Hurts so much

[New Leaf]

Hi Ithurtz,
Please don’t beat yourself up, you have been in a battleground trying to help your son.

OMG. I recall when I was transporting him to the hotel where he was going to stay about 2 weeks ago ( last time I saw him ), I recall seeing in his backpack as he searched for his drivers license, a mason jar. I thought that was odd because it looked like white balls wrapped in plastic in the jar.

I have no idea what that could be either, because I am not familiar with substances. I found a glass pipe in my daughters drawer many years ago, which I thought was used for pot. Turns out it was a meth pipe. I felt like an idiot. I also would find small plastic jewelry bags here and there. I started to read up on drugs and paraphernalia to educate myself.

How could I be so dumb not to know that was probably meth crystals. ^&#^(##&*@ How I just cannot believe it.

You are not dumb, who knows what it was? How could you, if you are not familiar with drugs and the different forms? We love our kids and want the best for them, want to believe them. Unfortunately addicted adult kids will use that love to twist things around to keep us engaged and enabling.

What else would he have a mason jar. I just believed him saying all he does is pot and alcohol.

My daughters said the same. “Just pot”. They are addicts and addicts are master manipulators. They know how to tug at our heartstrings and want to protect their ability to use whatever drug they are hooked on. We are the gullible parents who love them and want to believe that they would not go so far off the deep end. It got to the point in my home years ago while my two were living with late hubs and I that we would lock our wallets in our cars. Money and items would go missing and it “wasn’t me” was what we heard. It was them, living with us, riding the proverbial gravy train for as long as they could. We were lied to, stolen from, what went “missing” was probably pawned off for drugs. Looking back, the worst of it was the time that was stolen from us. We desperately tried to help them, they didn’t want help getting off drugs and on their feet, they wanted to continue to use drugs, our resources and ultimately us, while in our home.

This explains he totally delusional behavior no doubt. What to do now? I know there is little I can do if he does not answer or cares.

There is little you can do for your son. He has to realize what he is doing to himself. We have no control over our adult kids choices. What we can do, is educate ourselves so that we are not duped and manipulated to the point where we enable them. What we can do, after the initial shock and grief, is find ways to get back up on our feet and work at strengthening ourselves. I know you are suffering Ithurtz. I am so sorry for the pain of it. Give yourself time to process and grieve. Then find the helpers for you. We become so embroiled with what our waywards are doing, that we forget about ourselves. It feels foreign to focus on self care but it is imperative in any situation, especially this one.
We can’t work through anything if we don’t love ourselves.
Take care
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I am beginning to think he has the Marijuana Psychosis syndrome

I had hoped this was the case with my son. Why? Because it was more bearable for me to believe there was an extrinsic cause that if stopped would magically resolve my son's craziness.

I have read that ceasing the Marijuana use then let’s the psychosis diminishes and the delusions go away.

This was my hope. I wanted to blame the drug.

I don't believe this anymore. I have faced that my son likely has bipolar I or schizophrenia and that he self-medicates. By facing that head on I have diffused the fear of the worst case. Instead of berating my son to abstain, I urge him to get treatment for mental illness. (Neither one nor the other has happened but I am saner. At least I hope so.)

It is okay to set a boundary on a crazy person. Why? Because there are remedies. Why? Because they are responsible to seek them, whether they do or not. Why? Because our sanity is worth it. It is not worth less than our children.

From my readings on marijuana psychosis what happens is the drug triggers latent psychosis. So. It is a chicken/egg situation.

Bottom line: Psychosis is treatable.

There was some latent vulnerability in my son. It was not only a lifestyle choice. It was there. If I can face that, I have a greater potential to find compassion for him, and to find strength in myself. It is not their fault. But it is their responsibility.

When I get fuzzy about boundaries, I confuse my son. He needs to know he is responsible. Not me. Responsibility is not the same as culpability. If I stay focused on the drug, I am blaming.

