Hurts so much

[New Leaf]

Hi Ithurtz,
Please don’t beat yourself up, you have been in a battleground trying to help your son.

OMG. I recall when I was transporting him to the hotel where he was going to stay about 2 weeks ago ( last time I saw him ), I recall seeing in his backpack as he searched for his drivers license, a mason jar. I thought that was odd because it looked like white balls wrapped in plastic in the jar.

I have no idea what that could be either, because I am not familiar with substances. I found a glass pipe in my daughters drawer many years ago, which I thought was used for pot. Turns out it was a meth pipe. I felt like an idiot. I also would find small plastic jewelry bags here and there. I started to read up on drugs and paraphernalia to educate myself.

How could I be so dumb not to know that was probably meth crystals. ^&#^(##&*@ How I just cannot believe it.

You are not dumb, who knows what it was? How could you, if you are not familiar with drugs and the different forms? We love our kids and want the best for them, want to believe them. Unfortunately addicted adult kids will use that love to twist things around to keep us engaged and enabling.

What else would he have a mason jar. I just believed him saying all he does is pot and alcohol.

My daughters said the same. “Just pot”. They are addicts and addicts are master manipulators. They know how to tug at our heartstrings and want to protect their ability to use whatever drug they are hooked on. We are the gullible parents who love them and want to believe that they would not go so far off the deep end. It got to the point in my home years ago while my two were living with late hubs and I that we would lock our wallets in our cars. Money and items would go missing and it “wasn’t me” was what we heard. It was them, living with us, riding the proverbial gravy train for as long as they could. We were lied to, stolen from, what went “missing” was probably pawned off for drugs. Looking back, the worst of it was the time that was stolen from us. We desperately tried to help them, they didn’t want help getting off drugs and on their feet, they wanted to continue to use drugs, our resources and ultimately us, while in our home.

This explains he totally delusional behavior no doubt. What to do now? I know there is little I can do if he does not answer or cares.

There is little you can do for your son. He has to realize what he is doing to himself. We have no control over our adult kids choices. What we can do, is educate ourselves so that we are not duped and manipulated to the point where we enable them. What we can do, after the initial shock and grief, is find ways to get back up on our feet and work at strengthening ourselves. I know you are suffering Ithurtz. I am so sorry for the pain of it. Give yourself time to process and grieve. Then find the helpers for you. We become so embroiled with what our waywards are doing, that we forget about ourselves. It feels foreign to focus on self care but it is imperative in any situation, especially this one.
We can’t work through anything if we don’t love ourselves.
Take care
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I am beginning to think he has the Marijuana Psychosis syndrome

I had hoped this was the case with my son. Why? Because it was more bearable for me to believe there was an extrinsic cause that if stopped would magically resolve my son's craziness.

I have read that ceasing the Marijuana use then let’s the psychosis diminishes and the delusions go away.

This was my hope. I wanted to blame the drug.

I don't believe this anymore. I have faced that my son likely has bipolar I or schizophrenia and that he self-medicates. By facing that head on I have diffused the fear of the worst case. Instead of berating my son to abstain, I urge him to get treatment for mental illness. (Neither one nor the other has happened but I am saner. At least I hope so.)

It is okay to set a boundary on a crazy person. Why? Because there are remedies. Why? Because they are responsible to seek them, whether they do or not. Why? Because our sanity is worth it. It is not worth less than our children.

From my readings on marijuana psychosis what happens is the drug triggers latent psychosis. So. It is a chicken/egg situation.

Bottom line: Psychosis is treatable.

There was some latent vulnerability in my son. It was not only a lifestyle choice. It was there. If I can face that, I have a greater potential to find compassion for him, and to find strength in myself. It is not their fault. But it is their responsibility.

When I get fuzzy about boundaries, I confuse my son. He needs to know he is responsible. Not me. Responsibility is not the same as culpability. If I stay focused on the drug, I am blaming.

Boundaries aren't just for us. They're for our sons. By boundaries they are able to know what is them and what is us. Knowing this they have the potential to choose differently.

Much of my suffering came because I was confused who was who. I have no role or responsibility in choosing for my son. I can do so for myself. Only that.

If you are drinking heavily, you are probably taking on responsibility that is not yours to bear. You can choose to stop taking on misery that is not yours. I did.

Ask any long timer here. I was a wreck. I changed by boundaries. I am free now. I can live my life based on my own conduct, dreams, hopes. I can be happy. Content. Hopeful.

