DS totally and suddenly silent

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beta, Feb 12, 2020.

  1. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I'm a little worried today. Josh has not sent any ranting texts for over a week and has not responded to any of my text messages or phone messages. His phone shows activity on it, and he's not listed in the Denver jail so far. I'm not sure what to think, but I do tend to go "worst case scenario" mode often throughout the day and night. I don't know if he has blocked us or is just refusing to respond.

    If he hasn't blocked us, and he's just refusing to respond, I'm hurt and angry that he would be so callous as to ignore my pleas to just let us know he' s okay.

    I worry that this is "it," the time when he will disappear from our lives forever. This is the thing I have feared for so long, and I'm afraid that it's happening.

    Have any of you experienced this and what did you do?
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Yes. Kay blocked us and took off and nobody is sure where she is other than she started out in California. We are trying to get custody of her son so I don't think she will ever talk to anyone again except maybe in court. I think after that she will go silent forever.

    It was a long downhill ride with Kay. We knew this was coming. It is sad at times, but was inevitable. I am very sorry Josh is doing this to you. You do not deserve this. I send prayers and love.
  3. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Thanks BusynMember. I just feel a lot of anxiety. If I lose him, I feel like I have lost part of myself. I can't stand the thought of not knowing what, if anything, has happened, or where he is.
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I have had both of my sons "go quiet" on me for long periods of time. Although, it's easier said than done, I would not draw on the worst case scenario just yet. To me I found it was another way they could "punish me" instead of the verbal abuse. Eventually, they each returned to communicating with me and this pattern has repeated itself multiple times. It has been six months since oldest son and I have communicated (other than one nasty voicemail before Christmas which I did not respond to). I have to trust he's gotten on his feet and made some changes to better his life.

    It isn't easy but try not to focus on all the bad possibilities. I don't know the future but my hunch is that even if your son does stay away for a while, I think he'll get back in touch with you at some point based on my past experiences.

    I know you will and are but continue to send prayers of healing his way. Remember God's timing is perfect so we have to hope and believe that even though we can't see any changes happening that something good is taking place on behalf of your son. It may be a very small change that one couldn't detect with the naked eye but I have to believe that all the small changes will lead to their betterment someday.

    Have hope and stay strong.
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  5. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Beta, I don't have any great insights to share. My son is still in the picture (living with us for a few more weeks still) so the longest I don't hear from him is a day or two. He did go "missing" for a whole weekend a couple of weeks ago. This was to "punish" us after an argument. I was beside myself at the time but he eventually came around and answered his phone. That incident was enough to give me some understanding of how you must be feeling and my heart goes out to you.

    I agree with JayPee, try not to think the worst. I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but don't give up hope. These kids of ours don't think straight and do the strangest things for who knows what reason. There's every chance that he is fine and will message you soon.

    Sending you love and strength.
  6. Deni D

    Deni D Active Member

    Beta, our son's are similar in their behaviors. Mine has been insisting I'm mentally ill, "drugged" him and abused him as a child, for the last year or so. The "drugging" was the medication for his Bipolar Disorder.

    My son goes dark for extended periods of time now. It started a couple of years ago when I cut most of my financial support off. This was after he became very verbally abusive to the extent I became afraid for my physical well being, and most importantly he decided he will not take medication any longer. I mistakenly thought I could control him and make him take care of his mental health by cutting my financial support down based on him taking care of his mental health. He showed me. He found someone more codependent than I was to enable him, an adult who feels good "helping" him all the while this adult is not doing too well in life himself.

    My son stayed exclusively abusive for quite a while with his calls and emails, and now has stopped contacting me except very sporadically. When he does contact me now he does something similar to what you have described your son does. He will tell me something along the lines of an apology or an understanding of how he knows I've done the best I could considering all of my issues and limitations, whatever they are in his mind. But within 24 hours he contacts me again to tell me how horrible I am. I see this as a good sign even though I dread that "take down" call I know is coming. At some point I expect my son, after his fits and starts, might just actually take responsibility for his life and mental health.

