don't know what more to do !

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by prayerful, Nov 8, 2007.

  1. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    I have setup an iep and 504 and i see the school psycologist once a month and school counselor for stundent support meeting . he has been diagnosis with adhd and he has a appointment coming up with a behavior speacialist next week.his psy doctor say that after his visit with the behavior speacialist gives him and evaulation she is going to refer me to a neurologist for a full evaulation . i live at the school and my main focus is him! have no life . no i didn't have any promblems as a child and no substance abuse i was brought up in a single home it was just me my sister and brothers and my mom worked and never drinked or smoked she was a great role model and is my backbone .

    As for my son's father (not my husband) he never had those issues in his home we both had a good life and even though my mom and dad divorced when i was 3 years old i have a good relationship with both of my parents. i have tried to be calm and understanding but he is 11 years old some of the things he does my 1 year old know better than doing .

    i am just frusterated and upset at this whole situation right now i am used to being able to handle any promblems and solve them and this one is unsolvable . :slap: i need a lot of support and no judgement right now i have read the information on this site and other sites and read so many books i can't count ! i just wake up everyday and say what is next and pray it doesn't send me to the edge . the my son had the nerve to raise his hand to me i had to pray hard i mean i really was about to loose it if he hadda hit me he will be in the hospital and i would be in jail for breaking his arm :nonono: thankyou once again for reading my post and for the advice god bless.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Just throwing this out there, have you tried any natural remedies? I'm talking steering clear of food dyes, corn syrup, and the like?

    Some people swear by them.
  3. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    have changed his diet he drinks soy milk and take vitamins and has nothing sweet no sugar!!!!!!!!! don't know have tried and still trying a diet that would work .
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    If it's helpful, all or most of us have felt like you do today. Often. You need to take care of yourself. Here's what I want you to do: Go to your calendar, find a school day with no appointments. PLACE A BIG BLACK "X" ON THAT DAY! You will have plans to do something fun that day, or at least not something soul-sucking or mind-numbing. Find a story hour to go to with the baby. Maybe pick up a book that has nothing to do with childcare, mental health or behavior issues. Something fun, or adventurous or romantic. Go to lunch with a friend or have someone over for coffee. Take a bubble bath when the baby naps. And screen your calls that day: extreme bleeding, projectile vomiting, broken bones and high fevers are the only reason to answer the phone. Otherwise, let it go to voicemail. You can deal with it the next day, when you are back in the grind with the rest of us.
  5. KateM

    KateM Member

    ((( Prayful)))

    I'm sorry things have been so rough lately for you and difficult child. I can relate to being able to solve problems, but it's so difficult when your own child has you stumped! You've put alot of effort into helping him and yet there are still lots of challenges.

    We've all been there and it's not a good place to be. Tiredmommy has given you some good advice. Just wanted to add my support and understanding.
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, I am so sorry you are going through this. Often times our kids come from wonderful homes and genes, but for whatever reason, their little brain chemistry is just a bit off. So, please do not blame yourself. You truly are doing all you can.

    The problems with these kids, is that everything gets so complicated, so quickly, and it is hard to tease apart what the true problem is. On this board, sometimes, we point out things to people that sometimes are helpful, but other times, are too simple, or things you have already done. But we all have the common denominator of helping each other, so I hope you never, ever feel judged.

    I am glad you have all of the school things in place. This means, now, that your difficult child cannot actually get "expelled", and that might make you breathe easier. If things are so bad, that they are thinking of expelling him, than they perhaps need to place him in an alternative school, where he might get more of the help he needs??

    Also, I would encourage you to talk to the doctor about weaning him off of the Zoloft - as this could possible be making him aggressive. Most of our board kids cannot take SSRIs due to aggression - or not until they are stabilized on mood stabs.

    Again, we are here for judgment, just parents that have walked a mile in your shoes.
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It IS hard. Now I have difficult child 3 at home with me all day, I feel sometimes as if I have no independent identity. All my own projects have all been put to one side, because if I don't put this effort into him, he will be taking up a lot more of my time for a lot longer. But yes, it is hard.

    Something I think you need to do - don't compare him to your toddler. They are different kids and their minds work in different ways. I am glad your toddler doesn't seem to have the same problems. That must be a blessing for you.

