand how you're feeling. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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