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Parent Emeritus
Does Detachment = No Contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="tryagain" data-source="post: 623731" data-attributes="member: 14865"><p>Stress Bunny, I have a 20-year-old as well. Although our situations are somewhat different, you and I nonetheless both have difficult child's that break our hearts and make us feel crazy at times. </p><p></p><p>Detachment, to me, means stepping away and taking care of MY needs when it becomes apparent that she's going to do exactly what she wants, no matter how bad her choices might be. She is bipolar and completely rejected me two years ago after I had helped her through some really horrific circumstances. She lied to me, hit me, chased me with a knife, bit me, and made my life a living hell. It was then that I chose to detach. I read the article on detachment at the beginning of Parent Emeritus, and it was one of the most profound things I've ever read. I have re-read it many times, and I recommend that you do the same. It helped me to stand back and really detach while she was making such poor choices. </p><p></p><p>However, I did not totally vanish. I knew that she was very sick and I could not stand the thought of her killing herself, no matter how badly she treated me. I kept the door open in case she needed to contact me, but I did not go out of my way to contact her. Each of us knows what our limits are in that area, and we must be true to our own boundaries that we have set and what we will or will not tolerate. Therefore, it is a fluid thing, this definition of detachment; it is different for every parent and does have the capacity to change.Yes, remember that detachment can change its face as needed. The detachment you practice today might be very different from the detachment that you practice in three months, because our difficult child's situations change as well.</p><p>Thinking of you and feeling your pain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tryagain, post: 623731, member: 14865"] Stress Bunny, I have a 20-year-old as well. Although our situations are somewhat different, you and I nonetheless both have difficult child's that break our hearts and make us feel crazy at times. Detachment, to me, means stepping away and taking care of MY needs when it becomes apparent that she's going to do exactly what she wants, no matter how bad her choices might be. She is bipolar and completely rejected me two years ago after I had helped her through some really horrific circumstances. She lied to me, hit me, chased me with a knife, bit me, and made my life a living hell. It was then that I chose to detach. I read the article on detachment at the beginning of Parent Emeritus, and it was one of the most profound things I've ever read. I have re-read it many times, and I recommend that you do the same. It helped me to stand back and really detach while she was making such poor choices. However, I did not totally vanish. I knew that she was very sick and I could not stand the thought of her killing herself, no matter how badly she treated me. I kept the door open in case she needed to contact me, but I did not go out of my way to contact her. Each of us knows what our limits are in that area, and we must be true to our own boundaries that we have set and what we will or will not tolerate. Therefore, it is a fluid thing, this definition of detachment; it is different for every parent and does have the capacity to change.Yes, remember that detachment can change its face as needed. The detachment you practice today might be very different from the detachment that you practice in three months, because our difficult child's situations change as well. Thinking of you and feeling your pain. [/QUOTE]
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