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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 604313" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi and welcome. I am glad to meet you, but sorry you needed to seek this forum out. This is a wonderful, very welcoming, understanding and non-judgemental group. We truly understand in ways the parents of the 'normal' kids just can't. </p><p></p><p>First of all, if your username is your real name, it needs to be changed. This is for your privacy and protection as well as for anyone you kno and/or may post about. We don't list identifying info or post pics of our kids as our avatars, etc... The things we discuss are very sensitive and it is a huge help to have a place to say ALL that you think/feel that is not shared with everyone you know but where others can discuss things with you. One of the moderators can help you change your username. </p><p></p><p>Now down to the topic of your difficult child (your difficult child, means Gift from God, hover your cursor over abbreviations with a light underline and the meaning will show up). Many of us have found a strategy called, "Do to Get" to be very useful. It simply means that if the difficult child wants something, they must do something you want them to do first. FIRST. If you allow them to do it later, it is just another thing they won't do that is a source of conflict. Keep your emotions out of things as you go through this, esp the first few (dozen? hundred?) times. The less you react to their conflama (conflict + drama = conflama) the more distracted you get from what needs to happen. they do the chore/item/task/request and then they get the things they want. their conflama? Rolls off you like water off a duck. You don't give in to their promises, threats or half-mule job of the task. If possible you ignore their conflama until they have completed the "Do". Then you let them have the "Get". Lectures and comments about how it wasn't so bad once they actually did the task is NOT helpful (been there done that and the shirt is a truly hideous shade of baby poop green), and neither is pointing out that the task took five min but the tantrum took 90 min. </p><p></p><p>Violence can NEVER be tolerated. Police need to be called at the first sign of violence or damage to your property or any person. This may be very important if you choose to kick her out. Why? She likely has tenant rights. Meaning that if she knows these rights she could refuse to leave and force you to go to court to get a judge to make her move out. That can take months. But living there and living there with all the comforts that your parents' jobs pay for are different things, and that can be worked with if it comes to that (depending on your creativity). One of the biggest issues here is whether she has graduated from high school or not. Laws on this vary, but some areas make it very hard to kick out a child who is enrolled in high school. It is difficult to graduate if you have to pay all the bills, so some areas have laws that insist a parent provide the basic necessities until the child has graduated. </p><p></p><p>I strongly recommend that both your husband and yourself read "Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic" by Faye and Cline. L&L (Love and Logic) books are interesting and effective for both parents and teachers. They have quite a few more titles, but from my information, this one will be a big help as you navigate life with your daughter and what is best for everyone in the situation. The book is in many bookstores, on amazon and other bookseller websites, and can also be ordered from <a href="http://www.loveandlogic.com" target="_blank">www.loveandlogic.com</a> . Even if you never buy the book or read it, go to the webste and poke around in both the parent and the educator parts. You will get a feel for L&L and you will find some freebies there also. they use natural and logical consequences to help you parent and I have found this to be one of very few books/series of books on parenting that made ANY sense to my husband and to the husband's of many of my friends and relatives. It very much was helpful in getting my husband and I on the same page and keeping us there. </p><p></p><p>I hope this helps. sorry it is so long. Welcome!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 604313, member: 1233"] Hi and welcome. I am glad to meet you, but sorry you needed to seek this forum out. This is a wonderful, very welcoming, understanding and non-judgemental group. We truly understand in ways the parents of the 'normal' kids just can't. First of all, if your username is your real name, it needs to be changed. This is for your privacy and protection as well as for anyone you kno and/or may post about. We don't list identifying info or post pics of our kids as our avatars, etc... The things we discuss are very sensitive and it is a huge help to have a place to say ALL that you think/feel that is not shared with everyone you know but where others can discuss things with you. One of the moderators can help you change your username. Now down to the topic of your difficult child (your difficult child, means Gift from God, hover your cursor over abbreviations with a light underline and the meaning will show up). Many of us have found a strategy called, "Do to Get" to be very useful. It simply means that if the difficult child wants something, they must do something you want them to do first. FIRST. If you allow them to do it later, it is just another thing they won't do that is a source of conflict. Keep your emotions out of things as you go through this, esp the first few (dozen? hundred?) times. The less you react to their conflama (conflict + drama = conflama) the more distracted you get from what needs to happen. they do the chore/item/task/request and then they get the things they want. their conflama? Rolls off you like water off a duck. You don't give in to their promises, threats or half-mule job of the task. If possible you ignore their conflama until they have completed the "Do". Then you let them have the "Get". Lectures and comments about how it wasn't so bad once they actually did the task is NOT helpful (been there done that and the shirt is a truly hideous shade of baby poop green), and neither is pointing out that the task took five min but the tantrum took 90 min. Violence can NEVER be tolerated. Police need to be called at the first sign of violence or damage to your property or any person. This may be very important if you choose to kick her out. Why? She likely has tenant rights. Meaning that if she knows these rights she could refuse to leave and force you to go to court to get a judge to make her move out. That can take months. But living there and living there with all the comforts that your parents' jobs pay for are different things, and that can be worked with if it comes to that (depending on your creativity). One of the biggest issues here is whether she has graduated from high school or not. Laws on this vary, but some areas make it very hard to kick out a child who is enrolled in high school. It is difficult to graduate if you have to pay all the bills, so some areas have laws that insist a parent provide the basic necessities until the child has graduated. I strongly recommend that both your husband and yourself read "Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic" by Faye and Cline. L&L (Love and Logic) books are interesting and effective for both parents and teachers. They have quite a few more titles, but from my information, this one will be a big help as you navigate life with your daughter and what is best for everyone in the situation. The book is in many bookstores, on amazon and other bookseller websites, and can also be ordered from [url]www.loveandlogic.com[/url] . Even if you never buy the book or read it, go to the webste and poke around in both the parent and the educator parts. You will get a feel for L&L and you will find some freebies there also. they use natural and logical consequences to help you parent and I have found this to be one of very few books/series of books on parenting that made ANY sense to my husband and to the husband's of many of my friends and relatives. It very much was helpful in getting my husband and I on the same page and keeping us there. I hope this helps. sorry it is so long. Welcome! [/QUOTE]
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