Boundaries aren't just for us. They're for our sons. By boundaries they are able to know what is them and what is us. Knowing this they have the potential to choose differently.

Much of my suffering came because I was confused who was who. I have no role or responsibility in choosing for my son. I can do so for myself. Only that.

If you are drinking heavily, you are probably taking on responsibility that is not yours to bear. You can choose to stop taking on misery that is not yours. I did.

Ask any long timer here. I was a wreck. I changed by boundaries. I am free now. I can live my life based on my own conduct, dreams, hopes. I can be happy. Content. Hopeful.

My son is a separate person from me. My life is separate from his drama. Yours is too. We are not responsible for their lives. They are.

Guilt is insidious, fruitless, and beside the point. Stop this. This is a drama queen behavior. Get a grip.
Every parent makes mistakes. You can do this.

 

[Copabanana]

I read again. There is meth involved. OK. Meth psychosis is a different beast. I only know that Meth psychosis lasts a long time.
I put myself through college working as a waitress. Other waitresses used Meth. College students used "uppers" to study. I took other crazy stuff, too. A little bit. A few times. It was normalized. Once I slept 3 days straight. G-d knows what wised me up. People learn through their errors. I learned a lot because I made a lot of mistakes. Eventually I became smarter. Because I chose to live differently and have a good life not a bad life. It is really that simple, I believe.

Part of this journey is faith. And trust. Trust that our children can and may decide to live well. I did it. You did it. But there is not one thing we can do to help them do this. Except through boundaries, and love. All I can do is love my son and keep my side of the street clean. That is a lot.

 

[Worndown68]

Thank You! Your response to Ithurtz was really a timely reminder to me after another sleepless night so thank you. I was getting back into the saying, “you can only be as happy as your least happy child”. I don’t know where on earth I heard that but it seems to be true for me.
I am lucky that I don’t like alcohol and was never offered drugs, I think being a young divorced mum of 2 kept me away from social interaction where drugs could have been involved. I understand the very real desire to find something that might take away my pain I really do. I have to wait for these days of deep sadness to just pass, for awhile anyway.
Sending love and virtual hugs to anyone who reads this who has been dealt a similar hand.

 

[Ithurtz]

Thank all of you for commenting. It helps me so much to read your thoughts, opinions, and advice. I am getting better at detachment and while I do drink, I am moderately using it as a sedative.
I took a chance and texted him, asking what is that white substance he had in the jar. He responded that they are protein powder. He said he doesn’t know what I am accusing him of, even thought my only words were asking hi what the substance was. He said it’s none of my business and don’t bother him as he needs to catch up on sleep. Copa, You seem to indicate meth makes one sleep more? Feeling better today.

A

 

[Copabanana]

Copa, You seem to indicate meth makes one sleep more?

No. I believe it is the reverse. You stay up and don't get tired. That is why we took those amphetamine pills which were infinitely milder than meth. That is why they're called uppers. You stay up. Your body finally crashes because overriding your mind. That is when sleep comes. Glad you're feeling better.

 

[New Leaf]

It’s the crash and burn after using meth that makes addicts sleep. Heavy meth users who go on binges will stay up for a couple of days. When they come down, they sleep for long periods.

 

[Beta]

Found this website about a month ago. It has certainly helped knowing a great many of you out there have or are experiencing this tragic dilemma of a wayward adult child. I most need help with detachment now, as it hurts so much to witness my 30 year old son go haywire.

He began using Marijuana in High School, and ended up dropping out of college in his junior year as he was not even going to classes. Over the past 10 years he has gone through 3 separate rehabs, the first for 3 months, the second for three weeks, and the third for 6 weeks. He came out of each getting back to working ( Uber and Food Delivery ) and renting a room, paying all his bills. I've always remained in communication with him during all this time. He wouldn't talk to his mother ( who I am divorced from ) and he constantly blamed us for all his issues, mostly her, but me also for letting him live with her. Which was his choice as he moved to her place in his HS sophomore year because she was liberal about him smoking weed.

