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Don't Understand abt the Court Stuff
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 302398" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, let me see if I get it (and can clarify for others).</p><p></p><p>husband has been covering for difficult child for ages. As a rsult, when possible help could have been available for difficult child, husband has sabotaged it because he doesn't want difficult child cared for out of the home. "Nothing wrong with him, it's everybody else." It's been a case of telling lies for now and hope that it all goes away forever.</p><p></p><p>The problems with this -</p><p></p><p>1) difficult child doesn't get recognised as having serious problems, doesn't get the help he despreagtely needs.</p><p></p><p>2) Your marriage deteriorates, as difficult child blames you/his sister for "setting him up".</p><p></p><p>3) You are only the stepmother, but still the only mother your stepdaughter hasknown. Stepdaughter is getting thrown under the bus by her own father, if/when you leave, there will be nobody there to go to bat for her and you and she will never be able to be in touch again. All contact will be cut off.</p><p></p><p>Things have been getting worse for ages. husband is drinking rather than dealing with things. He is blaming you rather than dealing with things (so is it any wonder difficult child is blaming you? His father has pointed the way). difficult child has not been getting valid or appropriate treatment, because husband undermines every positive step taken.</p><p></p><p>HOWEVER - things now seem to have reached a point where outside authorities have had enough and something will be done. The best outcome for difficult child will be if the judge sees how disturbed difficult child is, and sends him to Residential Treatment Center (RTC).</p><p></p><p>PROBLEM - while husband keeps making excuses andenabling difficult child's lies, this will not only muddy the waters but risks two things happening:</p><p></p><p>1) difficult child could get off entirely (due to 'reasonable doubt') and be sent home under the care of his loving, considerate and vigilant father. OR</p><p></p><p>2) because this is not his first offence, the judge could opt for purely punitive measures. This will also put difficult child out of reach of the treatment he really needs. husband will be in a panic, again not coping, and will want you to spend every cent you have on mounting an appeal.</p><p></p><p>husband didn't want to tell you how things went. I think he still hasn't told you - because if nothing really happened, then why not say so? Why say instead, "You wouldn't want to know, because it will make you mad." and "It's hard to hear that stuff about your kid."? You have interpreted that last statement as being due to "difficult child is not competent to stand trial." Sorry, I don't think that is really what upset husband. You explained, "Well, probably because he's only 12." No, husband wasn't made happy when you said that - so what the therapist said was far more than what husband admitted to you.</p><p></p><p>husband doesn't want you to know what has been said. So instead he'c claiming nothing was said, claiming nothing is organised, nobody has put anything in place. If they had nothing in place, why bother meeting?</p><p></p><p>I think you are right in needing to be there, if only to be your own witness to what difficult child may say about you and his sister, and what husband allows to be said about you and others that you know to be not only untrue, but likely to have difficult child put back into the home without treatment and without supervision.</p><p></p><p>Surely there is some other way for you to know what has been getting said? What the therapist has really said? What about the welfare person who has been keeping her own eye on things? Is she privy to any information here in difficult child's case? Is she (or some other representative) going to be in court to add to any testimony?</p><p></p><p>What worries me is the risk that difficult child is going to get a purely punitive sentence, with no appropriate therapy that he really needs. He is not simply your average thug, he is a seriously damaged and disturbed individual who urgently needs intervention, not simply incarceration.</p><p></p><p>The best outcome for you, is difficult child out of the home but getting appropriate treatment, and husband not being permitted to shortcircuit the process. This could give you a chance to stick around for a bit longer, long enough hopefully to get help for your stepdaughter and for her to get that little bit older, so when you do eventually leave, she has some choice in staying in touch with you.</p><p></p><p>If you simply walked out now - I do get that this could be a disaster for stepdaughter (although some people might say - it's going to happen anyway so why prolong the agony). However, it also would make it far too easy for YOU to get the blame in court as well as with family (who don't matter - burt the court does).</p><p></p><p>You need to get out with your reputation and your bank balance intact, but also preferably knowing that difficult child is getting the help he needs, and stepdaughter is safe not only from difficult child, but also from her father and his weird family.</p><p></p><p>So until then - stay quiet, stay calm, stay resolved and don't trust the snakes.