Lea, How are you doing?
When I finally reached the point where I recognized the need for detachment, and made a decision to act to stop enabling, I felt peace in little by little increments, over months, all the time weeping and emotional when I thought about my son. But through my frequent tears and racing heart, I knew detachment and stopping the enabling was the only way. I didn’t know what would happen, but I knew it could not stay the way it was. The situation was getting intolerable, it was bad for my health and attitude. It was feeling so resentful and almost hateful. This kind of situation was not good for either me and husband nor for our son.
I would gladly have continued to encourage, support and assist my son if he had shown any interest and motivation and committed desire to move forward in responsibility for his affairs. He did not want my interest or contact in anything except for when he wanted something when he was in trouble, or hungry. And then we he did want it and asked for it, he seemed antagonistic if there was any question. I’m sure he felt a guilt and anger at himself in his need. The support from this site helped me to maintain my resolve to stop the enabling.
It has only been 3 months since I firmly cut the enabling cord. I have briefly seen my son a few times since then, and he seemed to be accepting it, and I was accepting his situation. Then recently since 2 weeks ago, he is in prison (a first). I did not bail him out, and it remains to be seen what will happen with this situation. It is quite likely that if I had continued enabling him and providing all for him, that he would not be in prison now. But this is a consequence of his own actions.
My job now is just to work on myself, to stay peaceful, to stay thankful in all things, and to lift the best for my son as he works out his life. I feel that since he went to jail, this must be part of what he needs to do to figure things out for himself. He is an adult man. I am still in a grieving process, I still have my weeping /sobbing moments, I still wonder and hope, and don't know if it will ever go away. But I also now understand that enabling is not an option, no matter what happens. "It is what it is", "what will be will be", and we have to accept, surrender, and move on. Our adult children's lives and thoughts and actions are there own That is what frees us.
Stay with us here. Read the threads and posts. And post more of your situation and release your heartache. We understand. The guidance and wisdom here will work on your heart to bring you to the actions.
Kalahou
