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Don't know if difficult child will have a birthday dinner
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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 325600" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>Actually, I meant the computer situation that is ongoing- but in general, it probably applies to the cell phone issue, too. What you have been describing the past month or so about your son in school and at home with the threats/aggression and determination to outsmart each other with the computer usage, and now the cell phone, are all about the same experiences I went thru with my son- who is a difficult child but not aspie. So whether or not your son is aspie (and I have my doubts about that), I don't think that is behind the bigger issues you are going thru right now.</p><p></p><p>As far as the computer, at one point I was court ordered to remove the computer from the home altogether. That only postponed the battles over it, but trying to outsmart my son didn't solve the problem either. Neither did rewards/consequences. When my son is stable or really trying to be a good kid (depending on your opinion of his issues), he follows the rules pretty well. Otherwise, I was fighting a losing battle and the more I tried to lock things up, hide things, or take things from him, the more things kept escalating. It did not make things better. I don't know the right answer- as you know, my son is incarcerated now for pulling a knife on me. I only know what did not work and that if/when he comes home, I will still have expectations of him that will be made clear to him. But I will never go down the path of trying to outsmart him again. My son will either comply with the house rukes/expectations (wwithin reason- if he's 15 mins late coming home I'm not going to kick him out), or he's not going to live here. Period.</p><p></p><p>Truthfully, if I were you I would discuss things with husband and come up with a different approach to things to address the bigger issues and choose your battles, have a family meeting, and discuss everyone's issues and a plan. And if difficult child becomes violent in the future with you, call the police and report him. You won't necessaarily have the final say how the cops handle it but I do agree that this won't get better the way things are going. I know you don't want to call cops on your son- you have avoided that several times in the past- and your son knows you don't want to do it too. That's exactly why you need to show him that you WILL do it.</p><p></p><p>I wish more than anything that my son was not incolved in the legal system, but I am not the one who put us in this situation- he did. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be because the longer he will be involved in the system and I honestly believe that he will push it until he is involved.</p><p></p><p>Now as far as his school situation, honestly I would back off him some. I wouldn't back off the expectations for him to do homework, but I think sitting in a "hot seat" being faced with being kicked out of a sd that probably isn't right for him to begin with and after dealing with a threat at home that I might be kicked out of the house (probably his perception), might be more than I could deal with. The computer games are an escape from reality, in my humble opinion.</p><p></p><p>These are just my opinions as an experienced outsider looking in. </p><p></p><p>I started viewing our home situation as a scale or degree of stability. Things were either 1) stable (meaning difficult child was trying and if he had minor, age-appropriate mess-ups but took a normal minor punishment for it without rebelling), or 2) minor instability- meaning there were school disruptions, homework issues, emotional lability, or stress issues, or 3) major instability meaning major issues at school (suspension for example), complete defiance at home, emotional shut-down, and/or difficult child damaging property, or 4) crisis mode- meaning I was concerned about his safety or someone else's safety.</p><p></p><p>I started visualizing this as stability being a Level 4, increasing up to "crisis" being a Level 1 and each level required a different approach from me in order to address it appropriately. When we were at a Level 1 crisis mode, issues in Levels 2, 3, and 4 were just not that important. I think it might help you to think about each issue you are having with your son right now and decide which level they fall in and then form a plan that you can and will enforce and stick with.</p><p></p><p>I feel for you it's not easy to be a parent to difficult child's and deal with the situations we end up in, but once we realize and accept that we ARE in that situation, we have to deal it it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 325600, member: 3699"] Actually, I meant the computer situation that is ongoing- but in general, it probably applies to the cell phone issue, too. What you have been describing the past month or so about your son in school and at home with the threats/aggression and determination to outsmart each other with the computer usage, and now the cell phone, are all about the same experiences I went thru with my son- who is a difficult child but not aspie. So whether or not your son is aspie (and I have my doubts about that), I don't think that is behind the bigger issues you are going thru right now. As far as the computer, at one point I was court ordered to remove the computer from the home altogether. That only postponed the battles over it, but trying to outsmart my son didn't solve the problem either. Neither did rewards/consequences. When my son is stable or really trying to be a good kid (depending on your opinion of his issues), he follows the rules pretty well. Otherwise, I was fighting a losing battle and the more I tried to lock things up, hide things, or take things from him, the more things kept escalating. It did not make things better. I don't know the right answer- as you know, my son is incarcerated now for pulling a knife on me. I only know what did not work and that if/when he comes home, I will still have expectations of him that will be made clear to him. But I will never go down the path of trying to outsmart him again. My son will either comply with the house rukes/expectations (wwithin reason- if he's 15 mins late coming home I'm not going to kick him out), or he's not going to live here. Period. Truthfully, if I were you I would discuss things with husband and come up with a different approach to things to address the bigger issues and choose your battles, have a family meeting, and discuss everyone's issues and a plan. And if difficult child becomes violent in the future with you, call the police and report him. You won't necessaarily have the final say how the cops handle it but I do agree that this won't get better the way things are going. I know you don't want to call cops on your son- you have avoided that several times in the past- and your son knows you don't want to do it too. That's exactly why you need to show him that you WILL do it. I wish more than anything that my son was not incolved in the legal system, but I am not the one who put us in this situation- he did. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be because the longer he will be involved in the system and I honestly believe that he will push it until he is involved. Now as far as his school situation, honestly I would back off him some. I wouldn't back off the expectations for him to do homework, but I think sitting in a "hot seat" being faced with being kicked out of a sd that probably isn't right for him to begin with and after dealing with a threat at home that I might be kicked out of the house (probably his perception), might be more than I could deal with. The computer games are an escape from reality, in my humble opinion. These are just my opinions as an experienced outsider looking in. I started viewing our home situation as a scale or degree of stability. Things were either 1) stable (meaning difficult child was trying and if he had minor, age-appropriate mess-ups but took a normal minor punishment for it without rebelling), or 2) minor instability- meaning there were school disruptions, homework issues, emotional lability, or stress issues, or 3) major instability meaning major issues at school (suspension for example), complete defiance at home, emotional shut-down, and/or difficult child damaging property, or 4) crisis mode- meaning I was concerned about his safety or someone else's safety. I started visualizing this as stability being a Level 4, increasing up to "crisis" being a Level 1 and each level required a different approach from me in order to address it appropriately. When we were at a Level 1 crisis mode, issues in Levels 2, 3, and 4 were just not that important. I think it might help you to think about each issue you are having with your son right now and decide which level they fall in and then form a plan that you can and will enforce and stick with. I feel for you it's not easy to be a parent to difficult child's and deal with the situations we end up in, but once we realize and accept that we ARE in that situation, we have to deal it it. [/QUOTE]
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