Hi Lea,
I'm glad that you got counseling for yourself. Do you still go?
After reading your last post I thought about how different and yet how similar our situations are. This is the commonality of all of us here on this site. My son started having problems early on, trouble in school, smoking pot, in and out of jail/prison. He's 34 now and still does not live a life that I would like him to be living. My son is basically homeless. He drifts through the southwest states. I do not have much contact with him and when I do it's via Facebook. It used to make me nuts with worry that my son was homeless. I got a message from him that he was starving and was going to freeze to death. I live 1000 miles away from where my son was at the time. I replied to him and told him he needed to go to a shelter, that there were organizations that could help him. He made a choice to not go to a shelter. He did manage to find someone who let him sleep on their coach. That only lasted so long until he burned that bridge and so on and so on.
Before he got to the point of being homeless my husband and I tried to help him. We bought a house for him to live in, we bought a car for him. All he had to do was get a job. He did get a job but it was short lived as all of the jobs he has had have been.
We gave and gave and gave and he took. The amount of money we have given to him could have funded 3 or 4 years of retirement.
You are at a turning point in your life. I know this because you have found your way here and I am so glad you did. You know what you need to do but as a mom you are filled with all kinds of emotions. The most common emotion us moms experience is guilt. How can we not help our children, that's what moms are supposed to do, right? We don't want to see our children in pain, we don't want to see them suffer so we continue to give and they continue to take. This is not normal when they become adults. You know this, we all know this. That's where we start, with that awareness that we can no longer continue to give, to help/enable our adult children.
One of the members here, [USER=17542]@Childofmine[/USER] coined a phrase here on this site "our toolbox". This is a good place to start, filling your "toolbox" with things you learn about how to detach. I'm glad you read the article on detachment, I suggest you print it out and read it often.
One of the main things I suggest you do is set clear boundaries of what you will and won't do. I don't know if your son comes right out and asks for money or if he talks around it until you give him money but the end result is the same, you give him money.
One of my main tools in my "toolbox" is NO MONEY.
When I finally decided enough was enough it wasn't easy because I had the guilt. I had to learn that I had nothing to feel guilty about. My husband and I raised our son with values and morals, we set the example of having a strong work ethic, we did everything we could to raise him into a responsible adult. It was his choice to not follow the example we set.
Another good tool is acceptance. I had to accept that my sons choice to live his life the way he wanted was just that his choice. I tried to change him but had to accept that I couldn't.
Something else to keep in your toolbox is simple prepared statements.
Son: Mom, I don't know what to do, I'm going to lose my apt.
You: I'm really sorry to hear that. You are smart and I'm sure you will figure something out.
Son: I can't, I have no money, I have no job, you have to help me.
You: No, I don't. You have to figure this out for yourself.
Son: If you loved me you would help me.
You: I do love you but you are not my responsibility, you are a gown man. I love you goodbye. (hang up)
Setting limits is key to detaching. Limited contact. You do not have to answer every time your son calls or texts. It's ok.
Something else, you need to be good to yourself. Find something you enjoy. Take your life back.
Stay close to this site. Read others posts. Draw on the strength of all us here.
You can get through this.
((HUGS)) to you..............
