Doing better, but overthinking

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Jun 9, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I felt so good today because I have made it for three weeks without feeling really bad about no contact with my daughter, I have seen my grandson but I go through her boyfriends dad (where she is currently living with my 3 year old grandson) I got a text today that Im sure was her but from his phone that said my grandson has been talking about me and would like to see me, which has always been how she gets me to pick him up so she can have a break!! From what I don't know, because she is still doing nothing but sitting on her butt and watching her child. My first reaction was to cave in and go get him even though I had plans, but I said no, and that I would pick him up on Friday after work. Then her two older boys came by my house and were kinda telling me how fed up they are with her, she calls them for money and cigarettes, her oldest helped her get a computer and said she doesn't even do anything on it that could help her, and the 17 year old said yeah just wait till she stops getting my child support money (which she has always used for her own needs, never his) Once again I thought wow they are starting to understand and it made me feel good. Then a few hours later my mood plummeted because I started thinking....What if she starts feeling everyone is against her and she takes the suicide route!! She has become such a recluse, never goes anywhere and gets very uncomfortable when she goes out in public, but she still keeps the chip on her shoulder where Im concerned, She still talks to her sister some,but Im still the evil mom that wont take her in. I want her to hit bottom hoping she finally tries to get her life together, but in the back of my mind the thought of her taking her life over all of this makes me wonder How I could live with myself!!1 I get so confused!!!!
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Guilt. Classic "mom" disease. Especially guilt now about what could happen in the future.

    She is an adult. You are extremely limited in what you CAN do to get help for her. Unless SHE wants help, she isn't going to get any. You cannot force her to get help. Nothing you can do or say will make her get help - or force her to not get help. This is on HER, not you.

    Therefore, whatever she choses to do is on her, not on you.

    Which is much easier to SAY right now, from my quiet little corner, than it is to FEEL that way when we are in the middle of a pending/on-going crisis.
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  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    We are in painful places with our troubled kids. These things you worry about could happen. But your daughter is making a choice. She could be working. She could be in school, or making plans to better herself. She could be taking care of the house and exercising and making a garden. Instead, she concentrates on her problems, does nothing to help herself, and blames it on you. She is wrong to do this because as long as she is blaming anyone else for the life she has created for herself, she will do nothing to change it.

    That is the underlying reason why you have to tell her "NO".

    In addition, I think this daughter sounds like someone who might dominate you in your own home.

    You have done really well for three weeks where this daughter is concerned. It is easy to slip back into old thought patterns. No matter how much hard work we have done hard work to change our responses, the kids are still in the same position, and it is still really hard to say no. We do not get to enable.

    If you take her in, she will never do what she needs to do to become independent. You work. There is no reason she should not work. You live independently. There is no reason she should not live independently or begin making plans to do so. If you help her now, she will still need your help next year and the years after that.

    Why is she not working, so tired?

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  4. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, you can't MAKE her commit suicide. My guess is, in spite of her nastiness, she actually likes herself quite a bit and will just maybe make gestures to manipulate you. She wants your money. She is very unlikely to commit suicide or make an real attempt eithr, but she may use it for manipulation. However, the very few (and we're talking about two here) parents I have spoken to whose kids actually did it:

    1/Had no idea it was going to happen
    2/Could not have stopped it as it happened in their own homes to kids who had everything in the world.

    Your daughter seems unwilling to admit that she is her own worst problem. She has to do THAT in order to be motivated to take herself to task and to heal. There is nothing you can do to make this daughter happy. She isn't happy. She isn't going to hit a rock bottom where she decides to feel better and get help, which is what she really needs to do. She doesn't need your money. She needs a good therapist that she works very hard with and the determination to be a better person, but to learn better coping skills. I don't believe she has ever said anything is wrong with her, which does not bode well for her getting help.

    The very sad truth is that we can't stop our adult kids from doing anything. Yet suicide has not been reported on this forum since I've been here, fifteen years. Maybe it happened and the parents never posted, but while there were plenty of mostly weak suicide attempts (such as taking medications they know won't kill them) and some serious overdoses, which has to do with addiction, not life circumstances), I don't recall any suicides.

    Our most balanced adult kids can commit suicide. This is something we can't predict and can't stop just by throwing all our retirement money at them.

    Read the thread on "The 12 Thinking Errors We Make." Look at "catastrophizing." You are looking at the worst possible scenario and making it reality.

    Your daughter actually physically harmed you. It appears that she has no regard for anyone including herself. Yet she wants YOU to support her because she is too lazy to get a job.

    The only money I'd give her, if s he were my daughter, is I'd probably be willing to pay for her to have a tubal so t hat she can no longer bring children into this world that she will not take care of and can not love. And I'd pay it directly to the doctor, not to her because she wouldn't use it for that. And she wouldn't use it to help her children.

    Sometimes we need to step back and take an honest look at our loved ones. It can be painful. But they are what they are. This daughter will take an inch from you and spread it to miles. You would be much happier in my opinion if you focused on your own life and perhaps sought out therapy to help you do this. You matter as much as she does. It is up to her to do better. You can not help her. But you can make your own life wonderful. You do have power over that :)

    Having her move in with you is, in my humble opinion, asking for trouble and for possible harm to come to you and for your relationship to even get worse. She seems possibly able to use you to the max that she can. And, feeling guilty and being nice, it is hard for you to say no.

