Does this sound right to you?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Mar 13, 2008.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Actually, this is a two-part question. The first relates to my daughter's new co-worker/"friend." That's the does this sound right part. The second part is just a vent and kicking myself for engaging.

    My daughter has a hard time judging people -- if they like her, that's all that matters. That automatically makes them good people. If I'm even remotely suspicious it's because I don't want her to have friends and I just want her to stay home.

    Well, her latest "friend" is a gay woman with 3 kids, one in his early teens. I'd guess S is in her early to mid 30s from the glimpse I got of her the one time I saw her. I do know S has a lover, but I don't if she's live-in or not. Today, after the blow up about cleaning her room, my daughter went to S's house to meet her kids. I didn't say a word but I wondered why an adult female would want someone to meet her kids, especially since there's no desire to meet the parents of a kid she's hanging out with. At 11:30, my daughter calls to tell me she's spending the night there. (Okay, I knew this was going to happen when she left but I still don't feel right about it.)

    It did get ugly on the phone. I was mad that (1) she'd woken me up and (2) that she hadn't cleaned the cat box, walked the dog or fed the cats. I also wasn't all that thrilled that she's spending the night at this woman's house. I was told I should be happy that she's not partying and not doing drugs, just spending the night somewhere. I shot back with the fact am I glad she's not doing that but I'm tired of the same old thing -- every time she makes a friend, her responsibilities fly out the window. Then I heard how she was sick and really shouldn't be cleaning the catbox anyway. If she's sick why is she out with friends? Anyway, back and forth it flew. I hate when I engage with her. I can usually avoid it, but I think being woken up did it.

    So, I have now told my daughter that she can live with S until her apartment becomes available because she's not welcome to come home since it isn't home to her, anyway. I could kick myself for saying it. It just gives her another victim card to play. Of course, it also gives me the choice of eating my words or worrying myself sick about this woman's ulterior motives. UGH
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I understand you being worried this woman might take advantage. It's unusual for someone in their 30's to want to hang out with someone in their 20's. That gap is awfully big, especially for women. I mean, just how much can they have in common?

    difficult child is 20. If she isn't a good judge of people, she needs to learn. And you need to let her learn.

    As for what you said.... Well, when you've had some sleep then you can decide whether it was one of those "blurts done in anger" or if you want it to stick.

  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Is it possible that M gave this woman a sob story of 'mom kicking me out' and S is thinking she's taking M under her wing? Just a thought I had.

    And don't beat yourself up over engaging. You're only human and she's really pushing your buttons. Plus she woke you up. That's always an invitation around here for an argument when my kids wake me up for something....hmmm...stupid? You'd think they'd learn.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think Wynter and Daisy both made very good points. Where is Corywin when we need her? I dunno about the gay /ulterior motive thing. Were you thinking this woman was looking for a new lover or an extra one? I would say that if your daughter is meeting the womans lover then maybe it is like Wynter said and she's thinking that your daughter can babysit while she has a life. Maybe not so much 'care' for her if you Know what I mean?.

    Hard call to make. And hey - she's a master buttonier - don't be to hard on yourself for things you say in the heat of the moment. You can ALWAYS go back and say "I was wrong for what I said, and I'm sorry." Our kids do it to us ALL the time. And like you know - you are only human.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    At first I thought it was helping her out -- she took mine car hunting and then to look for an apartment, which was fine by me. Heck, I'd do the same for someone if I knew the area better. But this come meet my kids and then spend the night makes me really uncomfortable.

    Still haven't heard from her today, so have no idea what will happen when she finally comes home. I'm going to a friend's house this evening and will be locking up the house so that she can't get in and take things when I'm not there. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that I know her. sigh
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Any word from difficult child yet? I hope she at least called you so you wouldn't worry.

  7. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    meowbunny -- I would have felt uneasy, too. Melissa is not a good judge of people. Like your daughter, if someone likes her, she immediately likes them. She liked a really sleazy homeless boy from MySpace not long ago and bought him clothes, food, etc.

    Anyway, if you don't have a good feeling about this woman, you could be right. 'Cuz that's how it is with me.

    Then again, if this is a coworker, I don't think she'd try anything your daughter would not let her do because she'd see her every day. But people do have influences on other people. One of Melissa's coworkers is a lady in her 50's who told Melissa she smokes pot with her children. Nice, huh?

    Anyway, as far as engaging on the phone and perhaps saying things you hadn't wanted to say, I've done that, too. Our kids know how to push our buttons!! And sometimes we just can't hold back. Forgive yourself for that.

    Let us know when you hear from your daughter.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm not surprised that she went off to this woman's house and stayed. And unfortunately, by telling her to stay there you have taken the responsibility for whatever happens as your own - in her mind. I'm a firm believer in everyone having the opportunity to change their mind in the light of day, so long as you're willing to say "I have thought about it and have changed my mind because..." So, if in hindsight you think that she wants something different, and that you can offer that to her without allowing her to continue to ride roughshod over you, then maybe it's something to talk about. But I wouldn't unless she comes to you for help.

    Would you feel better or worse or the same if this co-worker were a 30 something year old man? If difficult child generally likes men, she's probably not going to like it if this woman puts the moves on her. (I know that there was someone here a while back whose daughter was showing tendencies towards women, but I can't remember if that was you.) If she likes women, then isn't this going to happen with a woman eventually anyway? I don't mean to sound uncaring or flippant. I'm just not clear on whether you are upset because she's gone, or if it's because she's gone with a woman; and if it's because it's a woman whether it's because she'll find herself in a position she doesn't understand, or one that you aren't comfortable with.

    Whatever it is that bothers you most, I hope that you will be able to stop kicking yourself over it. Your difficult child has been a pain in the tookas, you gave her an option out, and she chose to run away. You have to let her figure this one out on her own. Do your best to enjoy the peace and quiet while you can. She'll be back.

    (PS - My take on this is that the woman is a "rescuer", and thinks your difficult child needs to be rescued from her overbearing uncaring mother. She'll learn the hard way.)
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It wouldn't matter if it were a man, a woman or a shim -- I have problems when a 30+ year old tries to be friends with a 20 year old. Just doesn't feel right. Maybe she is just "rescuing" but something just doesn't feel right. Wish I could put my finger on it.

    Oddly, I'm not really kicking myself too much. I know how hard she pushes and I know I usually can maintain, so when I can't I chalk it up to being human. Considering the pushing usually goes on for hours and I don't bite, I'm entitled to growl once in awhile and, on occasion, even take a huge hunk out of her. I just hate when it causes me to say or do something really stupid. Telling her she could live with this woman rated high on the stupid list considering I have so many misgivings about her.

    She did call today asking to pick up her stuff. Unfortunately, the timing was wrong -- she had to be at work, I had some things scheduled so she couldn't come get them. I'll give her credit, she wasn't mad that she couldn't get them. She actually seemed to understand that I had commitments that were unavoidable. She didn't say anything about getting them tomorrow, so we shall see.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm glad she called and that you know she is okay. Keeping my fingers crossed this new friend isn't a user. Even if not romantically interested in your daughter, she could still have alterior motives in mind.

  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Even "rescuing" doesn't seem right. been there done that. Buttinskies is what I call it. But what are you going to do? You can't fight these idiots, they've fallen for our kids' sob stories hook line and sinker. When it's over, they'll blame our kids taking advantage of them on us because we did such a terrible job of raising them. Hey, in my case it's not like I didn't warn them!

    Yes, but that gave me a good chuckle! ;)