Three Years Later...an update

[Beta]

Hi, some of you may remember me but if not I will go over our circumstances: We have an adult son, Josh, 33 yo, adopted, biracial son, living in Phoenix, Az currently. He moved there in June of 2020. We have been dealing with mental health issues from him for about the last ten years or son, having not realized initially that it was mental health issues. Possibly bipolar? He has never been diagnosed. We only think this because of something his birth mother told me in a conversation about her own issues. Last year, in March, he called and confessed he had gotten hooked on fentenyl, which is epidemic in Phoenix. He was terrified he had overdosed. Long story short, we had him checked out at a hospital by ordering an Uber online. The next day, my husband flew out there, got him into a methadone treatment, and then the two of them drove back across the country to Georgia, where we live. He was on methadone for a couple of months, weaned off of it and worked a couple of temp jobs while staying with us. After four months, he insisted he wanted to return to Phoenix because he missed his job there. We begged him not to go. I knew he would probably relapse because he minimized his experience of nearly overdosing and insisted we were overreacting. So he left last June.

Fast forward to the last two months: He got involved with a prostitute, becoming obsessed with her and convinced she was the love of his life, when she only was interested in milking him for money. He has lost his car, after putting it up with a title loan company (possibly something related to her). He is now on the streets, back on fentanyl, and we no longer have contact with him because his phone has either broken or he is using an app that allows him to gain a new number when he doesn't want to be contacted. His last text messages to me were three weeks ago and they were abusive and hateful.

We have contacted a couple of people that know him and they are keeping an eye out to see if they can find him. The police made contact with him on Monday of this week while he was hanging out at a bus stop. He was offered information about getting treatment and he refused it and refused to have them contact family. He ended up just walking away. The police officer called to let me know they had seen him and he is alive.

So the thing I have feared most these last six years or so has finally happened: We don't know where he is and we have no way of finding him or contacting him. The only thing left to us is prayer, and we are doing that constantly. Sometimes, this is seems so surreal and like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I have to compartmentalize this in my mind in order to get up each day and do the things I'm responsible for doing. The hardest time is at night as I'm lying in bed, trying to quiet my mind from the "what ifs" that might be happening to him. Those are the moments I want to scream, cry, and pound my fists into something. 33 years of loving and sacrificing for someone and then they are just gone from your life and you can't do a thing about it.

I feel so many emotions, swirling around within me. Facing the possibility that we may never see him or hear from him again and may never know what happened to him is incredibly painful to consider. Three years ago, when we lived in another state, I spent almost every day checking this site, and receiving the counsel and encouragement of many of you on this site, but when we moved here, I just felt the need to take a break, hoping I would not need it again, but here I am. That's all I have to say right now. I just needed to tell someone what is going on. The people around us are nice and sympathetic, but they don't really understand because they either have school-age children or they have adult children with stable lives. Right now, I can't talk to them. They don't understand and I just can't do light chitchat conversations right now. I need people who understand the raw pain of this. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[Nomad]

I’m so sorry to read of the great emotional turmoil you are in.
Our adopted daughter around the same age wasn’t doing drugs, but her behaviors were so destructive that it caused horrible anguish for my husband and I. After a particularly bad experience , we found pulling back necessary. Very helpful for us and although things were very scary there for awhile, she seems to be doing better of late and without our intervention.
We went to a few mtgs of Families Anonymous (FA) and found it helpful. They have on line mtgs too.
He is 33 …perhaps the time has come for you to pull back. Consider what basic things you might be willing to provide like a cell phone, access to doctors appointments, perhaps rehab etc and seriously consider a different approach. One of minimal involvement. They have a weird way of landing on their feet for a long long time. Let him know what you are willing to provide when you speak to him next, and that you love him ….but move on. Especially emotionally. Detach. Much is up to him. It’s his life. Nurture your relationship with your husband. Explore the things you like to do. Again…seek support from FA or a group like it. Perhaps private counseling for yourself at least for the short term. Stay strong. Wishing you well.

 

[Crayola13]

Homeless in Phoenix—not exactly a cold, freezing climate. He won’t freeze. If he gets too hot from staying out in the heat, it will be his choice because he could go to a shelter. Also, many cities supply water for the homeless by bringing in Water Angels and Lost Sheep Ministries.

