Kris22, in the years of disentangling from my twos choices, I have reflected on my sadness and guilt. It began to feel like love, that I should remain in despair over my twos lifestyles. Many times I have read an anguished parents reasoning that it was impossible to find joy while their adult child was out there floundering. It is aptly called FOG. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. In this fog, we are trapped in the misery and chaos that comes with having wayward children. We slip and slide with their downward spiraling, feeling the backlash of their decisions, buying in to their claims that we are the cause of their bad choices. Addiction and mental illness would suck us into this dark hellish void, causing us to believe that we should suffer along with our children, that we should sacrifice ourselves, our happiness.
Many times, I did just that, falling into depression over the chaos, only to find my two skipping off to the sunset of their next high, then the next calamity. It was an endless horrific rollercoaster ride that I had strapped myself into. With the help of this forum and focusing on my minor son, (who was literally waiting in the wings for my attention) I decided to get off the roller coaster. I learned through time and experience that no matter what my response or reaction was, my two were going to do whatever the heck they wanted to do. I stopped throwing myself under their bus, stopped vexing and worrying, stopped making their lives my main focus. Because there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop their madness. I did not give up on them, on hope, I gave in to the notion that I could stop their train wrecks. That I was somehow responsible for their choices.
They are adults and will do as they please.I will not allow their addiction and drug use to take my life. That is unacceptable. I learned from my well children, who stood up for themselves and said enough. “When they honestly want help to change and show it through action, we will be there for them.”
That’s not selfish, that’s healthy.
Our downhill struggle with sadness and grief is not love. It is entanglement with the disease. Love is showing our kids through action what we want most for them. We want them to take care of themselves, to make healthy choices, to love themselves enough to say no. No drugs, no chaos, no downward spiraling. Love says no. It begins with us realizing that we need to lead the way in making healthy choices for ourselves, pulling up and out of the rabbit hole, setting boundaries and practicing self love. That is the greatest gift we can give ourselves as well as all of our children!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
