Does this ever end, he is now 33 and relapsing

[Tiredof33]

Hello I am new and searching for sanity,
My son has been difficult from the time he was born. Lots of counseling, he doesn't learn from his mistakes. I kicked him out at 19 because I just could not take it any more. I hear that from so many parents.

He stole money from me, stole my car keys and gave them to his friends to steal my car. When it was found they told the truth and the police called me, 'we just want you to know you have a serious problem at home' yes I know. It's sad to be so scared when the phone rings in the middle of the night and feeling relieved your child is in jail because you at least know where his is and you feel he is safer there than on the streets.

I tried everything I could afford. He would not cooperate in counseling, tough love just made him more angry. He was in hospital teatment for 3 weeks. Stealing, jail, in treatment for 6 months, back out same ole same ole. Court ordered treatment for 9 months, he walked out with 2 months to go. They called me and said he was to be arrested. I found him and he said I thought I could leave. 2 more months added. He started out gifted and at 16 I drove him and sat in the car to make sure he didn't leave while he took the GEDs.

He was finally getting better about 3 years ago and my daughter and I discussed how much more responsible he was acting. He actually took a year long auto program and had an agreement for a job the day he finished the program with the understanding that he would work for the owner for 2 years.

2 weeks after starting the job he walked out - he had met the girl of his dreams and they were moving and going to college together.

For the first year they were together things were going OK they were both in college (he is on deans list) and working at part time jobs- I had never met her or talked to her. He called me last January and they were going to a concert in another state and wanted to visit on the way back. I haven't seen him in 2 years and I was so looking forward to the visit. For the last 2 years I had actually looked forward to his calls, I was so happy!

When they drove up the car (hers) looked like something a 12 yo would decorate with all of the stickers. They get out of the car and she has purple and pink hair, piercings all over her face and black lipstick and nail polish. She is 36 years old!!! She has her own dog grooming business, so OK!

The entire 2 days she argued with someone on the phone constantly. We were going out to eat and she got a phone call and started screaming 'stop the ca,r stop the car'. My husband was driving (we have been married 12 years) and pulled over, she gets out of the car and argues more on the phone.

Her mother just has been told she needs (the mother) a second surgery for breast cancer. They have had mix ups with the hotel and are short of money so I give them $50 to get back home. My husband says she was just so emotional over the news of the surgery. If that was the case why did they stop over at a friends instead of going home to be with the mother??? My mother's intuition was thinking very bad things are coming.

A few months after the visit she starts sending me emails complaining about my son and asking for money. I just ignore them. Then in August she calls and is screaming at me and I really can't understand what she is saying. I'm in a store so I tell her I can't hear and can't talk and hang up. When I get in my car and check I have 9 messages from her and some are very nasty. I get home and tell my husband about the calls and later check emails and she has sent me 3 of the nastiest emails so I just block her.

I call my son to see what is going on, have to leave a message and he doesn't call be back. They have had a fight. In August he left me a message that she was a psycho and has broken his glasses and smashed his phone and kicked him out - they were finished. I had no way to get in touch with him and didn't hear from him for months. Thenhe started sending me messages that he was homeless but still on the deans list and the professors knew of his situation and respected him for trying so hard.

Then n November he started asking for money, and more money and more money. I sent him money in December and sent him $300 for Christmas and 4 days later he wanted $50 to have the phone turned on. What is going on? I can only contact him by email and I tell him a phone is not a necessity and I have my own bills to pay.

The very next morning she starts calling at 6AM leaving messages that she has my SSN, bank account, and all of my emails are coming to her. She calls me nasty names and says if my son committs suicide it's my fault and what a horrible other I am and was, after husband and I both ask her to stop calling and she doesn't I call the police.

The girl frind tells poice that he is homelss and suicidal and doesn't live there because the mother will not allow it. They have had a fight and he is going to kill himself. The police tell me to get her email address off all of my accounts and gives me the mother's switchboard number to call her.

It's all a lie. He still lives there - they fight a lot - they break things and he cuts himself and threatens suicide then goes to a friends house a few doors down. The mother has found a glass tube with stains on it and asks if it is theirs and breaks it. I tell her the next time this happens call the police. I know she will not.

