Drained and Sad

[Brandi_Gordon]

Hello all. I have an 18 year old daughter and she has always been a hand full and then some. Her disrespectful behavior started around 14-15 and slowly escalated over the years. She is verbally abusive, has punched me once, but mostly breaking things in anger around the house; then screams at me because I wont fix the things she broke in her room. These out bursts are almost daily now. The last one was because I inquired about where she was on setting up traffic school for a speeding ticket she received (she broke her closet doors because I would not do this for her). She has threaten suicide a few times to try to control the people in her life such as when her boyfriend try's to break up with her. She has hit her boyfriend, scratched him, tore his clothes several times. I have had her in counseling but she is so resistant in the sessions they are not productive. We have gone to counseling together, but when I show emotion she laughs at me and tells the counselor I am just trying to get attention. I have tried behavioral contracts, reasoning, grounding, taking her bed room door away when she slams it in my face or other wise, taking the phone, etc, etc, etc. Next on the list, I plan to call the Police the next time she hits me or damages my property, but that is the last thing I can do before putting her stuff on the front lawn and changing the locks. It is really getting to the point I can not live with her anymore. If engaging law enforcement doesn't work as a wake up call she will need to find other living arrangements. I am so scared of the road we are on. I am wondering if it comes to that are there social services that I can refer her to for temporary housing? If I did have to ask her to leave I would want to make sure she has a safe place to go. It makes me sick to my stomach just to write that, but I am not sure if anyone else would take her in.

 

[scent of cedar]

Welcome, Brandi.

Parenting a difficult child is a heartbreaking, thankless, endless task. We are left feeling so unsure of ourselves. We continually question the part we may have played in creating our children's situations. We never stop looking for ways to help our children. We sometimes lose confidence in our ability to make decisions for our children or for ourselves. We find ourselves being threatened or abused by the children we love more than life itself and we don't know what to do, anymore. Our children refuse to obey us; they laugh at and ridicule our morals, our lifestyles and appearances. They engage in activities we find appalling with people who scare us half to death. We worry. We forgive and forgive and forgive. We fight everything the difficult child seems to arrow in on without fail until we are exhausted, ourselves.

We are ashamed. Humiliated. We do the best we know...and it doesn't help.

I have taken such strength from this Board. It is a wonderful, safe place for us to share the pain and confusion raising a difficult child brings. I am glad you are here, glad you decided to post to us.

Things will begin to feel a little better for you, now that you have found us.

Others of us will be along, shortly.

Brandi, are drugs or alcohol involved? If you suspect either of those things, please check out the Substance Abuse forum, too.

Barbara

 

[Cjm]

So sorry to hear your troubles. Loving our children is not always enough. Some, my daughter is one just are not wired as we would like. Get help. Do not blame yourself. Be strong. You are not alone. ComCom

 

[BusynMember]

Can you tell us more about her? Drugs involved? Do you still pay her bills? Does she go to school or work? Has she stolen from you? Without a commitment to change and an understanding that one needs to change, counseling is a waste of money.

in my opinion violence should not be tolerated nor putting a hole in the wall. Call the cops. You may start thinking about her either listening to a list of rules you set out for her or giving her a certain date to move out. I recommend reading about detachment. Many of us have been there or are still going there. I wouldn't let her drive if she is a wreckless driver...at least not in my car or on my dime and I wouldn't pay insurance. I had one daughter we had to stop from using our vehicles.

Welcome to the board, but so sorry you had to be here.

 

[susiestar]

Hi and welcome. I am glad to meet you, but sorry you needed to seek this forum out. This is a wonderful, very welcoming, understanding and non-judgemental group. We truly understand in ways the parents of the 'normal' kids just can't.

First of all, if your username is your real name, it needs to be changed. This is for your privacy and protection as well as for anyone you kno and/or may post about. We don't list identifying info or post pics of our kids as our avatars, etc... The things we discuss are very sensitive and it is a huge help to have a place to say ALL that you think/feel that is not shared with everyone you know but where others can discuss things with you. One of the moderators can help you change your username.