Last fall his landlord sold the townhouse and he moved back in with his mother, now talking to her again. Beginning this spring, he began to talk to me about being under stress. He starting telling me about his prowess in the stock market where he has built a 5 figure portfolio. He quit his job, smoking more weed and drinking heavily, and about the beginning of June he just blew up at me and most relatives. Horrible name calling, accusations, cursing, endless texts, to the point I had to block his texts. He then notified me I was blocked. This went on for about 6 weeks, then he showed up begin released from a 72 hour psychiatric evaluation nearby. His mom let him back in, and that lasted for about 5 days. Another fight and she kicked him out. He has been wandering since, to different hotels. I learned that he has 'lent' his car to a friend, which he didn't seemed worried about. It has shown up in an auto pound after 20 days.

I am open to talking with him, but he constantly raises his voice at me, says he is my boss. I don't give him any money. He is delusional now, telling me he has 'secret' work. He tells me he is a 'stoner', likes to drink alcohol, and gamble. Seems his stock market is keeping him afloat now.

I have texted and talked with him in the past few days, telling him I don't agree with his life style, and that I can offer emotional support and advice if he asks. He responds that he is heading off and I may not hear from him for a long while. Never had suicidal nor violent behavior, so I must somehow let him go. Just hurts so much as he is a smart kid, good looking, but just on his own mission. I believe also with all his crazy texting to relatives, he has been written out of sizable inheritances.

I have followed many of the postings. Many sad stories and I sense all the pain and despair. I do find Copabanana writings very logical to follow. I am trying to listen to how she has 'detached' from her wayward son.

A

Ihurtz, I have been away from this forum for awhile but have read through all the posts on this thread. I'm sorry for what you're going through with your son. I have a 33 yo son living in the fentanyl capital of the world (Phoenix), homeless, without a phone and without an i.d. I am currently trying to learn to deal with the trauma this has inflicted on me. It's a long process and a lot of work. Be kind to yourself and care for yourself.

 

[Beta]

Hi Ithurtz,
I have often said that living with the reality and sadness of having addicted adult children is like grieving for someone who is still alive. In that respect it helps to understand the stages of grief, to deeply examine our own feelings and seek help when needed.

My youngest, 22, started smoking pot in college. He became sullen and angry when sober. Fortunately, he stopped and is getting better. What I meant in addition to the possibility that other drugs can come into the picture, is that dealers mix stuff into pot, kids are vaping a much more concentrated form of it, and growers have developed potent plants with more thc. All of this is a combination for trouble.

Even if you did ask him, he is most likely to deny it. Even if it is “just pot” the crux of the issue is that he is not functioning normally. I hope that your ex is able to heed your warnings, and seeks help for herself. That is up to her to decide. We are all at different places in learning how to cope with our waywards’ addictions and behaviors. It can take time and a great deal of trial and error, processing the grief before one is able to come to grips that we have no control over what our adult children choose in life. When those choices cause chaos in our lives, we have to take action, but oftentimes it takes time to figure out how to switch from desperately trying to help our adult kids, to realizing how effected we are, to actually taking steps to protect ourselves.

Oh gosh, I know how this feels. My workmates used to talk about their adult kids and the successes they had, while I was happy for them, I also felt isolated. Sad. I was extremely enmeshed in my waywards lives at one point. It was akin to a double drowning, they were drowning in drugs and chaos and I was going down the rabbit hole with them, I was so disheartened and desperate.
After years of trying to “help” them, and living in the chaos, I put my foot down and would no longer house them. That set me on a path of feeling incredibly guilty and sad, envisioning the worst case scenarios. Each encounter brought me to the edge of the rabbit hole, until I realized I couldn’t go there anymore. I was so focused on what my two were doing, throwing their lives away, that I forgot about my own life, my well kids. That’s no way to live.

I don’t believe it either, everything has side effects. Our bodies are incredible at healing, but when we continue to self inflict illness, something has to give. Everyone is different, some are able to smoke pot and function, others not so much. I’m hoping my son is able to stay away from it, I don’t need three wayward adult kids.