    In my son's case he goes dark for months, again after contacting me. I do not reach out to him because he states he does not want contact from me, as he views me as toxic. Seems to me your son is a bit more attached to reality considering he's been going back and forth in his thinking all along with you, and hasn't told you not to contact him.

    I know in my son's case when he goes dark he's just otherwise occupied. I am lucky because I know where he lives, am amazed he still has a roof over his head and find out through the grapevine where he is currently working, if he is, and such.

    Considering your son's phone shows activity I would assume he is using it, not that someone else has it and he's in a ditch somewhere. I've had those same types of worries in the past over my son, they are so soul crushing and debilitating.

    There are times, because it's not the healthiest of living situation for my son, I wonder if he's dead, or unconscious and in need of emergency medical care in the basement of that house. Those times I turn it over to God, pray he's okay, and ask God to send intervention in the form of someone my son will listen to. I did that just recently after an extended period of no contact, and then got a phone call from my son telling me he misses me and he knows I was just very afraid while raising him, did the best I could and such, his version of reality and apologizing. Of course I then got the phone call telling me how horrible I am the next day. But I see it as God answering, he's okay, and is on his path, not the path I want for him, but he's breathing and is alive.

    All I can say is give it to God, no matter what the outcome, you have no control over the situation. Trust that God will do whatever is best, no matter what it is. Who knows what tomorrow will bring for you, me, anyone we know, anyone who reads here, most of life is not in our control as we have found out. We can appreciate everyday, have gratitude for what we have and those around us, do what is best for us and try to influence those around us but that's about it. If I had a magic wand, I would take away your worry and heartbreak, the worry and heartbreak that overshadows our lives in times such as these.
  7. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Thank you, each of you, for your comfort and wise words. I read them and drew strength.
    Well, here's what happened: I called a number on his phone activity, not knowing who or what it was, and the guy who answered was some guy my son does work for. He said he would try to contact Josh. He did, because within 30 minutes, I got an angry text from Josh, followed by an even angrier phone call, asking me "what the f*** was wrong with me...don't you ever f****ing do that again...."don't contact me."
    Whew. Felt pretty dumb and thickheaded, as well as really hurt and angry. It wasn't just the words he said; it was the venom in his voice, the hatred in his voice.
    My husband said, "Please just honor what he wants right now, until he wants to change that." Yep, he's right. I just have a hard time "letting go." It's like losing part of yourself, and I don't know how to deal with that.
    I keep fooling myself into thinking that "this time" will be different. That knowing I care about him will soften his heart. Except it doesn't. But after hearing him on the phone, I have to say that the memory of that will keep me from even trying for a long time; it's not something I'm going to forget. He literally texted me, "I'm going to murder u."

    I know that God can do a miracle in his life and that things could change. I know that; I believe that. But I also know that we may go to our deathbed never seeing him again and not even knowing where he is or what happened to him. It's so hard to deal with that possibility.

    How do I honor the sweet person he once was and enjoy those memories and at the same time distance myself from this person, who is toxic and dangerous? I haven't got that sorted out in my mind. It's like "all or nothing" thinking in my mind: Either I completely put him out of my mind and not remember the good times, or I remember them and put myself through the abuse as I keep trying to "find" that person inside him. I don't know if that makes any sense; I'm just rambling, trying to figure out what my thinking is and where I'm going wrong in my thinking.
  8. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    I echo what JayPee said:

    A Catholic friend of mine told me once that sometimes when we look at the world, it is like looking at beautiful tapestry - from underneath. We don't see the beautiful design, we just see a confused, criss-crossed jangle of threads without rhyme or reason. But G-d has a different perspective. He is the Weaver and He sees the beautiful pattern. Hard as it can be sometimes, we just have to hope and believe that there is a beautiful pattern and that Weaver knows what He is doing.

    It makes perfect sense. It is also heart-rending. We have photos of Oldest (see the most recent post on my thread) and Youngest and remember what sweet kids they were. The bad does not cancel the good. We can remember the good times, I think, without putting ourselves through abuse as we keep trying to "find" that person inside him. We won't put ourselves through abuse because we will stop trying to find that person inside him. We will wait for that person to find himself, to come to us of his own accord, or at least to come far enough and we will then go to meet him. Does this make sense?
  9. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more with what JP and 200 said.

