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Don't Understand abt the Court Stuff
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<blockquote data-quote="WSM" data-source="post: 302665" data-attributes="member: 5169"><p>husband volunteered a bunch of 'info' last night. </p><p> </p><p>Since the August court hearing, difficult child has been ordered to have a meeting with the PubDef, a competency assessment with a court-appted therapist, and a mental health assessment with another court-appted therapist. He's also had another session with his regular therapist, the one who thinks difficult child should go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and said he was very, very disturbed.</p><p> </p><p>Per husband:</p><p> </p><p>The competency therapist said difficult child was not competent and might have given husband a hard time about not supporting difficult child. I'm not sure about this because husband was upset last night and I got mixed up at times as to whom he was referring occasionally. husband said it was hard to hear 'that' about your kid.</p><p> </p><p>The PubDef gave husband a very, very hard time about not supporting his son after he told her that . She 'yelled at him' for not standing up for difficult child. She said that husband was all difficult child had and husband had to be his son's advocate and that husband needed to support his son. husband did not ask if 'supporting' his son meant he was supposed to lie in court for him. (What happens is difficult child gets alone with people and plays poor little kicked puppy dog and so many people fall for it--and then most of the time, when they know all the details they change their minds; but seldom do people get to the point where they know the whole story--it's just so long and bizarre). </p><p> </p><p>Anyway, husband said, "And I'd knew you'd get mad, so I didn't tell you about it." Oooooooohh....that's a lie. Last week when husband excused himself from telling me about something because it would just make me mad, it was about the competency doctor because he said it before he saw the PubDef. He'd said both that it was hard to hear stuff like that about your son and that I'd just be mad anyway. So he's lying. No point in saying so though, because then husband plays victim and says all he did was mix up the dates or something and I'm calling him a liar for an innocent mistake, panlizing him because he isn't obsessed with details. So I didn't say anything, but another point in the liar column for husband.</p><p> </p><p>Then difficult child went to the therapist who talked to husband a couple minutes and to difficult child a long time. therapist supposedly said that difficult child was unhappy about being shut in his room all the time and supposedly therapist told husband that maybe the blended family thing wasn't working and our marriage wasn't 'tenable'. Now 'tenable' is not a word husband would use on his own initiative, not in a thousand years, so therapist probably said it. But since I've heard therapist say difficult child needs to be in a facility, and since therapist wrote it to the court (I copied the letter here a while ago), I suspect therapist said the 'situation' was untenable, as in difficult child couldn't spend the rest of his life in his room (which I agree), and meant that difficult child should go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). However, I couldn't explore this possibility because husband went off on the subject of the doctor being two faced and telling me a whole different story when I'm there and saying the opposite when it's just husband. And how he was getting so he didn't trust and like this doctor, and how I believed this 'stranger' over him and call him a liar when it's really the therapist, and this was what was wrong with the marriage, and I wasn't supportive, blah, blah, blah...sigh... I did ask husband if he ever asked therapist directly what therapist's diagnosis/assessment of difficult child was. husband hesitated and then said that therapist thought the marriage wasn't good for difficult child and then launched into a poor husband tirade about how he felt he had to chose between losing his wife or losing his son. by the way--abt therapist telling me one thing and husband the opposite depending on who's attending the session, before I ever attended even one session, husband admitted therapist had said to just husband all by himself that difficult child was very very disturbed and should be in a facility.</p><p> </p><p>Supposedly the court appted mental health assessment therapist husband saw yesterday wasn't as bad as the PubDef lady about attacking husband (notice how it's always about how people treat husband and not about what they think of the situation or difficult child?). The court-appted therapist made husband fill out a lot of surveys where you answer questions 'always', 'sometimes', 'rarely', and 'never'. husband complained, and I commiserated, that these surveys don't let you answer the way you need to (agreed). He talked to difficult child alone and then said a little about supporting difficult child, but it wasn't as bad as the other lady (the PubDef?).</p><p> </p><p>At one point husband challenged me to find ANYONE except me who thought difficult child was a problem kid. I looked at him shocked. So he ammended, 'except one, your buddy the CPS lady'. I pointed out there were several people who thought difficult child was a problem. "Name two, bet you can't name two." Well, some of the police, counsellor XX at the high school who was the first to say difficult child should go into a residential facility, two of the probation officers, therapist. He poo-pooed all of them; he's in serious denial.