My son is a separate person from me. My life is separate from his drama. Yours is too. We are not responsible for their lives. They are.

Guilt is insidious, fruitless, and beside the point. Stop this. This is a drama queen behavior. Get a grip.
Every parent makes mistakes. You can do this.

 

[Copabanana]

I read again. There is meth involved. OK. Meth psychosis is a different beast. I only know that Meth psychosis lasts a long time.
I put myself through college working as a waitress. Other waitresses used Meth. College students used "uppers" to study. I took other crazy stuff, too. A little bit. A few times. It was normalized. Once I slept 3 days straight. G-d knows what wised me up. People learn through their errors. I learned a lot because I made a lot of mistakes. Eventually I became smarter. Because I chose to live differently and have a good life not a bad life. It is really that simple, I believe.

Part of this journey is faith. And trust. Trust that our children can and may decide to live well. I did it. You did it. But there is not one thing we can do to help them do this. Except through boundaries, and love. All I can do is love my son and keep my side of the street clean. That is a lot.

 

[Worndown68]

Thank You! Your response to Ithurtz was really a timely reminder to me after another sleepless night so thank you. I was getting back into the saying, “you can only be as happy as your least happy child”. I don’t know where on earth I heard that but it seems to be true for me.
I am lucky that I don’t like alcohol and was never offered drugs, I think being a young divorced mum of 2 kept me away from social interaction where drugs could have been involved. I understand the very real desire to find something that might take away my pain I really do. I have to wait for these days of deep sadness to just pass, for awhile anyway.
Sending love and virtual hugs to anyone who reads this who has been dealt a similar hand.

 

[Ithurtz]

Thank all of you for commenting. It helps me so much to read your thoughts, opinions, and advice. I am getting better at detachment and while I do drink, I am moderately using it as a sedative.
I took a chance and texted him, asking what is that white substance he had in the jar. He responded that they are protein powder. He said he doesn’t know what I am accusing him of, even thought my only words were asking hi what the substance was. He said it’s none of my business and don’t bother him as he needs to catch up on sleep. Copa, You seem to indicate meth makes one sleep more? Feeling better today.

A

 

[Copabanana]

Copa, You seem to indicate meth makes one sleep more?

No. I believe it is the reverse. You stay up and don't get tired. That is why we took those amphetamine pills which were infinitely milder than meth. That is why they're called uppers. You stay up. Your body finally crashes because overriding your mind. That is when sleep comes. Glad you're feeling better.

 

[New Leaf]

It’s the crash and burn after using meth that makes addicts sleep. Heavy meth users who go on binges will stay up for a couple of days. When they come down, they sleep for long periods.

 

[Beta]

Found this website about a month ago. It has certainly helped knowing a great many of you out there have or are experiencing this tragic dilemma of a wayward adult child. I most need help with detachment now, as it hurts so much to witness my 30 year old son go haywire.

He began using Marijuana in High School, and ended up dropping out of college in his junior year as he was not even going to classes. Over the past 10 years he has gone through 3 separate rehabs, the first for 3 months, the second for three weeks, and the third for 6 weeks. He came out of each getting back to working ( Uber and Food Delivery ) and renting a room, paying all his bills. I've always remained in communication with him during all this time. He wouldn't talk to his mother ( who I am divorced from ) and he constantly blamed us for all his issues, mostly her, but me also for letting him live with her. Which was his choice as he moved to her place in his HS sophomore year because she was liberal about him smoking weed.

Last fall his landlord sold the townhouse and he moved back in with his mother, now talking to her again. Beginning this spring, he began to talk to me about being under stress. He starting telling me about his prowess in the stock market where he has built a 5 figure portfolio. He quit his job, smoking more weed and drinking heavily, and about the beginning of June he just blew up at me and most relatives. Horrible name calling, accusations, cursing, endless texts, to the point I had to block his texts. He then notified me I was blocked. This went on for about 6 weeks, then he showed up begin released from a 72 hour psychiatric evaluation nearby. His mom let him back in, and that lasted for about 5 days. Another fight and she kicked him out. He has been wandering since, to different hotels. I learned that he has 'lent' his car to a friend, which he didn't seemed worried about. It has shown up in an auto pound after 20 days.