I used to dread this as well. But, that all goes with choices and consequences. Late hubs and I worked really hard to give our kids a decent upbringing. Made many mistakes along the way, but did our best. We sure didn’t raise our kids to live the way our two waywards do, and sure didn’t think either of them would do jail time. My Tornado has been in and out of jail for 6 years now. All on probation violations for getting caught riding a stolen moped (which she swears she didn’t know was stolen). Sorry if I am repeating myself about jail, but I am relieved when she is there- at least I know where she is. That attests to the ever evolving circumstances of addicted loved ones.
When I realized that years of focusing on my two, grieving their choices did nothing to change their outcome, and took a horrible toll on my own life, I knew I had to change. I am still working hard at it.
Switching focus is difficult because we spent so many years intensely focused on our kids while they were growing up, trying to steer them on the right path. It’s hard to let go, especially when we see them on such a downward slide.
Keep working on the boundaries you have set for your son. That is the first step. I think the biggest and hardest and longest step is retraining ourselves to set boundaries on our own reactions to our kids choices. Refocusing our energy to self care and finding ways to work through the pain is hard work. What we wish most for our wayward adult kids is that they find their true potential and get on a path towards self love. I think that when we focus on that for ourselves we become a living example for them. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. Keep working at lifting yourself up, that is something you can control. You have already begun by setting boundaries for your son.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

New Leaf, your comments have so much insight and wisdom and I was helped by them. Thank you.

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf, your comments have so much insight and wisdom and I was helped by them. Thank you.

Hi Beta, thank you so much for your kindness. I can’t count how I much I have been helped here on CD. It’s been such a blessing to be able to share with folks who are going through similar trials.
Leaf

 

[Ithurtz]

Talked briefly with my-ex, his mother. She said he stored that jar of white whatever in the frig. She said he hung around for a few days, was delusional, got his car fixed, and then left in his car. She doesn’t know where he went and I haven’t heard from him, nor from any police. I still worry so much, but am learning to occupy my time better. Luckily I volunteer time with two different agencies and that is consuming my thoughts and time. Volunteering is good. Lucky to be retired.

A

 

[Ithurtz]

Well lo and behold. My son has seemingly returned to reality. I was beginning to feel comfortable with detachment. After I had not heard from him for about 10 days, he contacted me by phone. Told me that he had been staying in hotels over those days, spending time at casinos and smoking weed. He said that is definitely not meth in that jar, but some type of Marijuana that he uses to load his own vapes. He slowly admitted he was sort of out of it and says he will explain all someday. I met him once for lunch last week and he seems back to how he has behaved normally before. He told me he actually started working again at his food delivery jobs and he is beginning to look for other work. He doesn’t want to dig into all his bizarre behavior for the past 3 months. I asked him if he is seeing a therapist and he said yes, but doesn’t want to go on any medication. He says he will continue M. Now I do hope He can explain his delusional, derogatory, and obscene behavior as most family members have blocked him or detached and I would hope he wants to express some regret or sorrow about that so they are available to him in the future. And is it possible he could do this again.

A

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Ithurtz,
My two display similar behavior as far as disappearing, then reappearing. It’s a hard rollercoaster to be on, these are our grown children, and we want them to have decent lives. Drug use and bizarre behaviors, that’s a difficult reality to live with.

My son has seemingly returned to reality. I was beginning to feel comfortable with detachment

It’s baffling how well timed my daughters coming back into our lives is, however brief, it starts a whole new challenge for me to adjust and reevaluate my reaction. When I was deep into the horror of their lifestyle, I would be affected in every way from contact with them.

He said that is definitely not meth in that jar, but some type of Marijuana that he uses to load his own vapes.

It’s hard to discern what the truth actually is. My two swore up and down for a long time that “all they did was pot”, when they were deep into harder substances. I don’t know much about vaping, but think it is usually in liquid form. What the reality is, is that whatever your son is using, it has changed his behavior drastically to the point where friends and family have cut him off.

