easy child cheated on state exam

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Jun 22, 2009.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    so my easy child cheated on a state exam. i got the call this morning when i was in a cse for difficult child.

    needless to say they weren't accusing initially yet going to "talk" to her about it. after me texting her and telling her they would be giving her same questions again to see if she had the same answers she folded and admitted she cheated.

    it is a misdemeanor here in new york state. yet it's up to the discretion of the principal. her name will be forwarded to the state department, along with the other 5 kids she will have a in school suspension followed by not being able to take state tests at bldg level again until she proves for 7 months she can be trusted.

    worst of all easy child has no remorse and does not care and simply stated so as well. she attacked me verbally in the truck when we left, name called me my job what a bad parent i was, wow is all i can say. i came home and breathed till i locked myself in the bathroom and cried.

    i asked the two ppl in the mtg the state person they sent down to investigate as well as the principal they both said she's angry, defiant, disrepsectful and doesnt' seem to care. she wasnt' disrespectful verbally to them yet the eye rolling, not giving eye contact etc.

    so, needless to say she's 16 my height and not able to be brought to therapy unless she wants to go. you can bring the horse to water but you can't make them drink it.

    so, i'm at a loss. she's got alot of junk in there, internalizes for years and doesn't let it out and talk about it, so the blow up when it all finally comes Occupational Therapist (OT) a head will be bad.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, I know you had just posted you two were getting along better. The attack on you is probably more her anger at herself. At least that's what I tell myself with my easy child.

    I hope you find a way to get her into therapy. I had my easy child start a few years ago, she was furious but now I think she actually enjoys going.

    Hugs to you, I'm so sorry she was so hurtful to you with all of this.
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    This is a big one. Wow
    I am so sorry. You both need some time to really think about things before reacting. I know I would be very explosive and reactive...

    I really hope this is getting through to her at all, of what a huge deal this is.
    Ugh, This is one I would have to do some serious thinking on.

    You have so much always on your plate. Huge, huge hugs
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    The kids don't seem to realize the big deal these tests are. I know mine didn't. Nichole didn't cheat......but it was probably a miracle she passed it as she just filled in the answers without really looking at the test at all.

    I dunno. I think we've got serious problems when we have to test our kids to see if they learned anything. Makes teachers feel like that have to teach geared to the test and puts a ton of pressure on the kids to pass it. Cramps learning in my humble opinion. Yet I know there are plenty of teachers who can't teach worth a hoot, it still hurts those who are gifted teachers and love what they do.

    Sad thing is......at 16 I wouldn't see it as a big deal either. Just another stupid test I didn't want to take to have to pass.

    I'm sorry Jena, hopefully the natural conscequences will teach her something.

  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I bet she is ashamed, embarassed, scared, etc. But, she just can not show it yet. I say let natural consequences take over here. She is already suffering inside because of it. The lesson learns is: if you cheat, you get caught. I do not see any good coming of additional punishments.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It is the oddest thing...when our easy child's do something shameful it just hurts more for some reason...it's shocking and gives you that pit in the stomach feeling.

    When easy child was in HS she did something incredibly shameful - she furthered a horrible rumor about the HS guidance teacher - to ME. I reacted and called the school. It was so horrible. When we called easy child out on it all she wanted to do was hide under her covers. Apologies followed, of course, but what an awful experience. Eventually, the [wrongfully] shamed and embarrassed teacher moved to a different school within the district.

    I am betting your easy child is embarrassed and humiliated - and rightfully so. It's hard to take your lumps when you've plainly done something so wrong. I say let the natural consequences run their course. Hopefully, after her outrage at being found out has passed, she will truly feel some remorse for her actions.

    Hugs Jen, this must have been a big blow for you. I'm sorry your easy child made a bad decision.
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Tough one. Like everyone said, she's probably silently embarrassed, etc. But, also stubborn enough not to let you know. I sadly think this is one of those situations where you let the chips fall and roll with it. Actually...SHE needs to roll with it.