    If you keep thinking of difficult child that he CAN control his actions, you will get even more resentful and this won't make any difference to him, but it will make things even harder for you. These kids really do have major impulse control issues and it makes things seem so much worse. You just end up dealing with each problem as it arises, although if you can see problems looming you can try to prevent. For example, if he says he's going to the river with his friend (who you also feel is a difficult child) and they say no way will we jump off the rope over the river, uh uh, don't let him go. Impulse control - they're gonna jump off that rope over the river. In the same way, I never let my impulse-control kids hang out with their friends at the corner store - fast track to smoking and drinking and promiscuity, in our town. Of course they resented me (for a while) but as the 'friends' they would have been hanging with increasingly got police records, my kids are glad. I did make sure I replaced it with other fun stuff, so they weren't sitting at home being bored, we'd go for bushwalks or for a swim in the lagoon. And yes, they could bring a friend. But I would be there too, pretending not to be watching.

    Think of your difficult child as a very smart, very big, walking-talking baby. Love him. The more secure and happy he feels, the less anxious he will feel and the more likely he will be able to control his actions and think clearly first. Congratulate him for every sensible choice but do not overdo the anger when he gets it wrong. Sorrowful works better than rage, every time.

    Did you ever read "Anne of Green Gables"? There was a lovely story in one of the "Chronicles of Avonlea" books, "The Miracle at Carmody". The little boy in that, Lionel Hezekiah (what a name!), had impulse control issues, big time. Her lived with his two aunts, one was stern and the other was gentle; it was the gentle one who got through to the child more effectively. As the story said, he was not a bad child; he just didn't think first. Whenever I saw one of my boys doing something like I read in that story, I tried to remember the kind aunt (Salome) and not the one who was always cross (Judith).

    I just had a look - due to expiration of copyright, this story is now freely available online. It's a short story, a single chapter.

    Have hope, have heart. In ten years' time with all the effort you're putting in, he will have had the best chance at being the best he can be. Hold on to that.

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry things are so bad for y'all. I really think that if you can take a bit of time to recharge your batteries you may feel better able to cope.

    I know it is a cliche now, but it really does take a village to raise a child. I know it is HARD to ask for help, but it sounds like you are doing it.

    Getting past the resentment is tough. You feel he is doing these things on purpose. Some he may be, mostly he is having a very tough time.

    If he hits you or the baby HOSPITALIZE HIM. Take him to the ER and insist on an admission. REFUSE to leave with him. He cannot be allowed to hurt anyone. If you think of it as preventing him from years of guilt it is easier to handle (it is then a PROACTIVE decision and not a REACTIVE decision).

    My difficult child has caused permanent damage to my hand. It was while he was very unstable and violent. We were trying to get his stuff ready to go to the psychiatric hospital. This was several YEARS ago. He now feels a huge amount of guilt (NONE that I put on him, it is HIS reaction). While he does not live with us, we see him very frequently. He often takes my hand and rubs it, even gives it a kiss if it very painful.

    I would do ANYTHING to keep him from having this guilt over his actions. I wish I was able to prevent the attack (he attacked me) partly because the hand hurts, but mostly because it is a very heavy burden for a child to carry. My son was 11 when he did this, he will be 16 in 2 weeks. LONG time already. We ARE working with him to get him to see he should NOT feel guilty. He was ill, it is over, and I bear no grudge or hard feelings. I love him wiht all my heart.

    Push for the neuro exam. When you see the neuro INSIST on a sleep deprived EEG _ test for seizures. My daughter was "diagnosed" with ADHD and depression (she really has PTSD and seizures) and the medications made her much worse. It has taken over a YEAR to get her seizures controlled, and it has not been easy. If I hadn't known to INSIST on a neuro exam and EEG we would not have know.

    Even the neuro did NOT think the test would find anything. He is AWESOME, and he was the first to sayshe was misdxed.

    It is difficult to change your parenting style, but often our kids do best when we are the least reactive to their behaviors NOT to ignore them, but to be calm about them.

    I have given you this suggestion before, but PLEASE go to and LISTEN to the audios. The seminars are AMAZING and WELL worth the time and cost (the one I went to was less costly than a doctor visit and helped MUCH more). The love and logic institute even has a book about using love and logic with kids with special needs.

    Sending hugs, and PROUD of you for continueing to fight for your child. If you want to talk about any of the love and logic stuff, or other stuff (including living with a violent child) feel free to PM me. (put the cursor on my name on the left side next to my post and click to send a private message). I will be happy to help any way I can, including going through our ordeal with a violent child and 2 others to protect.