Husband says my emails are forwarded to her maybe by a virus. I call and NO this has been manually directed to her and 2 other addresses. My son sent me an email blasting me for making her upset by spamming her and I email him back. Why would I be stupid enough to send her emails with my account info on them??

Someone has changed the password twice on my bank account. They can't take out money only view the transactions. I'm sick over this and I send an email to him telling him I'm turning it over to the police and I will arrest anyone messing with my accounts. I now change my passwords weekly.

I can't blame it all on her but they are toxic together and she is a b****. One great thing is that if she had not called me with the ranting I would not have known she was getting copies of my emails since November. I'm sure my son hacked my passwords, but she knew it because they were sent to her starting in November.

I was all ready to tell my son before this you have to move back to the city and get a job I can't give you money anymore. I'm really annoyed with ME for falling for the scam. BUT seriously angry with him for scamming me.

I do not care what the circumstances the 'bank of retired mother' is closed. He is now 33 and she just turned 37. She has burned all bridges to ever talking to me and he has to clean up his act and apologise in a way I will believe. NOT WORDS, ACTIONS!

I'm so dissappointed but positive the drugs are back with all of the drama and the lies. I pray and meditate a lot, but I am turning it over to a higher power, it's out of my hands. For the first time in my life I am putting me and my husband before my son. Mothers are not taught or wired to do that, it's not easy.

I am so happy that he does not have children. Have a blessed day everyone!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

It is so sad when our child have mental health issues, which I assume he has. The hard part is watching it. There is nothing you can do for him if he doesn't want the help...he is an adult, even if he doesn't act like one.

in my opinion you need to accept that your son is every bit as much at fault as her and to take steps to protect your bank account. Do not share anything with your son...nothing. Change your account. Why does he have access to it? Change your e-mail and cell phone #. He doesn't need it. He's not a little boy. Buy a cheap pay for phone and have him contact you that way. If he or batty girlfriend want to abuse you, and you get tired of it, you can get let the phone ring, listen to the voice-mail first, and see what it's about and if you want to aggrevate yourself by talking to them. It should be your choice, not theirs. Since I have a 34 year old son, I have some idea of your age range, and you deserve to live the rest of your life concentrating on YOURSELF. This son is way too old to be bothering you. I would like to add that he is probably using drugs. That's likely why he is stealing. You can't fix him. He has to decide to fix himself. My advice is to concentrate on those who love and respect you...your husband and precious daughter and any grandchildren you have. Don't let him destroy your life along with his own. And don't allow toxic people to have any contact with you. The police can only order them to stop...they can't force it unless you want to continue to press charges...in my opinion it's easier to change everything so that they have no way to do it even if they want to.

Take good care of yourself and try to learn Detachment 101 (for more information on that see the Parent Emeritus forum on this board). You may want to visit that forum anyway. It's for parents who are dealing with adult children who are problems.

Hugggggz, and don't blame yourself for any of this. It is not your fault. You did everything you could for him. Now it's up to him. Keep going to those narc-anon meetings (you sound like you have at least gone at one time).

 

[syykkogrl]

