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Don't know how much longer I can do this (major vent)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 177134" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We're currently just starting to try something new.</p><p></p><p>After having to deal with easy child 2/difficult child 2's sense of entitlement FOR YEARS and never being able to get through to her, we've been enjoying tranquility since she moved out. Of course it's not all bad, we love the girl and miss her, but yes, it IS quieter.</p><p></p><p>However, easy child 2/difficult child 2's method of justifying herself FOR EVERYTHING (which has made discipline difficult since she was a toddler) has either rubbed off on difficult child 3, or he's been using it all along and we didn't notice, as he was in the shadow of his sister.</p><p></p><p>But I'm not standing for it.</p><p></p><p>Now, "Explosive Child" methods would make me hold back a bit and not chide him for answering back, when what he is trying to do is explain why he responded in a particular way. In the past, it's been Basket B or C.</p><p></p><p>No longer.</p><p></p><p>An example:</p><p>husband is cutting up salad at the bench. difficult child 3 wants to get past and pushes. husband won't budge but says, "Ask nicely, don't push. I'll be finished in a minute."</p><p>difficult child 3 gets angry and shouts, "I need to get past NOW! If you had moved when I first pushed, I wouldn't be having to ask now!"</p><p></p><p>In the past we'd simply say, "You must learn to ask," and not reacted to the shouting anger because in general to do so triggers major meltdowns and nothing is learnt.</p><p></p><p>But now - I say to difficult child 3, "Let's try this from the top. 'Dad, will you move please?' 'Certainly, son, you asked me so nicely.' No shouting needed."</p><p></p><p>And when difficult child 3 begins to justify himself by saying, "Well, if he had only moved when I asked, I was getting frustrated, etc...." I stop him and say, "Hang on - I'm not hearing what I should be hearing. I should be hearing, 'I'm sorry for being rude, thank you for moving, Dad.' Now, try that again."</p><p>And I won't allow the justification.</p><p></p><p>I actually went further with him last time - "It's not your place to try to justify bad behaviour. All it does is make people angry with you. Apologise first, THEN if there really is any justification, try that. But you are in the bad habit of justifying your actions or words first, without even checking to see if you really were justified at all. Don't do it. Get out of that habit. We are no longer accepting it."</p><p></p><p>It's not as if we won't apologise (even to the kids) if we get something wrong. We have been setting this example and it's not been followed, because easy child 2/difficult child 2 has been justifying herself for years. difficult child 3 has followed HER example.</p><p></p><p>So far, it seems to be working. </p><p></p><p>I'm wondering if something like this could shut off Tink's whining? A sort of, "OK, why are you whining? What do you really want? Let's get to the bottom of this, sort if out and get it behind us so we can both get on with much more enjoyable activities."</p><p></p><p>Often they get into bad habits of reacting a particular way, or repeating the bad behaviour habits that get a reaction, without even really considering what other options they have. It's like a kid who wants an ice cream when out shopping with parents. The first the parent hears is the whining for an ice cream. The kid didn't even try the polite request first; he just went straight for the old habit. The parent, irritated, says no (again, automatic reaction) and the kid keeps it up until the parent either caves, or a meltdown ensues.</p><p>At some point, there MUST be a payoff or they wouldn't do it. I do think when a kid is bored, the payoff is, this is the easy way; dump my misery on someone else and make them miserable too. I don't like to see the sun shining when I'm unhappy.</p><p></p><p>It's a pain when they do this.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 177134, member: 1991"] We're currently just starting to try something new. After having to deal with easy child 2/difficult child 2's sense of entitlement FOR YEARS and never being able to get through to her, we've been enjoying tranquility since she moved out. Of course it's not all bad, we love the girl and miss her, but yes, it IS quieter. However, easy child 2/difficult child 2's method of justifying herself FOR EVERYTHING (which has made discipline difficult since she was a toddler) has either rubbed off on difficult child 3, or he's been using it all along and we didn't notice, as he was in the shadow of his sister. But I'm not standing for it. Now, "Explosive Child" methods would make me hold back a bit and not chide him for answering back, when what he is trying to do is explain why he responded in a particular way. In the past, it's been Basket B or C. No longer. An example: husband is cutting up salad at the bench. difficult child 3 wants to get past and pushes. husband won't budge but says, "Ask nicely, don't push. I'll be finished in a minute." difficult child 3 gets angry and shouts, "I need to get past NOW! If you had moved when I first pushed, I wouldn't be having to ask now!" In the past we'd simply say, "You must learn to ask," and not reacted to the shouting anger because in general to do so triggers major meltdowns and nothing is learnt. But now - I say to difficult child 3, "Let's try this from the top. 'Dad, will you move please?' 'Certainly, son, you asked me so nicely.' No shouting needed." And when difficult child 3 begins to justify himself by saying, "Well, if he had only moved when I asked, I was getting frustrated, etc...." I stop him and say, "Hang on - I'm not hearing what I should be hearing. I should be hearing, 'I'm sorry for being rude, thank you for moving, Dad.' Now, try that again." And I won't allow the justification. I actually went further with him last time - "It's not your place to try to justify bad behaviour. All it does is make people angry with you. Apologise first, THEN if there really is any justification, try that. But you are in the bad habit of justifying your actions or words first, without even checking to see if you really were justified at all. Don't do it. Get out of that habit. We are no longer accepting it." It's not as if we won't apologise (even to the kids) if we get something wrong. We have been setting this example and it's not been followed, because easy child 2/difficult child 2 has been justifying herself for years. difficult child 3 has followed HER example. So far, it seems to be working. I'm wondering if something like this could shut off Tink's whining? A sort of, "OK, why are you whining? What do you really want? Let's get to the bottom of this, sort if out and get it behind us so we can both get on with much more enjoyable activities." Often they get into bad habits of reacting a particular way, or repeating the bad behaviour habits that get a reaction, without even really considering what other options they have. It's like a kid who wants an ice cream when out shopping with parents. The first the parent hears is the whining for an ice cream. The kid didn't even try the polite request first; he just went straight for the old habit. The parent, irritated, says no (again, automatic reaction) and the kid keeps it up until the parent either caves, or a meltdown ensues. At some point, there MUST be a payoff or they wouldn't do it. I do think when a kid is bored, the payoff is, this is the easy way; dump my misery on someone else and make them miserable too. I don't like to see the sun shining when I'm unhappy. It's a pain when they do this. Marg [/QUOTE]
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