I am open to talking with him, but he constantly raises his voice at me, says he is my boss. I don't give him any money. He is delusional now, telling me he has 'secret' work. He tells me he is a 'stoner', likes to drink alcohol, and gamble. Seems his stock market is keeping him afloat now.

I have texted and talked with him in the past few days, telling him I don't agree with his life style, and that I can offer emotional support and advice if he asks. He responds that he is heading off and I may not hear from him for a long while. Never had suicidal nor violent behavior, so I must somehow let him go. Just hurts so much as he is a smart kid, good looking, but just on his own mission. I believe also with all his crazy texting to relatives, he has been written out of sizable inheritances.

I have followed many of the postings. Many sad stories and I sense all the pain and despair. I do find Copabanana writings very logical to follow. I am trying to listen to how she has 'detached' from her wayward son.

A

Ihurtz, I have been away from this forum for awhile but have read through all the posts on this thread. I'm sorry for what you're going through with your son. I have a 33 yo son living in the fentanyl capital of the world (Phoenix), homeless, without a phone and without an i.d. I am currently trying to learn to deal with the trauma this has inflicted on me. It's a long process and a lot of work. Be kind to yourself and care for yourself.

 

[Beta]

Hi Ithurtz,
I have often said that living with the reality and sadness of having addicted adult children is like grieving for someone who is still alive. In that respect it helps to understand the stages of grief, to deeply examine our own feelings and seek help when needed.

My youngest, 22, started smoking pot in college. He became sullen and angry when sober. Fortunately, he stopped and is getting better. What I meant in addition to the possibility that other drugs can come into the picture, is that dealers mix stuff into pot, kids are vaping a much more concentrated form of it, and growers have developed potent plants with more thc. All of this is a combination for trouble.

Even if you did ask him, he is most likely to deny it. Even if it is “just pot” the crux of the issue is that he is not functioning normally. I hope that your ex is able to heed your warnings, and seeks help for herself. That is up to her to decide. We are all at different places in learning how to cope with our waywards’ addictions and behaviors. It can take time and a great deal of trial and error, processing the grief before one is able to come to grips that we have no control over what our adult children choose in life. When those choices cause chaos in our lives, we have to take action, but oftentimes it takes time to figure out how to switch from desperately trying to help our adult kids, to realizing how effected we are, to actually taking steps to protect ourselves.

Oh gosh, I know how this feels. My workmates used to talk about their adult kids and the successes they had, while I was happy for them, I also felt isolated. Sad. I was extremely enmeshed in my waywards lives at one point. It was akin to a double drowning, they were drowning in drugs and chaos and I was going down the rabbit hole with them, I was so disheartened and desperate.
After years of trying to “help” them, and living in the chaos, I put my foot down and would no longer house them. That set me on a path of feeling incredibly guilty and sad, envisioning the worst case scenarios. Each encounter brought me to the edge of the rabbit hole, until I realized I couldn’t go there anymore. I was so focused on what my two were doing, throwing their lives away, that I forgot about my own life, my well kids. That’s no way to live.

I don’t believe it either, everything has side effects. Our bodies are incredible at healing, but when we continue to self inflict illness, something has to give. Everyone is different, some are able to smoke pot and function, others not so much. I’m hoping my son is able to stay away from it, I don’t need three wayward adult kids.

I used to dread this as well. But, that all goes with choices and consequences. Late hubs and I worked really hard to give our kids a decent upbringing. Made many mistakes along the way, but did our best. We sure didn’t raise our kids to live the way our two waywards do, and sure didn’t think either of them would do jail time. My Tornado has been in and out of jail for 6 years now. All on probation violations for getting caught riding a stolen moped (which she swears she didn’t know was stolen). Sorry if I am repeating myself about jail, but I am relieved when she is there- at least I know where she is. That attests to the ever evolving circumstances of addicted loved ones.
When I realized that years of focusing on my two, grieving their choices did nothing to change their outcome, and took a horrible toll on my own life, I knew I had to change. I am still working hard at it.
Switching focus is difficult because we spent so many years intensely focused on our kids while they were growing up, trying to steer them on the right path. It’s hard to let go, especially when we see them on such a downward slide.
Keep working on the boundaries you have set for your son. That is the first step. I think the biggest and hardest and longest step is retraining ourselves to set boundaries on our own reactions to our kids choices. Refocusing our energy to self care and finding ways to work through the pain is hard work. What we wish most for our wayward adult kids is that they find their true potential and get on a path towards self love. I think that when we focus on that for ourselves we become a living example for them. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. Keep working at lifting yourself up, that is something you can control. You have already begun by setting boundaries for your son.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

New Leaf, your comments have so much insight and wisdom and I was helped by them. Thank you.