Dear Tiredof33~

I just want to take the opportunity to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this with your son, I know it can be extremely difficult to deal with a drug addict in the family. Especially when it is your own child. But, I also want to applaud you and commend you on taking the steps that you have taken to ensure that you are not enabling his addiction further by sending him money or financial assistance. You deserve a BIG pat on the back for standing up for yourself AND for your husband, and even though he doesn't realize it now, you are ALSO standing up for your SON; in the BIGGEST way possible! So many parents, especially Mothers, fall into that co-dependent behavior of enabling their child, the addict, by allowing them to remain living at home rent-free, or sending them money regularly. This does NOT HELP the CHILD at all!! Part of raising a child is preparing them for adulthood and teaching them consequences to their actions, and responsibility for themselves. By letting your 25 or 30-something year old child live with YOU, rent-free, and not insisting that they even so much as HAVE a job, you are doing a SAD INJUSTICE to both yourself, and to your child, who will, one day, be without you or your financial ability. I absolutely HATE to see a grown man/woman living in his mother's home, with NO job, paying no bills, and still asking his "Mommy" for a few dollars for this or that every day. It is utterly RIDICULOUS!
It often disappoints me to see mothers who can make excuses for these lazy, ungrateful children, and waste their OWN money bailing the overgrown "spoiled brat" out of whatever trouble he (or she) gets in to. All it does FOR these "kids" is further reiterate to them that they, in fact, do NOT have to go out and earn a living like everyone else, because "Mommy" will always find a way to take care of them and they learn that they are "Special" when they get into legal trouble, because "Mommy's" lawyer will make it all just disappear like magic. What these kids do NOT learn is appreciation of a dollar, nor do they learn that lawyers are NOT cheap and that water costs money and electricity costs money and that SOMEBODY has to PAY for all of it!! I get SO frustrated at parents who let their children get away with that mentality up into their adult years! More Mothers need to have the courage and strength that YOU do and follow your lead with these kids who are on drugs, or just lazy and spoiled and refuse to get out and WORK to contribute to the household. If more parents did what you did, a LOT less adults these days would be living with their parents and living OFF their parents as well.
I cannot say to you enough how PROUD I am of you, that you did the ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING, that you should IN NO WAY feel guilty at ANY time for your son's state of being. Since you have tried to assist him, only to be slapped in the face by finding out he LIED about everything, and knowing that he hacked into your personal accounts and then GAVE your information to his Girlfriend....You have done ALL you can possibly DO, and you and your husband DO DESERVE to come first at this point in your lives!! That is what "retirement" is all about!! You can't force your son to do the right things, all you can do is show him the way. In the end, he has to decide to WANT to help himself. So many parents fail to realize that ONE SIMPLE fact...and unfortunately, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do for a person until they reach that point.
My heart went out to you when I read your post, because my ex-husband is so much like your son and his mother is in constant denial and allows him to live off of her, despite the financial turmoil it has put her and her husband in. He was abusive to me and my son...and even to his mother regularly, yet she always made excuses for him, always gave him the money he needed to pay his rent or whatever bills he couldn't pay, even buy his cigarettes. Now that we are not together, she has went into debt more than $20,000.00 for lawyer fees to defend him in court against the protective order I had to file, and the violations of that order, and to fight for custody of our 8 year old son, and to keep my son away from me despite the Court Order for JOINT CUSTODY. He has NEVER worked a job, never been in a position where he couldn't call her to his rescue, and doesn't have any understanding of taking responsibility for his own actions. He, too, is a drug addict. Along with his sister, who is 10yrs older than him (She is 43 yrs old now). Just like him, she has never worked and has relied on her mother for financial aid whenever she needs it, including lying to her for money to purchase drugs.
I pity either one of them when 1 of their parents pass away because neither of them has any clear sense of taking care of themselves, or of consequences to their actions. They were BOTH raised to rely on their mother for anything and everything they couldn't do for themselves. Sadly, his sister's 24yr old son, was raised by their mother as well, and has learned the SAME lesson as his mother and uncle. He doesn't work, has 4 children by 4 different girls, does not pay any child support, and relies on his current girlfriend to work to make money for them and their new baby. He believes he is entitled to have a place to live with a family member because he has never NOT had someone to take him in when he is homeless, which, needless to say, is pretty much all the time. And he is not forced to work or pay any kind of rent to the family members he lives with, nor does he respect their homes or their privacy. He will steal valuable items from the very person letting him stay with them and sell them at pawn shops for pennies on the dollar of what they are worth. He helps himself and whatever girl he is with that month to anything and everything in the kitchen, often eating more groceries in a couple days than the household would normally go through in a couple weeks, and will complain and gripe when there is "nothing to eat". Never does it occur to him that maybe he should go purchase food if he wants to eat!! Nor does he even appreciate the fact that he is being supplied with room and board for FREE! In fact, when whoever he is sponging off of gets tired of it, or can no longer afford to have him in the household any longer and TRIES to throw him out, he insists on a 30 day written notice because he learned from a police officer during one of these arguments with his Grandmother (my ex's MOTHER) that legally, he had to receive a written 30 day notice to be forced out of his residence. He even took that to the EXTREME a few years ago when he threatened to assault his Granny then when she asked him to leave he told her he didn't have to without a notice. She refused to stay in the home with him and SHE ended up leaving her OWN home for 64 days until he finally moved out, with his mother, back to the trailer SHE had bought for her daughter and had been renting out in an attempt to catch up the 3 years of unpaid lot rent. Despite this incident, this woman has STILL let both of them move back in with her multiple times since then, even though it came out that her daughter was STILL addicted to drugs (and had been for most of her life) and that her grandson, also, had developed a drug addiction. If she had taken the steps you are taking now, she would not have 2 children and 1 grandchild STILL walking all over her, and bleeding her dry financially. And MAYBE, one of them would have SOME sense of responsibility instead of this sense of ENTITLEMENT that they ALL 3 seem to have!
You are VERY lucky your son does not have children, because that is NO WAY for a child to grow up! Good for you for doing what the RIGHT thing for your son was, NOT the EASY thing.
Good Luck in the future! I wish you ALL the best and I hope that, maybe, any time you doubt your decision, that you think of what I have said and remember, you are doing the RIGHT thing!!! Not just for yourself and your own protection, but the RIGHT thing for HIM. He will NEVER learn to accept responsibility for himself or his actions if you are always there to bail him out of the ditch he dug himself into!! Stay Strong!!

 

[AmericanGirl]

I am so sorry....

I have code words on a lot of my accounts to help prevent stuff like this. You might check to see if someone set your email to also forward everything to another account.

Agree totally about the higher power and about taking care of yourself.

 

[Nancy]

Unless he has put a key logger onto your computer and can remotely access it how does he get your bank passwords everytime you change them? You should also change your mail address.

Your son and his girlfriend have some serious mental issues. I'm glad he is not living near you. I would block all calls/texts/emails and not send any money ever to them. He knows your address, he can snail mail you if he needs to.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with a grown man acting like an idiot. You are right to put yourself and your husband first.

Nancy

 

[rejectedmom]

I am so sorry you are going through all this. Personally, I would cut all contact for now. I would also close all bank accounts and e-mail accounts and open new ones. In addition I would get an order of protection against the woman and possibly your son. This way if they show up at your door you just call 911 and they will be arrested. It stinks that you are in this position but you are not alone. There are others on this board that have delt with the same kind of things. Does it ever end? Sometimes yes, with alot of help and determination on the part of the difficult child. Doesn't sound like yours is there yet, so for now protect yourself, your finances and your possessions.

 

[Tiredof33]

Thank you everyone for your support. Some of your posts make me feel so sad that others are going through the same turmoil. As mothers we are taught that it is our fault that our children turn out as they do. I am over that belief!! I have been in couseling with both of my children and I went through a lot of meetings with my son when he was in court ordered treatment. Some of the men in the center were in their 40's and on family events none of their families would show up. I let them know in a calm way that you get tired of your life revolving around them. It was an all day trip for me to visit my son. It is very important for family members to be involved with their lives for support when they are trying to help themsleves!

I still read a lot of self help books and every morning I thank the Universe for the good things in my life, I keep telling myself I am the master of my thoughts and what you reap you sow. I volunteer a lot and stay busy with my hobbies, I make myself get moving so I don't fall back into a depression. For years I blamed myself, no more! Their father was abusive and walked out on us and had no contact with them. I felt guilt for that, but now I look back on those times and don't know how I went through it by myself.

Regardless of what life throws at you it is your decision to feel sorry for yourself or be stronger. I apologised to my children years ago, then I said, 'I have a life too!'.

This witch has tried to make me feel guilty and told my daughter that I never loved him, only my daughter, and that I always paid more attention to my daughter. That he is so f***** up because of me. My daughter laughed when she told me about that message. She said if anything SHE was the one left out because he was always in trouble.

My daughter also had a fling with drugs and trouble with the law but counseling worked for her. She rode a bus for 2 hours to the court ordered counseling and 2 hours home. She said she is not proud of what she did and that both of them were bad kids. I told her that I forgave everything, I'm not perfect either. I also told them both that I did not go to bed at night thinking of ways to screw up their lives.

I did feel that he had a mental illness but nothing was ever diagnosed. He is an entirely different person when not on drugs, but the drugs have affected his mental reasoning. For them to stay out all night and still be awake to make harassing phone calls, it's more than pot and alcohol! I was told by a counselor that they are 'me' people and you are talking and fighting with the drugs.