 

[MissLulu]

Beta, I remember you and your son. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It is a fate I have feared many times. I don't know what else to say other than you are in my thoughts, and I very much understand how difficult this is to talk about with those who haven't "been there".
I hope we can help you to find peace and comfort no matter how the situation evolves.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Hi Beta,

I remember you. I have also recently returned due to my son's choices and behavior. I completely understand having to compartmentalize your life in order to function. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes I walk around in a devastated fog. I speak to no one about it other than one close family member and my spouse. it's just too painful and I do not want anyone's pity. It would only make me feel worse and I certainly do not need that. As others have stated, Phoenix has a warm climate. Right now, it's about staying cool and hydrated. Please take care of yourself.

Sending you a gentle and understanding hug.

 

[Deni D]

Hi Beta, I also remember you from a couple of years ago. I get it with the compartmentalizing. I think we need to finally learn to do it for our sanity sake. I could not understand how people could do it in the past but then with enough chaos I finally developed the ability. I'm not going through what you are and I'm so sad for you for these current circumstances. I pray he will reach a point where enough is enough for him and seek help.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Beta. I remember you too. I would have responded sooner but I was off the site 6 months or so because I was locked out.

My son J is 34. He is homeless in California. My son's mental health issues emerged about 12 years or so. It may be bipolar, too. He self medicates.

I hope you soon find respite from your suffering. That is what needs to happen now. I pray that your son finds his way to get help. I pray the same for my own son.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Beta,
I have been gone for awhile too, needed a break and time to sort through emotions and process events. I have been trying to avoid overwhelm, but it often taunts me. Sometimes I just really need a good cry.
I’m so sorry for all the pain you have experienced and the most recent blow of your son going off the radar. It is a difficult thing to endure. I remember feeling especially sad when my workmates would speak about their kids going off to college and whatnot. I was happy their kids were doing well, but I was just so consumed by my twos chosen lifestyle and on again off again disappearance. I felt lonely in a room full of workmates and extremely out of place.
Not much has changed for my two as far as their choices and street life. I have had to compartmentalize as well, to be able to carry on the day to day. Prayer helps me too. It is still hard and I am so sorry for your distress. I am glad that you came back to share what you are going through. I think it helps to write things out and have folks who understand and respond with kindness and gentle advice. Writing here is a purging for me and also a reminder of the work I still need to do. Although I work really hard to build myself up and give my two to God in prayer, there are many moments where the old circular thinking and feelings prevail and I have to just-stop. It’s too much and no way to live. My daughter Tornado many months back on a rare visit told me that I just had to accept her and her sisters addiction and lifestyle. I told her that I have my own processing that I need to work through, because the years have worn me down. It is akin to living a slow, painful emotional death, focusing on the what ifs and not knowing their whereabouts. I explained to her that I loved her deeply, and her sister, but I had to give them both to God, because it is too much for me to bare. I hope you find some respite and time to breath. Are you able to take off of work for some down time? Whatever you can do to help you through this hard time, please do what you need for yourself. It’s so important, the stress of what we deal with can be so debilitating. Take time to process the grief and take good care of yourself.
Many hugs,
New Leaf

 

[JayPee]

Hi Beta, I remember you as well. I'm not on the site too often. Some slight progress made with one son but the 34 yr. old is still a big problem. I'm currently pulling away financially "again". He's drained me so much. It's now going to "get ugly" as it always does. I hope someday things are different for you and for me. In the meantime I pray for you and your son's safety and well-being.

 

[Tiredof33]

I feel your pain. I had left the forum for years due to so many life issues.
Taking care of my elderly mother, sis died from cancer, another from COVID, my daughter's bad health. My age and health. It's exhausting.
My son thinks the money supply is unlimited. His lies exhaust me. His pity parties exhaust me.
He's no contact with me and also in another state. I need the break. There is absolutely nothing we can do. It's something no one should have to go through.
When I joined the forum he was 33, out of contol with an addict girlfriend, she committed suicide. He is now 44 and so immature.
It's heartbreaking to have our children. My son's problems are mostly self created. It doesn't make easier though. Take care of yourself. I have a lot of hobbies, lately they include eating too much, lol.
(((hugs)))

 

[200Meters]

Hi Beta

Good luck. You & Josh will be in my prayers.