</p><p> </p><p>He then accused me of not supporting him, never supporting him. I said I wouldn't be supporting lies, but I do support him and difficult child provided support didn't require me to take risks or live in fantasy world. He wanted to know again why I was going to court since it wasn't to support him. I said he didn't want my support and I was going for me. He accused me of going to catch him in a lie and insisted he didn't lie to me as much as I thought, hardly ever. He accused me of going to court just to 'make sure the truth was told' (what a crime that would be, huh?). I said I was going for me; difficult child was accusing me or my kids of planting the pills on him and so it involved me. The look on husband's face let me know that yes, difficult child was blaming me, and also that husband realized it was a reasonable motive for going to court. He didn't say anything for a while, then he jumped up from his chair and said, "Yes, but you aren't going to support me, it's not for support." "I'm going for me." "You aren't supporting me, you've never supported me, you aren't going to court to support me or difficult child." As if that was all that mattered. </p><p> </p><p>Then he asked me what he was getting out of this marriage, since I didn't support him ever. I said "nothing, if you sit back and wait to get something out of it, you get what you put into it." He was nasty about it and said, "Well you tell me what the rules of marriage are. Like always you just give orders and we have to obey." </p><p> </p><p>I said, "Okay then, well...Hitler is going to bed now." </p><p> </p><p>About 15 minutes later he came upstairs and apologized and asked if I was okay. I said I was fine. He said he was going to stop drinking, although if I thought he was never going to have a drink again that was just unreasonable, but maybe we could come to an agreement on his drinking. I said I wasn't in charge of his drinking and not going to be involved. He said, "You sure aren't in charge of my drinking." And went away. He came back a bit later and apologized again and asked if I was all right. Yep, fine. I wasn't looking for an argument tonight, was he? He said he wasn't and hugged me and went away again and I fell asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Dear heavens, this needs so much to be over with. I hope the judge sees through the BS. I can't imagine the judge is going to go into home life and who's 'supportive' and who's 'mean'. I'm guessing the judge is just going to stick to the facts: did difficult child have the pills on him, did he have an rx, were they planted on him? I don't imagine the judge is going to be worried about whether difficult child is happy with his father's remarriage and if I'm supportive or not, or any of this he said/she said stuff. I don't know how much judges care about the complex and subtle psychiatric history and make up of defendants. Or how much time they give to these matters. </p><p> </p><p>I just wish this was over and I was safely settled into my single life many states away, all these issues behind me. (My lawyer informs me that while we are divorcing and waiting for the house to sell, we will still have to live together, because if I leave, and they probably won't force husband to leave, I'll still have to meet the bills in the marital house as well as the new apt, and I can't do that. It's going to be so miserable).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WSM, post: 302665, member: 5169"] husband volunteered a bunch of 'info' last night. Since the August court hearing, difficult child has been ordered to have a meeting with the PubDef, a competency assessment with a court-appted therapist, and a mental health assessment with another court-appted therapist. He's also had another session with his regular therapist, the one who thinks difficult child should go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and said he was very, very disturbed. Per husband: The competency therapist said difficult child was not competent and might have given husband a hard time about not supporting difficult child. I'm not sure about this because husband was upset last night and I got mixed up at times as to whom he was referring occasionally. husband said it was hard to hear 'that' about your kid. The PubDef gave husband a very, very hard time about not supporting his son after he told her that . She 'yelled at him' for not standing up for difficult child. She said that husband was all difficult child had and husband had to be his son's advocate and that husband needed to support his son. husband did not ask if 'supporting' his son meant he was supposed to lie in court for him. (What happens is difficult child gets alone with people and plays poor little kicked puppy dog and so many people fall for it--and then most of the time, when they know all the details they change their minds; but seldom do people get to the point where they know the whole story--it's just so long and bizarre). Anyway, husband said, "And I'd knew you'd get mad, so I didn't tell you about it." Oooooooohh....that's a lie. Last week when husband excused himself from telling me about something because it would just make me mad, it was about the competency doctor because he said it before he saw the PubDef. He'd said both that it was hard to hear stuff like that about your son and that I'd just be mad anyway. So he's lying. No point in saying so though, because then husband plays victim and says all he did was mix up the dates or something and I'm calling him a liar for an innocent mistake, panlizing him because he isn't obsessed with details. So I didn't say anything, but another point in the liar column for husband. Then difficult child went to the therapist who talked to husband a couple minutes and to difficult child a long time. therapist supposedly said that difficult child was unhappy about being shut in his room all the time and supposedly therapist told husband that maybe the blended family thing wasn't working and our marriage wasn't 'tenable'. Now 'tenable' is not a word husband would use on his own initiative, not in a thousand years, so therapist probably said it. But since I've heard therapist say difficult child needs to be