    You can't.lose your son either. He will always be in your heart. And you can't know his future or yours.
  10. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Yes, I will continue to pray and to trust in God's control and timing. I definitely do not do it well though. I let fear overtake me and anxious thoughts multiply.

    Yes, it does. I like what you said when you said, "The bad doesn't cancel out the good." I will keep that in the forefront of my mind to remember. I also liked what you said about waiting for the person to find himself and come of his own accord. I can't force him to do that or to want his dad and I in his life and I need to quit trying to do that.

    Thank you all again. Writing my thoughts and feelings and hearing the feedback I get really helps to untangle things a bit and helps me to move forward just a bit more. God bless you all and hugs to you all. May God bring comfort, courage, and refreshment to each person reading this today.
  11. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    There's a classic hasidic story that I think about.

    A king and queen had a son whom they loved very much and whom they were very close to when he was young. But as the son grew older, he grew apart from his parents and gradually became distant and even estranged from them. Eventually he & his parents were totally estranged. But the King & Queen still loved their son very much and longed to be with him again, and hoped that somewhere, deep down, he still loved them. One day they sent him a message and bid him come back. The son may have wanted to but he sent his parents a message and said, "I cannot return to you; we have become too estranged." The King and Queen replied, "Then come as far as you can and we shall come to meet you."

    One of our old therapists told us that. It took me a while to internalize it but now I get it.
  12. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    If I might add, without getting too biblical here, is that take a look at some of the apostles. I believe Saul aka Peter. He was not a very good person for a very, very long time. God worked miracles in him for certain.

    If He can do it for him, why not our children?

    In addition, I would take it one day at a time. Don't try to think about managing your feeling for days, months etc. Take it just 10 min. at a time, if necessary, and before you know it you will have built up your stamina.
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  13. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    200Meters-It will take me a while to internalize that too but I need to do just that. I have a lot of really good memories of Josh from infancy to college, but it's hard to enjoy them right now.

    JayPee--yes, breaking things down to small increments, even as small as a few minutes at at time, is a good approach. When I think about weeks, months, years, it's too much, and as others have reminded me, I have no idea what will happen in the future so I need to stop thinking that way. Fortunately, I have interests and responsibilities that keep me busy and allow me to turn my focus away from the problem for a while.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Beta *My quote thing is not working. I wish it was.

    I agree with what the others have said.

    I believe you are causing the majority of your own heartache.

    Let me try to explain. Yesterday, I don't know where, I heard the following story/parable. I will try to reconstruct it here.

    There was a simple peasant, with a son. The son broke his leg. A neighbor said to the father, How very unfortunate and sad. The father answered, Who's to know? A few days later the army came by to forcibly conscript youth to serve in the Tsar's army. The son was not taken The neighbor told the peasant/further, How very fortunate and sad. The father answered, Who's to know?

    There is a series of events that befall the son, both good and bad. I wish I could remember them, to better illustrate the point. (Oh. I'm remembering now. I heard this on public radio. It was a talk by the late Ram Dass.) The point is that as humans we are not equipped to understanding the meaning and consequence of each event, good or bad, that comes our way in life. G-d is.

    You know this is a spiritual trial, what's happening with Josh.

    Over and over again you terrorize yourself with the "worst case" scenario. You know in your heart that you have no control over any of this, and yet you try to control it. Since I have been reading your posts I can't remember one time that this has worked for you or for Josh.

    To your fear of whether Josh loves you, whether Josh will be okay, you know that the answer is in your own heart and in prayer. In my own experience, there is no other thing that works. Josh at this point in his life, can't reassure you. On the contrary, this seems to be triggering to him. I agree with what your husband said to you: "Please just honor what he wants right now, until he wants to change that." Yep, he's right. I just have a hard time "letting go." It's like losing part of yourself, and I don't know how to deal with that.

    Beta. I understand totally how it feels to feel you've lost part of yourself and your life. The most important part. Because this happened to me. The way I am understanding this now is that G-d has illuminated to me through my suffering the parts of myself that I need to shine light on and in this way shine light to others through my wounds. This is what we do here for each other and for ourselves.