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf, your comments have so much insight and wisdom and I was helped by them. Thank you.

Hi Beta, thank you so much for your kindness. I can’t count how I much I have been helped here on CD. It’s been such a blessing to be able to share with folks who are going through similar trials.
Leaf

 

[Ithurtz]

Talked briefly with my-ex, his mother. She said he stored that jar of white whatever in the frig. She said he hung around for a few days, was delusional, got his car fixed, and then left in his car. She doesn’t know where he went and I haven’t heard from him, nor from any police. I still worry so much, but am learning to occupy my time better. Luckily I volunteer time with two different agencies and that is consuming my thoughts and time. Volunteering is good. Lucky to be retired.

A

 

[Ithurtz]

Well lo and behold. My son has seemingly returned to reality. I was beginning to feel comfortable with detachment. After I had not heard from him for about 10 days, he contacted me by phone. Told me that he had been staying in hotels over those days, spending time at casinos and smoking weed. He said that is definitely not meth in that jar, but some type of Marijuana that he uses to load his own vapes. He slowly admitted he was sort of out of it and says he will explain all someday. I met him once for lunch last week and he seems back to how he has behaved normally before. He told me he actually started working again at his food delivery jobs and he is beginning to look for other work. He doesn’t want to dig into all his bizarre behavior for the past 3 months. I asked him if he is seeing a therapist and he said yes, but doesn’t want to go on any medication. He says he will continue M. Now I do hope He can explain his delusional, derogatory, and obscene behavior as most family members have blocked him or detached and I would hope he wants to express some regret or sorrow about that so they are available to him in the future. And is it possible he could do this again.

A

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Ithurtz,
My two display similar behavior as far as disappearing, then reappearing. It’s a hard rollercoaster to be on, these are our grown children, and we want them to have decent lives. Drug use and bizarre behaviors, that’s a difficult reality to live with.

My son has seemingly returned to reality. I was beginning to feel comfortable with detachment

It’s baffling how well timed my daughters coming back into our lives is, however brief, it starts a whole new challenge for me to adjust and reevaluate my reaction. When I was deep into the horror of their lifestyle, I would be affected in every way from contact with them.

He said that is definitely not meth in that jar, but some type of Marijuana that he uses to load his own vapes.

It’s hard to discern what the truth actually is. My two swore up and down for a long time that “all they did was pot”, when they were deep into harder substances. I don’t know much about vaping, but think it is usually in liquid form. What the reality is, is that whatever your son is using, it has changed his behavior drastically to the point where friends and family have cut him off.

He told me he actually started working again at his food delivery jobs and he is beginning to look for other work.

That’s a good thing. Hopefully he will follow through.

I asked him if he is seeing a therapist and he said yes, but doesn’t want to go on any medication. He says he will continue M.

I hope he continues with therapy and eventually recovery. The problem with marijuana nowadays is that it is far more potent than before.

Now I do hope He can explain his delusional, derogatory, and obscene behavior as most family members have blocked him or detached and I would hope he wants to express some regret or sorrow about that so they are available to him in the future.

We may not ever get an explanation. I think regret and apologies comes with sobriety, or attempts at it. In sober moments my daughter has apologized, but unfortunately relapsed and disappeared off the radar again and back to using. This is why it is so important for us as parents to work at strengthening ourselves. It is not a linear process dealing with addicted, substance using loved ones. Detachment for me has meant that I have to remove myself from my emotional knee jerk reactions to the good and bad. I still have hope that one day my daughters will wake up, but I can’t base my living well on that outcome. That’s not living.

And is it possible he could do this again.

Anything is possible with unpredictable behaviors and active addiction. That’s why it’s so important for us to work on ourselves, we have no control over what our adult children choose. It’s too stressful and unhealthy to stay on the rollercoaster with them. They will do what they do, no matter what we say or how badly we feel. Detachment doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we have to go no contact (although I have done that based on my health). Detachment means that we learn to live our lives and find peace within. For me, that’s a constant goal to work at.
I hope that your son is better and that you continue to work on strategies that help you cope with whatever challenges may arise.
Please take good care of yourself.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf