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Does anyone else have this kind of issue?
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 678952" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome Lea,</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found us here. It's a good place to be where you will find much needed support and encouragement.</p><p></p><p>Just because your son does not have a substance abuse problem or mental illness doesn't make it any easier to deal with what's been going on. As parents we want our adult children to thrive and be happy and when they are not we worry and we want to help.</p><p></p><p>It's our "helping" that can contribute to the problem.</p><p></p><p>There is a fine line between helping and enabling.</p><p><strong>Helping</strong> is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. <strong>Enabling</strong> is doing things for someone else that they <u><em>can</em> and <em>should</em></u> be doing for themselves. Enabling makes life easy for the adult child and hard for the parent.</p><p></p><p>When we enable our adult children we can actually do more harm than good. The longer we enable them only makes it's harder for them to learn for themselves how to do for themselves. There will come a time when we the parents will no longer be here for our children so it's better for us and them to lovingly detach now. We as parents need to own our part in it.</p><p></p><p>Detaching is not easy but for the well being of our adult children and us the parents, it's necessary. When we detach it does not mean that we don't love our children. We have to love our children and ourselves enough to let go.</p><p></p><p>I would suggest that you set some clear and firm boundaries with your son. If he comes to you and asks for money be prepared to say no. You do not owe him an explanation. I know sometimes with our difficult adult children they don't come right out and ask for money or help, they will elude to their troubles by telling us things like "I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent this month" or "I don't have any money for food" these are manipulation tactics, they want to make us feel a sense of guilt, to feel sorry for them and we will "offer" to help them. I went through this many times with my own son. I learned to recognize the manipulation and I would tell him, "I'm sorry to hear that but I'm sure you will figure it out"</p><p></p><p>I agree with what others have posted. I know this is overwhelming and a lot to absorb. Please understand that detaching is not something that happens overnight, it takes time and effort.</p><p>Also, please know that you are not alone in this. You have a wonderful support group right here on this site.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you......................</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/notalone.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":notalone:" title="notalone :notalone:" data-shortname=":notalone:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 678952, member: 18516"] Welcome Lea, I'm glad you found us here. It's a good place to be where you will find much needed support and encouragement. Just because your son does not have a substance abuse problem or mental illness doesn't make it any easier to deal with what's been going on. As parents we want our adult children to thrive and be happy and when they are not we worry and we want to help. It's our "helping" that can contribute to the problem. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. [B]Helping[/B] is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. [B]Enabling[/B] is doing things for someone else that they [U][I]can[/I] and [I]should[/I][/U] be doing for themselves. Enabling makes life easy for the adult child and hard for the parent. When we enable our adult children we can actually do more harm than good. The longer we enable them only makes it's harder for them to learn for themselves how to do for themselves. There will come a time when we the parents will no longer be here for our children so it's better for us and them to lovingly detach now. We as parents need to own our part in it. Detaching is not easy but for the well being of our adult children and us the parents, it's necessary. When we detach it does not mean that we don't love our children. We have to love our children and ourselves enough to let go. I would suggest that you set some clear and firm boundaries with your son. If he comes to you and asks for money be prepared to say no. You do not owe him an explanation. I know sometimes with our difficult adult children they don't come right out and ask for money or help, they will elude to their troubles by telling us things like "I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent this month" or "I don't have any money for food" these are manipulation tactics, they want to make us feel a sense of guilt, to feel sorry for them and we will "offer" to help them. I went through this many times with my own son. I learned to recognize the manipulation and I would tell him, "I'm sorry to hear that but I'm sure you will figure it out" I agree with what others have posted. I know this is overwhelming and a lot to absorb. Please understand that detaching is not something that happens overnight, it takes time and effort. Also, please know that you are not alone in this. You have a wonderful support group right here on this site. ((HUGS)) to you...................... :notalone: [/QUOTE]
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