He told me he actually started working again at his food delivery jobs and he is beginning to look for other work.

That’s a good thing. Hopefully he will follow through.

I asked him if he is seeing a therapist and he said yes, but doesn’t want to go on any medication. He says he will continue M.

I hope he continues with therapy and eventually recovery. The problem with marijuana nowadays is that it is far more potent than before.

Now I do hope He can explain his delusional, derogatory, and obscene behavior as most family members have blocked him or detached and I would hope he wants to express some regret or sorrow about that so they are available to him in the future.

We may not ever get an explanation. I think regret and apologies comes with sobriety, or attempts at it. In sober moments my daughter has apologized, but unfortunately relapsed and disappeared off the radar again and back to using. This is why it is so important for us as parents to work at strengthening ourselves. It is not a linear process dealing with addicted, substance using loved ones. Detachment for me has meant that I have to remove myself from my emotional knee jerk reactions to the good and bad. I still have hope that one day my daughters will wake up, but I can’t base my living well on that outcome. That’s not living.

And is it possible he could do this again.

Anything is possible with unpredictable behaviors and active addiction. That’s why it’s so important for us to work on ourselves, we have no control over what our adult children choose. It’s too stressful and unhealthy to stay on the rollercoaster with them. They will do what they do, no matter what we say or how badly we feel. Detachment doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we have to go no contact (although I have done that based on my health). Detachment means that we learn to live our lives and find peace within. For me, that’s a constant goal to work at.
I hope that your son is better and that you continue to work on strategies that help you cope with whatever challenges may arise.
Please take good care of yourself.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Ithurtz]

Well the improvement only lasted about a month. I’ve been back on, reading and re-reading posts over and over. Son has gone back to binge drinking, and suicide ideation. He lives with his mother and she’s been drinking also which didn’t help. I cannot have him live with me and my wife because of his behavior and choices. He did a 3 day stint in psychiatric ward, came out, all pumped up about a job and wrote a new resume, that lasted a week and then back to drinking, suicide, and re-admitted. I haven’t heard any more other than he called me to say he is back in.

The writers on this forum have suffered so much and for me they are wonderful therapists. Which is why I reading and re-reading. New Leaf and Copa have helped me so much in my journey with my son. I was actually detaching fairly well until this suicide ideation began. He has never been violent or aggressive in his life and I am not sure if he uses it to gain temporary treatment.

But right now I am struggling again while I try to use all the approaches and suggestion put forth here. I have set boundaries on my phone and ceased giving money. But my heart aches so. I see other young adults going about life and cannot grasp why he will not change. I am going to see a therapists nearby.

Sorry for rambling but as all of you know, this is a tough road.

A

 

[New Leaf]

Hello Ithurts,
I’m so sorry for your pain. I think it is so important to process the emotions, and find healthy ways to rise above whatever situation unfolds. It is not easy, that’s for sure. Know that you are worth the effort, your life has value.

Son has gone back to binge drinking, and suicide ideation.

I’m so sorry to read this. While my two have gone down the rabbit hole with meth, they have not spoken about suicide. It is unfathomable to suffer hearing that from a loved one.

I cannot have him live with me and my wife because of his behavior and choices.

This is most reasonable and logical. I have had to make the same decision. That was a huge change for me and was difficult to stick by. My daughter Tornado has asked several times to “come back home”. At first, I would go into an emotional tailspin after saying no, because I was focused on worst case scenarios. The truth is that my two never got better living at home. The truth is also that there are programs and agencies that will help my two if they want help. The same for your son.

He did a 3 day stint in psychiatric ward, came out, all pumped up about a job and wrote a new resume, that lasted a week and then back to drinking, suicide, and re-admitted. I haven’t heard any more other than he called me to say he is back in.

Hopefully your son will figure out that drinking is not the answer and is harming him.