They've got to come right sooner or later, I hope.

200Meters

 

[Beta]

Hi Beta

Good luck. You & Josh will be in my prayers.

They've got to come right sooner or later, I hope.

200Meters

Thanks, 200Meters. I remember you from several years ago.

 

[Beta]

I feel your pain. I had left the forum for years due to so many life issues.
Taking care of my elderly mother, sis died from cancer, another from COVID, my daughter's bad health. My age and health. It's exhausting.
My son thinks the money supply is unlimited. His lies exhaust me. His pity parties exhaust me.
He's no contact with me and also in another state. I need the break. There is absolutely nothing we can do. It's something no one should have to go through.
When I joined the forum he was 33, out of contol with an addict girlfriend, she committed suicide. He is now 44 and so immature.
It's heartbreaking to have our children. My son's problems are mostly self created. It doesn't make easier though. Take care of yourself. I have a lot of hobbies, lately they include eating too much, lol.
(((hugs)))

Thank you Tiredof33. I'm sorry you're going through this ordeal we all seem to be experiencing. It's so good to have the insight and support of others, isn't it?

 

[MrsO]

Hello all- just discovered this thread. Have a smart 25 year old daughter that was extremely loved, supported and surrounded with every opportunity growing up but is now homeless and headstrong in her situation of bad choices. I know there must be mental health conditions emerging. Trying to learn from your posts so we don’t spend the rest of our lives suffering from heartbreak as we are now.

 

[Nandina]

Hi MrsO and welcome.

I suggest maybe starting your own thread to tell us a little more about your daughter. You will probably get more responses that way. I’m glad you found us.

We all ”get it.” There are many among us here who have been dealing with adult children like your daughter for too many years. The advice and wisdom they bring to this forum is substantial and helps us know we’re not alone.

I hope you’ll continue to read and post here. It definitely helps.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Beta, I feel your pain. My son was only homeless for 2 nights, but when you talk about lying in bed thinking about him, and the what-ifs, I know exactly what you mean. My heart breaks for you. Others here have offered advice. I offer air-hugs. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Beta]

Oh, Beta, I feel your pain. My son was only homeless for 2 nights, but when you talk about lying in bed thinking about him, and the what-ifs, I know exactly what you mean. My heart breaks for you. Others here have offered advice. I offer air-hugs. Please take care of yourself.

Just saw your post TerryJ2. Thank you for your thoughts and your air-hug. I never imagined we would be in this situation, but here we are. Anyway, we take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I wish you peace and joy this Christmas morning.

 

[JMom]

Dear Beta,

The not knowing is the hardest part. I am sending a virtual hug and a warm cup of relaxing tea. Put your bare feet up, sip the tea, and enjoy your peaceful moment. Take a warm shower and use bath soap with a beautiful fragrance. Moisturize your face and put lotion on your hands. Weather permitting, walk barefoot outside. Reconnect to something apart from this struggle. This is merely a suggestion that worked for me. It helps to do something that takes a present mind. We would love to keep chatting with you. Hugs!!

 

[Beta]

Dear Beta,

The not knowing is the hardest part. I am sending a virtual hug and a warm cup of relaxing tea. Put your bare feet up, sip the tea, and enjoy your peaceful moment. Take a warm shower and use bath soap with a beautiful fragrance. Moisturize your face and put lotion on your hands. Weather permitting, walk barefoot outside. Reconnect to something apart from this struggle. This is merely a suggestion that worked for me. It helps to do something that takes a present mind. We would love to keep chatting with you. Hugs!!

Thank you JMom. I do try to focus on self-care. It's so easy to let those things slide and just focus constantly on your child. I'm sure all of us have those moments where we're doing something fun or pleasant and we feel a twinge of guilt for enjoying ourselves. I have to reject that at odd moments throughout each day. I'll be cooking something, and I'll think, "I wish Josh were here to enjoy this good food." Or I'll be doing something fun that makes me laugh, and I feel guilty because I know his life is nothing to laugh about. I have to tell myself that making my life miserable all the time does not make his life better. I also believe that living the life God has called me is the responsible, God-honoring thing to do, so I keep going.