</p><p></p><p>Go to court. Take notes. At least you will know what has been said and will be better able to defend yourself from the undercarriage of the bus.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 302398, member: 1991"] OK, let me see if I get it (and can clarify for others). husband has been covering for difficult child for ages. As a rsult, when possible help could have been available for difficult child, husband has sabotaged it because he doesn't want difficult child cared for out of the home. "Nothing wrong with him, it's everybody else." It's been a case of telling lies for now and hope that it all goes away forever. The problems with this - 1) difficult child doesn't get recognised as having serious problems, doesn't get the help he despreagtely needs. 2) Your marriage deteriorates, as difficult child blames you/his sister for "setting him up". 3) You are only the stepmother, but still the only mother your stepdaughter hasknown. Stepdaughter is getting thrown under the bus by her own father, if/when you leave, there will be nobody there to go to bat for her and you and she will never be able to be in touch again. All contact will be cut off. Things have been getting worse for ages. husband is drinking rather than dealing with things. He is blaming you rather than dealing with things (so is it any wonder difficult child is blaming you? His father has pointed the way). difficult child has not been getting valid or appropriate treatment, because husband undermines every positive step taken. HOWEVER - things now seem to have reached a point where outside authorities have had enough and something will be done. The best outcome for difficult child will be if the judge sees how disturbed difficult child is, and sends him to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). PROBLEM - while husband keeps making excuses andenabling difficult child's lies, this will not only muddy the waters but risks two things happening: 1) difficult child could get off entirely (due to 'reasonable doubt') and be sent home under the care of his loving, considerate and vigilant father. OR 2) because this is not his first offence, the judge could opt for purely punitive measures. This will also put difficult child out of reach of the treatment he really needs. husband will be in a panic, again not coping, and will want you to spend every cent you have on mounting an appeal. husband didn't want to tell you how things went. I think he still hasn't told you - because if nothing really happened, then why not say so? Why say instead, "You wouldn't want to know, because it will make you mad." and "It's hard to hear that stuff about your kid."? You have interpreted that last statement as being due to "difficult child is not competent to stand trial." Sorry, I don't think that is really what upset husband. You explained, "Well, probably because he's only 12." No, husband wasn't made happy when you said that - so what the therapist said was far more than what husband admitted to you. husband doesn't want you to know what has been said. So instead he'c claiming nothing was said, claiming nothing is organised, nobody has put anything in place. If they had nothing in place, why bother meeting? I think you are right in needing to be there, if only to be your own witness to what difficult child may say about you and his sister, and what husband allows to be said about you and others that you know to be not only untrue, but likely to have difficult child put back into the home without treatment and without supervision. Surely there is some other way for you to know what has been getting said? What the therapist has really said? What about the welfare person who has been keeping her own eye on things? Is she privy to any information here in difficult child's case? Is she (or some other representative) going to be in court to add to any testimony? What worries me is the risk that difficult child is going to get a purely punitive sentence, with no appropriate therapy that he really needs. He is not simply your average thug, he is a seriously damaged and disturbed individual who urgently needs intervention, not simply incarceration. The best outcome for you, is difficult child out of the home but getting appropriate treatment, and husband not being permitted to shortcircuit the process. This could give you a chance to stick around for a bit longer, long enough hopefully to get help for your stepdaughter and for her to get that little bit older, so when you do eventually leave, she has some choice in staying in touch with you. If you simply walked out now - I do get that this could be a disaster for stepdaughter (although some people might say - it's going to happen anyway so why prolong the agony). However, it also would make it far too easy for YOU to get the blame in court as well as with family (who don't matter - burt the court does). You need to get out with your reputation and your bank balance intact, but also preferably knowing that difficult child is getting the help he needs, and stepdaughter is safe not only from difficult child, but also from her father and his weird family. So until then - stay quiet, stay calm, stay resolved and don't trust the snakes. Go to court. Take notes. At least you will know what has been said and will be better able to defend yourself from the undercarriage of the bus. Marg [/QUOTE]
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