in a facility, and since therapist wrote it to the court (I copied the letter here a while ago), I suspect therapist said the 'situation' was untenable, as in difficult child couldn't spend the rest of his life in his room (which I agree), and meant that difficult child should go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). However, I couldn't explore this possibility because husband went off on the subject of the doctor being two faced and telling me a whole different story when I'm there and saying the opposite when it's just husband. And how he was getting so he didn't trust and like this doctor, and how I believed this 'stranger' over him and call him a liar when it's really the therapist, and this was what was wrong with the marriage, and I wasn't supportive, blah, blah, blah...sigh... I did ask husband if he ever asked therapist directly what therapist's diagnosis/assessment of difficult child was. husband hesitated and then said that therapist thought the marriage wasn't good for difficult child and then launched into a poor husband tirade about how he felt he had to chose between losing his wife or losing his son. by the way--abt therapist telling me one thing and husband the opposite depending on who's attending the session, before I ever attended even one session, husband admitted therapist had said to just husband all by himself that difficult child was very very disturbed and should be in a facility. Supposedly the court appted mental health assessment therapist husband saw yesterday wasn't as bad as the PubDef lady about attacking husband (notice how it's always about how people treat husband and not about what they think of the situation or difficult child?). The court-appted therapist made husband fill out a lot of surveys where you answer questions 'always', 'sometimes', 'rarely', and 'never'. husband complained, and I commiserated, that these surveys don't let you answer the way you need to (agreed). He talked to difficult child alone and then said a little about supporting difficult child, but it wasn't as bad as the other lady (the PubDef?). At one point husband challenged me to find ANYONE except me who thought difficult child was a problem kid. I looked at him shocked. So he ammended, 'except one, your buddy the CPS lady'. I pointed out there were several people who thought difficult child was a problem. "Name two, bet you can't name two." Well, some of the police, counsellor XX at the high school who was the first to say difficult child should go into a residential facility, two of the probation officers, therapist. He poo-pooed all of them; he's in serious denial. He then accused me of not supporting him, never supporting him. I said I wouldn't be supporting lies, but I do support him and difficult child provided support didn't require me to take risks or live in fantasy world. He wanted to know again why I was going to court since it wasn't to support him. I said he didn't want my support and I was going for me. He accused me of going to catch him in a lie and insisted he didn't lie to me as much as I thought, hardly ever. He accused me of going to court just to 'make sure the truth was told' (what a crime that would be, huh?). I said I was going for me; difficult child was accusing me or my kids of planting the pills on him and so it involved me. The look on husband's face let me know that yes, difficult child was blaming me, and also that husband realized it was a reasonable motive for going to court. He didn't say anything for a while, then he jumped up from his chair and said, "Yes, but you aren't going to support me, it's not for support." "I'm going for me." "You aren't supporting me, you've never supported me, you aren't going to court to support me or difficult child." As if that was all that mattered. Then he asked me what he was getting out of this marriage, since I didn't support him ever. I said "nothing, if you sit back and wait to get something out of it, you get what you put into it." He was nasty about it and said, "Well you tell me what the rules of marriage are. Like always you just give orders and we have to obey." I said, "Okay then, well...Hitler is going to bed now." About 15 minutes later he came upstairs and apologized and asked if I was okay. I said I was fine. He said he was going to stop drinking, although if I thought he was never going to have a drink again that was just unreasonable, but maybe we could come to an agreement on his drinking. I said I wasn't in charge of his drinking and not going to be involved. He said, "You sure aren't in charge of my drinking." And went away. He came back a bit later and apologized again and asked if I was all right. Yep, fine. I wasn't looking for an argument tonight, was he? He said he wasn't and hugged me and went away again and I fell asleep. Dear heavens, this needs so much to be over with. I hope the judge sees through the BS. I can't imagine the judge is going to go into home life and who's 'supportive' and who's 'mean'. I'm guessing the judge is just going to stick to the facts: did difficult child have the pills on him, did he have an rx, were they planted on him? I don't imagine the judge is going to be worried about whether difficult child is happy with his father's remarriage and if I'm supportive or not, or any of this he said/she said stuff. I don't know how much judges care about the complex and subtle psychiatric history and make up of defendants. Or how much time they give to these matters. I just wish this was over and I was safely settled into my single life many states away, all these issues behind me. (My lawyer informs me that while we are divorcing and waiting for the house to sell, we will still have to live together, because if I leave, and they probably won't force husband to leave, I'll still have to meet the bills in the marital house as well as the new apt, and I can't do that. It's going to be so miserable). [/QUOTE]
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