Now down to the topic of your difficult child (your difficult child, means Gift from God, hover your cursor over abbreviations with a light underline and the meaning will show up). Many of us have found a strategy called, "Do to Get" to be very useful. It simply means that if the difficult child wants something, they must do something you want them to do first. FIRST. If you allow them to do it later, it is just another thing they won't do that is a source of conflict. Keep your emotions out of things as you go through this, esp the first few (dozen? hundred?) times. The less you react to their conflama (conflict + drama = conflama) the more distracted you get from what needs to happen. they do the chore/item/task/request and then they get the things they want. their conflama? Rolls off you like water off a duck. You don't give in to their promises, threats or half-mule job of the task. If possible you ignore their conflama until they have completed the "Do". Then you let them have the "Get". Lectures and comments about how it wasn't so bad once they actually did the task is NOT helpful (been there done that and the shirt is a truly hideous shade of baby poop green), and neither is pointing out that the task took five min but the tantrum took 90 min.

Violence can NEVER be tolerated. Police need to be called at the first sign of violence or damage to your property or any person. This may be very important if you choose to kick her out. Why? She likely has tenant rights. Meaning that if she knows these rights she could refuse to leave and force you to go to court to get a judge to make her move out. That can take months. But living there and living there with all the comforts that your parents' jobs pay for are different things, and that can be worked with if it comes to that (depending on your creativity). One of the biggest issues here is whether she has graduated from high school or not. Laws on this vary, but some areas make it very hard to kick out a child who is enrolled in high school. It is difficult to graduate if you have to pay all the bills, so some areas have laws that insist a parent provide the basic necessities until the child has graduated.

I strongly recommend that both your husband and yourself read "Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic" by Faye and Cline. L&L (Love and Logic) books are interesting and effective for both parents and teachers. They have quite a few more titles, but from my information, this one will be a big help as you navigate life with your daughter and what is best for everyone in the situation. The book is in many bookstores, on amazon and other bookseller websites, and can also be ordered from www.loveandlogic.com . Even if you never buy the book or read it, go to the webste and poke around in both the parent and the educator parts. You will get a feel for L&L and you will find some freebies there also. they use natural and logical consequences to help you parent and I have found this to be one of very few books/series of books on parenting that made ANY sense to my husband and to the husband's of many of my friends and relatives. It very much was helpful in getting my husband and I on the same page and keeping us there.

I hope this helps. sorry it is so long. Welcome!

 

[Nomad]

I am so sorry. First off, I'm not exactly how to do it, but you can go to the main page, first thread called Site Resource and see if you can change your name (if that is your real name or mostly your real name). Perhaps use a nick name, fake name or take the last part off.... You can always contact Runaway Bunny the site owner and have her do this for you. You should be able to find her at that Site Resources area.

Sounds like you are doing many of the right things. It is just HARD HARD HARD. Don't fool yourself. If she wont go to therapy or takes it as a joke, you can go by yourself to get the strength you need. Also, there are resources like Families Anonymous that are very helpful and folks there might know about temporary housing. We have a 1 800 HELP LINE in my area and I have called it before to find out where the shelters are just in case we had to send our difficult child to one of those.


You should not have to put up with violence. Period. If she is violent toward you or someone else in the home, go ahead and call the police. First of all, that is the logical consequence to such horrible behavior. You might also take an officer aside and get info. about shelters and also if you can legally remove her from the home. In some states, you have to give her legal notice (don't EVER tell her this!!!!). But if you have a record of her being violent toward you, I suspect that you wont have to worry about it.

I think all of us here have had that "sick to our stomach" feelings. It is unfair, unfathomable, unreal and unthinkable to have to kick your adult child out of your home.

But ground rules need to be set up, very clear and adhered to. You have to survive this and you have no choice in setting and keeping boundaries, because if you don't, it will only make her and things worse.

Sending good thoughts for comfort and strength. Get that counseling if you can afford and feel you need it!!!!