Okay, so I am struggling here with the whole detachment concept. This situation with our difficult child, JT, is creating a lot of anxiety and depression for me, so I hope you can help me navigate with a clear direction. Background: JT has flunked out of college, started smoking, and had a couple of underage drinking charges, one recent and including distribution to minors. He has lost numerous jobs, been caught using our computers to view porn, tried to lie to get into the military, charged up credit cards of his and had bills sent to collections, failed to follow house rules and been kicked out of our home, run through a glass door when he was in a hurry, been to the E.R. many times, getting strong painkillers each time, lied over and over, and generally created a ton of drama while treating husband and me very poorly over the past two years. To top it all off, he is extremely narcissistic and selfish. He really believes he can do anything and that he is smarter than everybody else. Bragging and boasting are the norm. Talking to him never works because he only argues, denies, minimizes, and blames. In his world, he is a superstar. He is completely out of touch with reality. JT has been living in his own apartment for the past two months. While he lives in filth (cannot discipline himself to pick up or clean anything), he has a good job and just made it off of probation at work, but we worry whether he will be able to keep it, given his past history of losing jobs. Because he traded a decent truck we bought him a number of years ago, that he wanted, for a piece of junk 1989 GMC that broke down last month, he now has no transportation. He also was recently arrested for underage drinking and distributing alcohol to minors. We paid his bond but immediately required him to provide us with his tax refund to cover it, which he has, and the checks have not yet bounced, anyway. So now, he is once again in dire financial straits. Anyway, the most recent drinking charges ten days ago are pretty much the last straw for us. Over the past two years since graduating high school, JT has done everything we never would have wanted him to do. Nothing seems to motivate him to change his behavior. In fact, in response to the recent jail situation, he boasts that he "could have fought that rap". And, get this, since the jail thing, instead of apologizing to us, he immediately sent me a text message with an autism prayer for parents because our younger boy has an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). JT texted that he thought of us when he read that. Really? Younger son is the least of our worries right now! This, coming from the psychopathic difficult child who delights in tormenting his parents??? He also sent husband a text message stating that people at his workplace think he is so exceptional; that he doesn't make mistakes; that he (JT) feels good getting some positive attention. What? Really? Gosh, I am glad everything is just peachy at work since he wouldn't even have that job any more if husband hadn't bailed him out of jail! Not to mention that if he fails a drug test at work he will lose that job. Zero acknowledgement of the pain he is causing those around him. husband thinks these messages are ways JT is trying to smooth things over; apologize without apologizing. I find them disturbing in that JT failed to acknowledge, much less apologize, for anything. Also, right before the underage drinking charge as of late, JT was again in the ER, for a supposed pinched nerve. And he got Oxycontin. Last summer when he got Oxycontin for running through the glass door, I begged him not to use too much of it or to mix it with alcohol, etc., and after I said that, I noticed he would tell me every time he spoke with me that he was taking a lot of it, as if to torment me and let me know he is making his own decisions and that I can't control him. I don't know the extent to which JT may be abusing drugs besides alcohol, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has a problem. He surrounds himself with people who have issues. I don't understand why he is doing this. Why? Is it the thrill? Is it because he cannot control himself because he lacks the ability to self regulate? All of these years, husband and I have been managing him; being his external brain, in a way. Now that he is on his own, he is just out of control. husband is fed up and wants zero contact. I have read a lot about detachment, and both husband and I agree that we can no longer financially support JT or enable him in any way. So, we are doing well in that department. But, I struggle with no contact. On the one hand, I don't really want to see JT because it always upsets me. He is always dirty, unshaven, and keeps his hair in a harsh way (mohawk), and generally shows no respect for us, our wishes, or our property. He has no concern for the fact that we are hurting and stressed worrying about him. We don't want him to negatively influence our younger boy. On the other hand, I long for the way I would like things to be, and I would like to have a good relationship with him. I feel guilty wondering if I caused this in some way; if there is more I could or should have done. I wake up in the morning and quickly remember everything happening with JT, and then I feel SO bad. I am depressed, I know. So far, no contact has just sort of happened. We didn't tell JT that he cannot come over or call or anything. But JT has not initiated contact, other than the two texts I mentioned above, in the past ten days since his jailing. JT's grandparents, at our urging, contacted JT to let him know they do not want him hunting in their wooded property. This was after his jail situation, and husband and I told my parents that JT is not trustworthy and that he might be drinking or drugging out there. So I am sure JT is unhappy about that. For those of you who have been there done that, can you share with me the best way to move forward? Is no contact best or just limited contact or what? How do you handle keeping in touch, if at all? Do you ever invite your difficult children to your home? Should we urge JT to seek alcohol/drug treatment even though we're not sure of the extent to which he is using? Or should we not, knowing that he will delight in doing the opposite anyway? Just dont' know where to go from here.