I was actually detaching fairly well until this suicide ideation began. He has never been violent or aggressive in his life and I am not sure if he uses it to gain temporary treatment.

Who knows what is in the minds of our addicted adult children? I do know that talk of suicide is serious and warrants a call to 911. I also feel that it is extremely emotionally abusive for a loved one to have to hear. Whatever the case with your son, I am glad he is back in treatment. Hopefully he will get the help he needs and follow through with the steps he needs to take to get well.

But right now I am struggling again while I try to use all the approaches and suggestion put forth here. I have set boundaries on my phone and ceased giving money.

You are on the right path with boundaries and not giving money. It does not mean you will be comfortable. It’s hard to create new paths and walk the walk. We have literally been conditioned by our adult children’s addicted state, to react in ways that are not healthy for them, or us. It’s like being stuck in a whirlpool, whipped into reluctant submission by the constant drama and chaos, feeling like we have to do something. The hard reality for my hubs and I was that the more we did, the more my two sunk into their addiction and we got pulled down into the “quicksand” with them. I see more and more now that my two took full advantage of our despair, and used it to further their drug use. Understanding this, and making efforts to change our knee jerk reaction to the “newest catastrophe” helps to pull up and out of the muck. I had to remove myself emotionally, and that was tough. Still is, but, I am recovering more quickly and learning to recognize when I am creeping towards the rabbit hole. My demise, my enabling did absolutely nothing to help them and was slowly killing me. Looking back on those crazy years, I am horrified at what we put up with. But, I suppose that is part of this journey. Rinse, repeat until we know better.

But my heart aches so. I see other young adults going about life and cannot grasp why he will not change. I am going to see a therapists nearby.

I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is a most difficult thing to watch. Our wayward adult children have their lives to live, choices to make and we have no control over this. What we do have control over is ourselves and our reactions. I am hoping that you find the right therapist to help you navigate through the pain and hard reality. What helped me tremendously, besides coming here and writing and receiving kind and understanding responses, was walking. A lot of walking and praying. I ended up giving my two in prayer back to God. They were only on loan to me to raise up, they truly belong to Him. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but this really helped me to let go of a misconceived notion that I could somehow “help” them make better choices. I can only love them, and hope and pray that one day they find their light and potential. Whatever your beliefs are, I think it is crucial to find healthy ways to let go of the toxic attachment that can develop when faced with addicted loved ones.

Sorry for rambling but as all of you know, this is a tough road.

No need to apologize. I have written a few “books” here. I think writing is a good way to work through the grief. We are grieving these choices our wayward kids make. It is a very tough road, and we are all at different points. I have many times tripped and fell along the way, and still come here for help and healing. You will be okay, Ithurtz. You have to. After all, we are our kids first mentors. What we wish for them is to love themselves enough to make better choices. I think the greatest help we can give them is to model that. Self love, that is. We cannot choose for them, but we can lead by example in learning to love ourselves, to take care of ourselves, to stick to boundaries. To find ways to create joy in our lives. You matter. Your life matters.
Take care
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

We are grieving these choices our wayward kids make

I think we need to rebuild ourselves too. Rewiring, they call it. Rewiring the brain. That's why writing helps. New Leaf and I came here around the same time about 8 years ago I think it is. We were both here day in, day out. I think I have written 10,000 posts. I read nearly everything posted and responded to most of it in the first few years. I didn't know why and what I was doing.

But looking back I was rewiring my brain. Every single thing we write here when we respond is from that new place, building that place. That rewired place. It is not the "advice" that helps. It's the modeling of what we need to build in ourselves and putting it in place, packing it in, and consolidating it in our brains as we respond to others.

My son has made suicidal statements. He has been hospitalized numerous times. Just this week he sent me a text. I have nothing to live for. I was crestfallen but I stayed neutral. I think what happens for him is that he temporarily wakes up to how he screws up, but instead of turning to himself, he turns to me, something outside of himself that he associates with problem-solving. This motivates me even more to let him deal with the consequences of his life himself.