I still bothers me or I would not be on this forum, it's a day by day process. I found this forum by accident and I am spending a lot of time reading, but it does help to cope.

Thank all of you for your honest posts. It was good to have a sibling's opinion! Have a blessed day!

 

[DammitJanet]

If there is a chance he has a keylogger on your computer, take it to a computer guru and have them check it out. They can make sure there isnt any spyware or loggers on there to send packets to another computer. Just a heads up.

 

[susiestar]

OH, Tired, I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you have endured! You are exactly on the right track to keep sonny boy cut off from your money.

I am WORRIED about your finances. If she has bank numbers she can do more than watch them. Passwords can be purchased. There are people who will take money to figure them out for son and his girlfriend. They also could get credit accounts in your name that you dont' know about.

The other are right, there could be a keylogger on your computer, or some other spyware. You might NEVER find it - they can be deeply buried in the code of the programs. You need to contact the police for information on how to protect yourself from identity theft. I would look to the FBI for help. Smaller city/county police depts may or may not have up to date info that will help. Here is a link to the FBI website identity theft info page: FBI — Identity Theft I haven't read the page but it will be a starting place.

The problem isn't so much that they could take the $$ you have, it is that they could establish ID (driver's license, etc...) in your name and then take out loans, start businesses, even get college and small business loans in YOUR NAME that YOU could end up owing. This isn't stuff that just happens on tv. It is actually far easier to do than you would think.

You NEED an expert to go over ALL your computers, emails, facebook/twitter/myspace/messageboards to see if your identity has been stolen. You also need to get copies of all 3 credit reports for you, your husband, your daughter, and any other family member you can think of. If you have a long time best friend, have her and her family check their credit reports. Not just for the score, to see what accounts are open in your name. One way they start is to get utilities and/or rent in your name. So check with your utility companies to see if there are any other accounts for your address. It is easy to say that you are in apartment B or 2 or whatever to start an account when really it is a single family home or there isn't an apartment with that number. It may not be free to get all this info, but it will cost less than whatever will happen if they have stolen your identity and then wrecked your credit and had your assets used as collateral for a loan with-o you knowing. It does happen. My childhood bff and her husband went to buy a house and learned his dad had used his social security number to establish an entire identity.

I know we sound alarmist and you don't really see any evidence that they have done this yet. PLEASE check Occupational Therapist (OT) make sure they have not stolen your identity. It is SO EASY to take someone's identity.

Change your phone number. Get a cheap, $10 net10 or tracfone at walmart and put $10 worth of minutes on it. Give your son this #, tell him you had to have the other one cancelled because crank phone calls all night. Don't give him the new # and tell your daughter not to give it to him either. Have her check all the same things (credit report, etc...) that you are doing, and have her get a cheap phone and give him that number and change her home and cell numbers. Yes, it is a pain, but not nearly as bad as establishing new credit after he has stolen every penny that you ever earned or could pay back to a lender.

He doesn't think you will be able to stop him from stealing your identity. He doesn't think you will turn him in. If he has credit in your name, turning him in to the authorities will be the only way to get out of the debt with-o paying it back yourself.

You have given your son more than enough. You don't owe him your identity too. Take steps to protct yourself and your daughter. If computer experts find a keylogger or other spyware/malware/identity theft software on your computer, please let law enforcement handle it. Don't just delete it until you speak wth law enforcement and decide if you want to press charges or not. Don't just delete it because you might end up needing proof it was there to prove he stole your identity and to get out from under any debts he might have accrued in your name.

Also be sure to ask if there is a way to check to see if he has tried to buy or sell real estate in your name. There are all sorts of real estate scams, and identity theft happens with those too.