    Beta. You are not alone. All of us are here with you and we share your pain, because we live it too. I honor you so much. Your openness and honesty. Your great love. Your commitment to your child. Your integrity. And your faith.

    PS I love 200Meter's Hassidic stories (I didn't read all of them yet. I will do so later. Again and again.
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
  15. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Copa, thank you. I'm at work presently but will return to the site later today and comment on what you've said. As usual, you have given me much to think about (and agree with).
  16. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I truly feel that this is the absolute truth! What you've quoted I feel is not just applicable to Beta and Josh but to myself and sons, yourself and your son, to all of us here on this forum.

    We cannot see behind the veil right now as to what's really transpiring but I do believe it is truly for the betterment of each of our souls and our children. It is the journey that must be had, so that each of us arrives at where we are supposed to be in life, even if our hearts ache over the circumstances right now. It is not always easy to keep my head wrapped around this when I'm in the moment of turmoil but my heart knows it's the truth when I can step away, pause and reflect on the big picture.

    It goes back to that saying, "we are getting what we "need" not necessarily what we "want".

    Thank you for sharing that post!
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  17. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I agree. I'm pretty certain my perspective is skewed in a lot of ways. Being a co-dependent person, I know I have some thought patterns and reactions that are not healthy.

    I have read the same parable! The gist of it is that someone experiences a series of events which, from the outside, appear to be negative, but when circumstances change or when they look at if from a different perspective, actually turn out to be fortuitous. The analogy of life circumstances being like the weaving of a beautiful cloth that, from the underside, does not appear to be beautiful or even make sense, but nevertheless is something God is creating is another example someone gave, and it's true.

    Yes, I absolutely know this to be true. First of all, the Bible speaks of a spiritual realm that is unseen to our eyes but that influences people to evil. I believe that Josh has made choices that have opened him up to that influence in his life. Secondly, the Bible speaks of our trials in life and says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, not lacking anything." I know that God is using this grief and heartache in my life for good. I have been forced to lean into God in a way I never would have otherwise, just to keep my head above water, so to speak. I know that He loves Josh and wants him to turn away from evil and turn to Him. My responsibility is to trust God and to hold Josh up in prayer continually. I just tend to add on some anxious, fearful thoughts and controlling behavior! :) And like you, I have seen things in myself that need to be dealt with, that this has illuminated to me.

    Thank you--this website means so much to me. Knowing that others are walking with me, shoulder to shoulder, as we all travel this painful path with our kids, takes some of the sting out of it. I thank God for leading me here. Blessings to you all.
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  18. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I read this recently and it really resonated with me. Kind of jolted me to a different level of understanding.

    Nothing we do that is motivated by fear is helpful or gets us where we need to be unless our survival is in immediate danger. Any decisions made solely due to fear are not helpful. Fear speeds our mind and body up so we are not calm or most rational. Fear causes panicky decisions.

    How many decisions did we make about Kay that were motivated by fear? We were afraid she would be homeless. We bought her a house. It made things worse. Etc. Etc.

    I thought about all that and decided that I believe it's true about fearful decisions. I am not going to make fearful decisions again. For me they only make things worse!!

  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree with all of your posts. I know that God brought me here too many years ago.

    It started the change in me and us that we needed to help our son.

    I was so confused and heartbroken when I came here. I was on my knees crying and begging for a sliver of hope.

    Since I have moved to the deep South and found the church that we attend and joined my women's group it has opened my eyes to others' pain. I see all of the women that I meet with every Monday that are all dealing with something horrific in their lives. They all look so normal and put together and then they may share their story and I am moved beyond words. I had no idea!

    We are all afraid but we stand together in strength and hope and pray for our loved ones and ourselves so we are better able to deal with everything that life deals us.
  20. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I agree with this; I just don't always believe it enough to actually reject fear and anxiety. I would like to grow in this area. To be free from the bondage of fear, something that has plague me my entire life. This is an aspect of who I am that God is still dealing with.

    "There is no fear in love; perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." I John 4:18 "For God gave us a spirit, not of fear, but of power, love, and self-control." II Timothy 1:7
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