    Have a calm, peaceful day. If you've never tried guided meditation, I highly recommend it. Go to YouTube and type in "Guided Meditation." It's worth a try :)
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    Last edited: Jun 10, 2015
  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    She has NEVER held a job for long and that was in her late 20s early 30s she has not worked for 7 years at this point. When she did have a job (and she has had some very good ones in the past) alls it takes is for someone to make her angry or criticize her or correct her on something and she goes into a rage and walks out, always just WALKS OUT !! She says now that she is unable to work because she cant deal with people. She started school a couple times, but that didn't last long either. So she has been on welfare and food stamps and using her 17 year olds child support check for her own needs, he turns 18 in August and that check will be gone. She also makes a little money working on a porn site on the computer (which totally disgusts me). Can she really be THAT impaired even if she does have Borderline (BPD)? She has no car (which I have bought her 2 used cars in the past and will never do that again, because she does not take care of anything!) alls she does is sit in the house or outside with the 3 year old. Now that she isn't speaking to me she calls her 20 year old and asks him to bring her cigarettes. I heard that her boyfriend is staying with another girl right now, and my daughter and my 3 year old grandchild are still living with his dad! Weird situation!!
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

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  8. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you for your reply....I love you guys! This site is the only thing keeping me going right now!!! She did have a complete Hysterectomy 8 months ago and I didnt pay a dime....welfare paid it all. That was a big relief to me, because I gaurantee she would have gotten pregnant again!!!
  9. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She can't deal with people, meaning people are not going to do what she wants them to do.

    She most likely suffers from some personality disorder, but you can't help that and since she sounds able to hurt you I feel it's a risk to take her in.

    People with Borderline (BPD) can and usually do work, although they often have altercations with their co-workers because they can not accept authority.


    The only person who can help your daughter is herself and that begins with her accepting that she has many issues and needs intensive, long term therapy. She CAN work, she just WON'T work unless everyone caters to her and nobody gets her angry.

    She can apply for SSDI or SSI if she feels sh e is disabled, but she would then be assessed. That could lead to her having free medical, that could lead to her getting help.

    Can't say it too often: Don't let her come to your house. It will be a disaster.

    I also recommend telling your other children not to tell you what this daughter has said to them. Go low contact. She is not going to be able to be the daughter you want unless she gets tons of help.

    Hugs and good luck.
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  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is huge!! Good for you. I know it's hard in the beginning but you are proving to yourself that you can do this.

    Again, you did great. The best thing you can do is to pause and think before your respond.

    As sad as this is I'm glad that they are realizing and growing tired of helping her. Hopefully as people draw away from her she will start to understand that she needs to be taking care of herself.
    I am wondering how it's going with her living at the boyfriends dad's house, how long will he put up with her doing nothing. Is she paying him any money to live there?

    I understand how you feel, I too have been there but it's not healthy to dwell on those thoughts. My one and only child, my son, has told me many times how he feels everyone is against him, that no one loves him and he would be better off dead. I used to beg him to understand that he is loved and that he has so much to offer if only he would focus, that the only reason people are against him is because of how he treats them, and on and on and on..................
    I had to accept the fact that no matter what I say my son chooses to believe what he believes, he chooses to live his life the way he wants. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIM. I have accepted that he may very well one day make good on his threat of suicide. I have no control over him but I do have control over how I choose to respond. In the beginning I used to think "if that ever happens I will be devastated" but then I started to realize I was setting myself up by having a negative pre-determined state of mind. You see, our thoughts are very powerful and tie to our emotions. I changed my thought process about this but first I had to accept the reality that it could happen and I have no control. My thought process now is "I will be deeply saddened but I will not be devastated by it, I will grieve and I will move on"

    You are not an evil mom and I would not give any merit to this. If this is how your daughter chooses to see this situation then so be it, that's on her not on you.

    Understand that detaching is a constant process. We can be going along dealing with not having contact just fine then wham bam thank you ma'am something happens and you have to stop, think, regain your composure and proceed with caution. I will tell you that it does get easier with time. Acceptance is the key to it all.

    Focus on yourself, do things that will bring you joy. Buy yourself some flowers.
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  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    soootired...I am very proud of you!!! Three weeks is great. If you can keep on, three weeks will turn into months which turn into more and mire time passing as you work and learn how to let go of someone you can't control and never could control and never will control.

    We can't control anybody but ourselves, even the healthy people in our lives!

    I used to lie awake at night and obsess about my son committing suicide. He actually cut himself once and then threatened it multiple times. It was just a threat, and even though I took it seriously every single time, deep down I never thought he would ever go through with something like that. He was trying to manipulate me with the last tool he had.

    My ex-husband (his dad) and I had several long talks on the phone about this. His dad said this: He loves himself too much to ever do that.

    I agreed with him, but of course, again, we always took the threats seriously. We called the police every single time and got in his face and said: we will call 911 every single time you say this, so be forewarned.

    Guess what? The threats stopped.

    It sounds like your daughter may be in the same category of someone who loves herself too much to ever do it. Who knows---none of us ever do---but someone who uses other people, thinks of themselves first, takes and takes and takes, doesn't give, uses her child support money for herself...that person may be too self-absorbed to ever do something like that.

    I know your fears. I have had them too. As you well know, you can't stop anybody from doing anything at any time. We must learn to live with uncertainty. Life is filled with uncertainty. We have to quit fighting against that reality. We have to quit trying to manage, fix and control things that aren't in our "wheelhouse." Just managing ourselves is a full time job, and one worthy of our attention.

    Hang in there. We're here for you.