As for the other issues, you are an AWESOME mom. Yes, you raised two kids who got itno trouble with drugs. You gave them all the help possible, including your help emotionally at therapy, meetings, etc.... Your daughter is a testament to what a great mom you are and your son? Well, he is another testament - to the enduring love that a mom has for her kids. By NOT continuing to send him $$ and by NOT tolerating his abuse or his girlfriends, you are STILL being an awesome mom to him!!! in my opinion if you end up having to turn him over to law enforcement, it will show that you are a great mom. NOT because he got itno trouble, but because you made him face the music. It is EASY to let them get away with hit and to pay for their wrongdoing. It is the HARD thing, the GOOD thing, to make them face the consequences - it gives them a chance to learn and grow. That it is HARD to do and you get abuse from the adult child just means you are a very strong, loving mom - a strong loving mom teaches her children the right way to live life. How to live a life that honors themselves, their family, their community and their Higher Power. It is a messy, painful, thankless task, and the strongest moms are those that don't tolerate this type of behavior but allow their child to have the full learning experience that their choices brings down on them. A strong, good, loving mom doesn't keep them from the consequences of their actions, but instead loves them through the consequences and urges the consequences to come whne appropriate. in my opinion anyway.

 

[Signorina]

I am going to ditto everything susie and the others said about securing your accounts...

I also want to add a few things:

#1) Please follow all of the instructions here:

DEFEND: Recover From Identity Theft - Deter. Detect. Defend. Avoid ID Theft

Place the fraud alerts with the credit agencies ASAP. They will immediately grant a 90 day alert and allow you to view your credit history. Once you file the police reports, you can place a 7 year alert. It will be inconvenient only because you will be unable to obtain instantly approved credit (car loans, store credit accounts etc) - instead, businesses will have to verify your identity before opening new accounts. It will disable your difficult child or his girlfriend from obtaining credit in your name. I have had fraudulent cc use in the past and place alerts on my credit cards and it only takes about 20 minutes to do so online.

2)Go to this website How to Find Out If Your Computer Has Keyloggers on it Spying on You | eHow.com for instructions on removing keyloggers and malware. I've used malware bytes and it found LOTS of things my antivirus missed. I had a bad "system tool" infection and it cleared it up. I regularly use CC cleaner and Avast as well and can vouch for them. Make sure you follow all 7 steps and the links for the freeware is found at the end of the article. They are all solid, reputable anti phishing/spyware/malware etc programs. MAKE SURE YOU TURN OFF SYSTEM RESTORE in step 1!!

3) Follow your instincts, trust yourself and put yourself first. Be good to yourself. your difficult child and his girlfriend are hell bent on destroying themselves - don't let them take you down too. You are a wonderful mother. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Tiredof33]

Thank you everyone for your support!!!

When I had to call the police last Friday to stop the girl from harassing us my daughter and her family were on vacation so she wasn't aware of what was going on. When they returned home from vacation they had a nasty message from difficult child stating that my daughter's husband had called and cussed out difficult child's girlfriend.

It's a lie, so my daughter waited until a day or two to let them calm down (or come down from what ever they were on) and tried to call difficult child. The girl answered the phone and said, 'he is dead' and hung up the phone. Heaven only knows what girl is telling difficult child and I told him about the lies when I thought they were not together. It's his choice to listen to and believe the lies.

I have met the girl one time and my daughter has never met her. She seems to love drama and tries to get everyone involved. I think the fact that we will not fight with her really makes her mad! The time I met her she told me that she had a 'short fuse' but it's more than that.

I have spent the last days changing everything over to a new computer. I did not use Windows transfer ease because it will transfer the good and the bad. I changed all accounts, passwords, and security answers. The police have been notified.

I have no way of contact with difficult child except by email and she reads those, so I let difficult child know that the police report reads that in the messages girl left me she states that she has my SSN and bank account info and I will press charges. We made backup copies of the messages just in case. When I called the mother I told her the same thing.

Turning it over to a Higher Power is a day by day, and sometimes minute by minute, process. I am very lucky (in my opinion) that my husband is not his father and we were married after difficult child left home. He is a good man, but he is not as emotionally attached, so he helps me get through the rough times a lot. This seems to be an immature game to them.

Blessings and prayers to all!!!

 

[Kathy813]

This seems to be an immature game to them.

It is a game to them so you need to stop playing. I would break off all contact for a while. I know that sounds harsh but at 33 there is nothing you can do but stop letting them abuse you emotionally.

Keep posting. We are here to support you.

~Kathy

 

[Tiredof33]

Thank you! Sadly, it is a comfort to know you are not alone! Even more sad is the age difficult child is!