Don’t know what to do.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Enmeshedmom, Jan 18, 2018.

  1. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    my brother was admitted to the hospital a couple days ago after vomiting for 48 hours straight. After waiting and waiting to hear what was going on I decided to call the hospital and try to speak to his nurse to find out what was going on with him. They are pretty sure he is in withdrawal from benzodiazepines. He was confused this morning and hallucinating, he was also very agitated and trying to wander around the hospital. I went there right away to see him and I just can’t get the image out of my head of him lying in that bed trembling. He has struggled with addiction for a long time now and he has been homeless for awhile now because of it. Apparently he thought he could detox on his own. My mother called an ambulance because his breathing started to get bad and he had blood in his vomit. She thought he had a stomach bug. I really hope this is a wake up call for him. I have never seen someone in withdrawal, seeing my brother that way just crushes me. I just feel so helpless
     
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    How troubling to witness. I hope too about the wake up call. But he is safe and has this opportunity to reflect, at least.

    Take good care of yourself one way or the other.
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Once he is stabilized...will the hospital help find him a rehab place?

    I can't imagine how hard this would be for you and your mom to see this. You might ask at the hospital if you can speak to a social worker about after care. Ksm
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of the problems you are having with your own child.

    Sending you strength and hugs.
     
  5. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    prayers for all of our addicted loved ones, may this be your brothers rock bottom. Still so hard for you and your mom to see, be kind to yourselves today. There is always hope.
     
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  6. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    That's so frightening. I'm sorry for your family's pain. I hope this is the rock bottom for your brother.

    You're not alone.
     
  7. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    I went back to see him today with my mom with the intention of discussing rehabilitation but when we got there his 16 year old son was there and although he knows his dad has had a problem with drugs we just weren’t sure where the conversation would go and didn’t want him to be there if it turned ugly. I volunteered to pick him when he gets discharged so that I could talk with him privately about it. My mother is not well and I am afraid before long she will end up in the hospital. She has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) and is not receiving regular medical care, she also takes care of his two younger children. Something has got to change, I did speak to the women from the psychiatry that came to do an evaluation yesterday and told her his history and my concerns. He is an adult so they are limited with what they can discuss with me but I’m hopeful that they will provide him with some resources. If they only knew the person that he once was, the person I know he could be again. Thank you all for the kind words.
    On a lighter note my son has started his new job and his first semester of college. I’m taking it day by day and if he decides after seeing what drugs have done to his father and his uncle to still take that road then that will be his choice. Right now he is at least trying and I have to give him credit for that. He got into college and paid for this semester all on his own and I am very proud of him for that. The last coup,e of weeks I have encountered a lot of challenges and feel like I am being tested. There is something for me to learn in all of this and my higher power has my full attention now.
     
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  8. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    What a winning outlook you have. Truly.

    When I think about the lives of the happy and miserable people I know, particularly from my parents’ generation, their demeanor rarely correlates with their experiences.

    Some suffered greatly and emerged more appreciative of the good things in life. Some had relatively strife free lives and are miserable gits.

    I really admire your intentional perspective
     
  9. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    Thank you. This is new to me, I have decided that instead of jumping down the rabbit hole into insanity I will try something different.
     
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  10. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    Well, I went to the hospital today to pick up my brother and was fully prepared to bring him to seek treatment. But when I asked him if he was ready for rehab he said “for what?” To which I replied benzodiazepines. He said he had not used benzodiazepines in 6 months which I know isn’t true because they showed up in his urine and I heard him tell the nurse he used them a week ago( which obviously was also probably not true). I decided to stop there, I took him to pick up a prescription for Prilosec for his stomach and dropped him off at the motel he is staying at and told him I loved him. I know that it might be the last time I see him alive. I have a very good friend who is 15 years in recovery who is trying to help guide me in a direction where my brother might come to me when he is ready and that is the best I can do. He has been an addict since about 17 or 18 years old and he is now 38. Today I’m choosing to love him for exactly who and what he is.
     
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  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This is how I feel about my two sometimes. I don’t know what the future may bring, but I do know I cannot make them change their course.
    I am sorry for this, EM.
    It is a difficult thing to watch a loved one make these life altering choices, for years.
    I am glad you have your friend who walked the walk and knows the drill from both perspectives. Every once in a while I run in to hubs second cousin who is in recovery and reassures me that her parents detachment is what saved her.
    Stay strong and be kind to yourself.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    EM

    I am so very sorry for this situation. It is so very hard to see the ones we love and know beyond their addiction fall prey to its sordid, debilitating life.

    You have tremendous courage and strength to love him and embrace what you can of who he is outside of the addiction. This can not be easy.

    Sending you a big hug.
     
  13. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    It is so hard. I dropped him off Saturday and haven’t heard a word since. I don’t dare to call and check up on him because I’m afraid of what I might hear.
     