You have to build that muscle in you, too. One thing that can help us begin to tolerate the feelings that come up is to identify them. Is it guilt?

None of us is a perfect parent. Let that go. We have got to learn to tolerate letting them live their lives. That work is in us.

 

[Worndown68]

I have no words except Thank You to Ithurtz, New Leaf and Copacobana for your postings, I must have been reading these forums for about 8 years too. I usually come to them after a few sleepless nights, so not to feel so alone. I strive to detach but even when my wallet is closed and I don’t return phone calls my heart still hurts so much. Even after years of therapy and coaching to detach, physically I am but I don’t think my heart can. I am truly blessed with 3 grandchildren who love me and I know so many who are not.
Coming up to Thanksgiving with a broken family is so tough. I am Thankful for this Forum.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Worndown,
I am so sorry for your troubles with your two daughters and the heartache of it.

Even after years of therapy and coaching to detach, physically I am but I don’t think my heart can.

My heart is definitely connected to my two wayward daughters, albeit cautiously. I don’t think the aim of detachment is to disconnect completely. I look at it more as to recognize unhealthy patterns and anything we may do on our part that enables our adult kids to abuse themselves and in turn abuse us. There are times when I had to limit contact to preserve my sanity and for my safety. But, I will always love my two.

I think we need to rebuild ourselves too. Rewiring, they call it. Rewiring the brain.

I think Copa is spot on here. I look back at times when I have been in complete despair over my two, their addiction and bad choices became so intertwined with my life I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. Back then, feeling this way was identified with loving them. I was completely enmeshed with their downslide. Many folks have written “How can I be happy when my adult child is out there on the streets?” As if by sacrificing ourselves, our own lives, our own joy, we can somehow make them choose differently? It never happened. In fact, the more I degraded myself by basing my life and world on my waywards chaos, the more my two took advantage of my lack of self awareness, self identity and lack of boundary setting. Many times I have written that as I set boundaries and stuck to them I felt cold hearted. That was more my reaction to not going into an emotional tailspin over the latest dramatic episode. It felt foreign to react calmly.
This does not mean that I don’t love my two, I do with all of my heart. I am learning to rewire my brain towards acceptance of the consequences they face due to their choices. It takes work, but I don’t think I would live much longer if I continued to self destruct over these years. It is a constant effort to self regulate and redirect my attention to the only thing I can control, my reaction.

I am truly blessed with 3 grandchildren who love me and I know so many who are not.

Our grands are truly a blessing.

Coming up to Thanksgiving with a broken family is so tough.

It is tough Worndown, holidays are rough. We all would love to have that Norman Rockwell family dinner. I pray for peace of mind and heart for you. From your posts, you have been dealing with this for a long time, too. Hang in there. You are worth it. Your life and happiness has value.

I am Thankful for this Forum.

Me too. It has helped me immeasurably.
Big Hugs to you
Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

It is a constant effort to self regulate and redirect my attention to the only thing I can control, my reaction.

I think this is the opportunity that is offered to us with our children. When the troubles start for them (and us) we latch on to traumatized, sensitive, vestigial wiring within us, and we operate from that. It is unfixable. And the only thing we can do is start from a new place and re-wire ourselves anew, from the consciousness, experience, motivations, and capacities of adults.

This way of thinking illuminates so much for me, especially why it's so hard to let go.

 

[Ithurtz]

As Worndown so eloquently stated above, “coming up to Thanksgiving with a broken family is so rough”, I hope all of you carry on as best as we all can. I’m going to stop by to see my son on Wednesday evening. His mother states that he is still drinking. I am still just so distressed by him. The more I am reading all of your sad stories of your adult children, the more I am realizing that for my son the affliction is addiction. Period. I can try to attach many different diagnoses, but until his urge to drink or smoke pot ceases or diminishes, the sad state of his life will remain. Writing here (as New Leaf) and others suggests, helps me detach and rewire.

A