  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I ABSOLUTELY 1100% agree with SusieStar!

    Someone one time after I felt like you do Prayerful said to me - So your child is making you crazy huh? I nodded through tears. And you wish you could get a break for 10 minutes - not asking a lot is it? No I nodded again. You think you are responsible for some of his behaviors and the way he acts is because of choices in your life? I nodded in agreement. And if he had been born green that would have been your fault too? Started to nod and was like "WHAT?" NO, I "He's not green." I said and they looked at me and said "Well you seem to be blaming yourself for everything else, not taking care of yourself, eaten up with guilt - you never take time for you so I assumed you felt that all his problems were YOURS." I sat for a minute and said "But all his problems ARE NOT mine." and the person said "THEN WHY DO YOU ACT LIKE THEY ARE ALL THE TIME?" - (I didn't realize I did)

    Then this person said "You know sometimes a baby deer is born white. No one jumps up and says OH MY GOSH THAT DEER gave birth to a freak of nature it's all the Doe's fault or the Bucks fault - the deer just is what it is - not anyones fault." Living with a difficult child is a lot like having that white deer - it's a unique creature give to you to Mother and parent the best way you can. One day at a time. In the mean time - you HAVE to take care of yourself. You have to find a way to make time for silence, peace, you, and without guilt.

    Don't second guess yourself - eliminate SHOULD HAVE from your vocabulary because if you were supposed to do what you should have at the time you would have - instead you did what you did and it's done. Get it? At the time you make decisions for difficult child - you don't sit there and go well I'm going to make the worst decision and in 10 minutes say "I should have done it different" You DO what you do at that moment for your child because you did the best you could. No one could ask more of you.

    If on the other hand you don't feel like you are doing the best you can - get or seek help. If you have help and you still feel like you aren't doing the best you can - get MORE help. Get so much help that eventually you can walk away from this bad situation and concentrate on you and your baby. And as far as trying to "figure it all out" why he behaves like he does, or why he does the things he does - girl - leme tell ya - you will go CRAZY if you don't stop it.

    I used to think many years ago, that if I could JUST figure out WHAT it is that makes difficult child upset, angry, act out - you know like someone did something to him and this is why he (fill in the blank) I would be able to find the CURE. Kinda like if your kid is throwing up and running a fever - you take them to the ER, they get tests, blood work and in 2-5 hours the doctor comes in and says Mrs. Star your son has the flu. We're giving him a prescription and he'll be fine in 5 days. So you take the sick kid home, give him the prescription or (miracle cure) and in 5 days he's better. I kept thinking with every pill or placement my son would be CURED> There is NO cure for this. He is who he is, and he's going to be who he is. No amount of begging or crying or near death experience on my part, or any other Mother's part here will change the behaviors of a difficult child. BELIEVE ME we've all tried.

    What a lot of us with older kids know that some moms with younger kids don't is just that - there is no cure. SO take care of yourself, educate yourself about things like your sons rights - YOUR rights to be safe in your own home. (Danger to self or others) is criteria the hospital needs to put a child into a psychiatric. hospital. No one wants their kids there - but look at the alternatives. And you have to keep your strength up - you have a son that is going to take you for a ride and a 1/2 - so you need to be well rested, and above all hopeful and like your name says Prayerful. Ignore any part of this and it WILL get worse.
    I think some days my name in Hebrew would have been "THE CHOSEN ONE" the way God figured I could handle and parent this child of mine. I'm lucky to have figured out in the last 2 years that I deserve a life. Now I'm living it - and difficult child is living his. A goal for sure.

    Good job on the IEP. If you need help with suggestions we're here and there are a TON of articles to read in the archives here on IEPS, what to ask for. LIke homework - does it stress him out? Did you know you can write in - NO HOMEWORK. And you can DEMAND a shadow for him in school to help walk with him and pull him out of class if he gets over stimulated? AT NO CHARGE TO YOU. and the district pays for it. THere are lots of things that you can do for your son - for me the best thing I did was get educated. For myself too. Once I knew how the system worked it was easier to figure out what to ask for. I knew I had finally gotten to them when I walked in a meeting with my "sons crew" and they had to get more chairs and the principal made a face to the district psychologist - PRICELESS - I knew they KNEW what I was asking for and wouldn't take anything less. Your son deserves the same. GO GET EM WARRIOR MOM!