  14. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    The text messages started today. “We have to be out of the motel tomorrow but I need a couple more days to recover. I’m going to have to leave a lot of our stuff and I just don’t know wtf to do.”and blah, blah, blah. I told him I didn’t have any money and he was still trying to make me feel quilty, more than guilty he was trying to get me into a panic so that I would rescue them. Some days I just want to run away and change my name. I did start my pottery class tonight and had a good time for a little while but now I’m home and instead of enjoying some time with my husband I’m heading to bed because I am completely wiped out.
     
  15. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    The text messages started today. “We have to be out of the motel tomorrow but I need a couple more days to recover. I’m going to have to leave a lot of our stuff and I just don’t know wtf to do.”and blah, blah, blah. I told him I didn’t have any money and he was still trying to make me feel quilty, more than guilty he was trying to get me into a panic so that I would rescue them. Some days I just want to run away and change my name. I did start my pottery class tonight and had a good time for a little while but now I’m home and instead of enjoying some time with my husband I’m heading to bed because I am completely wiped out.
     
  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh EM the stress of it all and we go through so much. Only to find it’s just another Tuesday for them.
    I am so glad you enjoyed your pottery class. There is a technique I use to calm myself and most days it works well. It is a distraction method to stop the hamster wheel from creaking around in my brain.
    I start by finding 5 objects in the vicinity hat I can touch and examin focusing on the quality of each item for about 1 min. Thinking about it’s shape, size or purpose. It is a distraction technique but it works well.
     
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  17. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    Well he went back to the hospital for a few more days for intense muscle spasms and hallucinations. This time I did not go, I was very busy with work and am not interested in pretending that it is anything other than what it is. He is telling people on Facebook that he had the flu the first time and that exhaustion had him back in there the second time. I feel better having not involved myself this time. He knows that he can come to me if he is ever ready to stop pretending and get help. My mother’s involvement in this whole mess is what gets me sucked in again and again but I am also making my peace with the fact that my love for her can’t save her. She is making a decision to hitch herself to his wagon and try to right all his wrongs and take care of his kids. Anybody can see it isn’t working except her. Who ever thinks their mother is going to be homeless? I have offered her a place to stay but because I can’t take them all she is not interested, I have offered to give her rides to places to apply for housing and she said she already did and is on a waiting list but I don’t know if that is true. Last week even though this sh#t storm is still swirling I was able to stay focused on work for the most part so that is a small victory. My son has triggered me a bit but I am working to keep things in perspective. I am attending 3 meetings a week in person and a couple online and reading a lot of the literature and am finally ready to believe that I can live a better happy life even if none of the people in my life ever change.
     
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  18. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Detachment can sounds drastic -- like you're severing a relationship. But i think it can be as simple and inconsequential as backing off one unanswered call and one unresponded to text at a time.

    And forcing yourself to tolerate that small void.

    I think you'll find that they more than survive that thing you thought they could not tolerate without your rescuing.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 4, 2018
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    That is quite an accomplishment with all that is going on EM. I am sorry that you are surrounded with this from all sides. It must be very hard to keep your head on straight. I am amazed at your resilience and fortitude.
    I can see where this would make it all the more difficult. I mean really, Mom? How hard it must be to witness, but what on earth can one do? We can't save anyone from the choices they make, and I don't think we are obliged to go down the proverbial sewer with those choices, because of family ties. It still doesn't make it any easier to detach from it all. EM, you have tried as best you can to offer reasonable solutions. I am so sorry for the pain and frustration you must be feeling. There is only so much any one of us can do. While my siblings and mother are well, I have two daughters on the crazy train, and three grands affected. I am not able to take them in and raise them. I have enough on my plate. This makes for raised eyebrows and rolling eyes in my neck of the woods, but it is what it is. I had to make a decision after hubs passed, to focus on raising our teenaged son, he has grown up with his sisters in and out of our home and the resulting chaos and drama that caused. It is not an easy road to be on, to put ones foot down. Necessary for survival. Ouch, just ouch. I am sorry EM.

    That's so tough. But, Mom is of sound mind, and making her own choices. You can't have this craziness in your home. You have a 13 year old to care and provide a safe environment for.
    That is where I am at, most times, trying as best I can to live a better happy life, even though my two are out there. It takes work, which you are doing. Good for you EM, keep building your toolbox. You matter.You matter!
    Drug addiction is such a life sucking thing, to the addict and their loved ones. Don't allow your brother to mess with you and try to make you feel guilty. His choices lead to these consequences. It is the same for my two. It is hard to watch unfold. For the most part, they have gone no contact. It is because they know I will not give in to them.
    We walk a tough path with this. I am glad you are working hard at finding your peace.
    I enjoy pottery making as well. It is a time to think of something pleasant, creating and working with my hands. It is good to find things to keep busy with, something that brings joy.
    You are strong, EM. Keep moving forward and taking care of you.
    Please know that you are not alone.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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