Thank you susiestar and somewhere. It is odd how reading something that a person whom I don't know, who doesn't know me, can say something that is so helpful!
My son "blames" me, but does it in order to "abuse" me (verbal laceration type abuse) not as the stated reason for his drug use. He has never directly blamed me for his drug use. He has NOT ever said: "I smoke weed because you did X" Rather, when I engage to state, re-state, re-re-state.. rules or expectations, or respond to his poor choices (breaking law, using pot, drinking, refusing to attend school, inconsiderate actions toward our family, etc.), he will say "I don't respect you. I hate you. You were an awful parent, I don't even consider you my parent, YOU DID [fill in blank from my original post re the "reasons" he hates me, school changes, rules, etc.]". Basically, he is saying I'm not going to listen to you or respect you or follow your rules/expectations/guidance because you were a "bad parent" (bad parent being defined by him, as noted above)
It may be that in his mind that this blaming is his internal reasoning or rationalization to himself regarding why he smokes pot, but he never says we are responsible for his drug use. Rather the reason he doesn't respect us, follow our rules, respect house rules, etc is because of this blaming. Which is his diversionary tactic in every conversation. Initially (like 18-12 months ago) I responded and engaged regarding what he said. Now I don't engage, don't respond; rather I just re-state the issue/rule/expectation. As in: "I understand how you feel about that. However, you may not use pot in my house, you may not bring drugs in my house" or "We have already discussed that. What we are discussing now is how you may not drink and smoke with your friends in our barn. It is my property and I will not allow that." etc.
I wish I could say that non-engagement was working, or working better...but it sure doesn't feel that way.
