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DS totally and suddenly silent
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<blockquote data-quote="Beta" data-source="post: 755688" data-attributes="member: 22597"><p>Thank you, each of you, for your comfort and wise words. I read them and drew strength. </p><p>Well, here's what happened: I called a number on his phone activity, not knowing who or what it was, and the guy who answered was some guy my son does work for. He said he would try to contact Josh. He did, because within 30 minutes, I got an angry text from Josh, followed by an even angrier phone call, asking me "what the f*** was wrong with me...don't you ever f****ing do that again...."don't contact me." </p><p> Whew. Felt pretty dumb and thickheaded, as well as really hurt and angry. It wasn't just the words he said; it was the venom in his voice, the hatred in his voice. </p><p>My husband said, "Please just honor what he wants right now, until he wants to change that." Yep, he's right. I just have a hard time "letting go." It's like losing part of yourself, and I don't know how to deal with that. </p><p>I keep fooling myself into thinking that "this time" will be different. That knowing I care about him will soften his heart. Except it doesn't. But after hearing him on the phone, I have to say that the memory of that will keep me from even trying for a long time; it's not something I'm going to forget. He literally texted me, "I'm going to murder u." </p><p></p><p>I know that God can do a miracle in his life and that things could change. I know that; I believe that. But I also know that we may go to our deathbed never seeing him again and not even knowing where he is or what happened to him. It's so hard to deal with that possibility. </p><p></p><p>How do I honor the sweet person he once was and enjoy those memories and at the same time distance myself from this person, who is toxic and dangerous? I haven't got that sorted out in my mind. It's like "all or nothing" thinking in my mind: Either I completely put him out of my mind and not remember the good times, or I remember them and put myself through the abuse as I keep trying to "find" that person inside him. I don't know if that makes any sense; I'm just rambling, trying to figure out what my thinking is and where I'm going wrong in my thinking.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Beta, post: 755688, member: 22597"] Thank you, each of you, for your comfort and wise words. I read them and drew strength. Well, here's what happened: I called a number on his phone activity, not knowing who or what it was, and the guy who answered was some guy my son does work for. He said he would try to contact Josh. He did, because within 30 minutes, I got an angry text from Josh, followed by an even angrier phone call, asking me "what the f*** was wrong with me...don't you ever f****ing do that again...."don't contact me." Whew. Felt pretty dumb and thickheaded, as well as really hurt and angry. It wasn't just the words he said; it was the venom in his voice, the hatred in his voice. My husband said, "Please just honor what he wants right now, until he wants to change that." Yep, he's right. I just have a hard time "letting go." It's like losing part of yourself, and I don't know how to deal with that. I keep fooling myself into thinking that "this time" will be different. That knowing I care about him will soften his heart. Except it doesn't. But after hearing him on the phone, I have to say that the memory of that will keep me from even trying for a long time; it's not something I'm going to forget. He literally texted me, "I'm going to murder u." I know that God can do a miracle in his life and that things could change. I know that; I believe that. But I also know that we may go to our deathbed never seeing him again and not even knowing where he is or what happened to him. It's so hard to deal with that possibility. How do I honor the sweet person he once was and enjoy those memories and at the same time distance myself from this person, who is toxic and dangerous? I haven't got that sorted out in my mind. It's like "all or nothing" thinking in my mind: Either I completely put him out of my mind and not remember the good times, or I remember them and put myself through the abuse as I keep trying to "find" that person inside him. I don't know if that makes any sense; I'm just rambling, trying to figure out what my thinking is and where I'm going wrong in my thinking. [/QUOTE]
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