  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi guys

    thanks for the input and support i appreciate it. we still do have a great repoir or at least i thought so. i put the time in with her, even when i'd rather not.

    yea, it is stressful it really is. she threw me for a loop with this one and that anger she has inside has been brewing for a while silently i think.

    i'm not sure how i can manage to get her some help, there is def a block there it's more than the test thing and humiliation of it all. i've tried therapy for her for years on and off wasted my money as she sat and buried it all.

    it's a integrity issue and her lack of it at this point i feel.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry she chose to do this. It sure does seem she has a lot of anger and resentment built up. Is it to deal with difficult child and the drama that comes with her, or boyfriend and/or his kids? Or is it still to do more with the boyfriend and his alcoholic family you won't let her go on weekend trips with?

    I really hope you can figure this all out. What about having her do some hard physical labor as a consequence. Our good therapist had us use physical work (trimming bushes, mowing grass, scrubbing bathrooms, etc...) with Wiz when he did things like this. It took quite a long time but it worked.

    The labor seemed to "get through", maybe because it required more than just listening from him. therapist says that it has been very helpful with many of the teens she sees. And it is one of the ideas behind the various wilderness and ranch programs that exist for troubled kids.

    Sending you the warrior armor so you can deal with this.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jen, I too have brought my easy child to counselors over the years (I thought she needed help dealing with stuff surrounding difficult child, divorce, etc) and she would just sit there with this look on her face that said, "Okay, so here we are. Now what?"

    I figure that one day she will be ready to talk and it needs to be in her own time. Once I stopped trying to get her to talk, she seemed more open to discussions on a general level, which often offered me the opportunity to talk about some issues that I thought were important or pertinent to her and our relationship. It was like always keeping one ear cocked and ready, waiting for the opportunity, you know?

    Perhaps in time, your daughter will simmer down, with school ending, etc., you may be able to find some time to spend a day together and keep things lite. It's difficult as a parent to take a step back and not try to 'get to the bottom' of a situation like this, but I think that you have to. The more you try to get her to open up or talk about it, the more likely she will be to clam up. Hugs, Jen.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi and thanks to both of you........

    she's not stopping, anytime shes around me and i dare say a word she's going for me verbally pretty badly for past 3 days now.

    cursing me out, insulting me, putting me down, breaking me down, name calling, you name it. telling me she will do what she wants when she wants to, that means not obiding by her punishment, walking out of house if i'm not here and working and she's grounded, walking off school grounds next year or cheating again if she wants to.

    i haven't triggered her, or yelled or threatened, simply said i'll help you through this and this is what i get.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    only thing i've gotten out of her is my divorce 8 years ago she's mad about and fact there is nothing wrong with-difficult child it's my fault she is this way, and anything else that anyone has wrong with-them is my fault.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Don't let all that power to influence and control everyone's lives go to your head!!! Man, do you also have an invisible jet like wonderwoman? Can I take a trip in it with you?

    (side note - If I become invisible in Jen's Wonderwoman invisible jet, does that mean I will not weigh anything also? Maybe I could just live on the jet - great quick weight loss, wouldn't it be? I will go sit in the corner now.)

    Does she see her dad? Is that part of the problem? It is so hard when they blame us for everything. I would still drug test her (if you can manage to make that happen - maybe tell her the doctor has to check for any protein in the urine, or some other reason to think it is for a normal checkup?) and toss her room regularly.

    I am amazed at how long she has kept this up. Is seh still seeing the boy she was intimate with a while back? Is there anything else going on with her? could she be afraid she is pregnant and is lashing out because she is TERRIFIED of possibly being pregnant, and of telling you about it?

    As for what she says about difficult child - if she is such an expert then why hasn't SHE "fixed" her little sister?? I would toss that one right back in her lap unless I was REALLY being restrained. Which I probably wouldn't be.

    I hope you can work through this with her and without choking her.

    Many hugs, and I am always here for you. (especially if you bring the jet - you could land in my backyard - there are some empty lots so there is plenty of room!

  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    susie thanks! she's starting to get to me i've broken down a few times. it's not anger i'm feeling it's hurt and upsetment. i know sh'es got alot of built up stuff in there due to divorce, etc yet what she is doing is not acceptable.