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easy child's moving on sat.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 419830" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jena, I didn't think I needed to say it - you did a really good job bringing this to a head and resolving it (as best as it can be resolved) as calmly as possible. Something had to give and you cannot tolerate what she has been doing. It's bad for you, it's bad for difficult child. And for easy child (although it grates me to refer to her as a easy child - I don't think she is). As for husband - it goes without saying, he is hurting badly.</p><p></p><p>Technically, by saying "abide by the rules or leave," you have given her two choices. She has made her choice. This is as a result of you giving her those two options, which implies that both options have your support. If you make it clear that her choosing one of your two options means that she has your limited approval to do one of the two things you asked her to do, then it may be easier to insist on at least knowing where she is staying. For Pete's sake, what reason does she give for not telling you? Is she still trying to pretend she is fleeing an abusive environment? SHE is the abuse! While she continues to insist, "I can't tell you where I will be," then she is still trying to control everything, and this is very unhealthy.</p><p></p><p>Check with the cops if it is OK for you to not be told where she is staying. CYA, basically.</p><p></p><p>You asked in another thread where you have gone wrong (following implied criticism from someone). What I have observed is that you tend to be reactive rather than proactive. This is understandable - you've had a lot to occupy your mind with difficult child and it is very difficult to keep thinking in all directions and your single-minded child is more able to do this (not being so distracted as you). Other possible mistake - trying to apply a punishment that you cannot apply. For example, saying, "You're grounded" to someone who then still comes and goes as they want to. How do you control someone's movements when they won't be controlled? It is best to not apply such a punishment, than to apply it and fail to be able to follow through. Locking her out when she is late - good consequences. But under the circumstances, too little too late. She shouldn't have left. But of course, how can you stop her? What I'm saying here - if you try to impose a punishment you cannot actually make her comply with, you have set yourself up for failure and an escalation of problems.</p><p></p><p>Proactive vs reactive - you took the laptop away. She stole it back by going through your room. HUGE no-no. You took it back and locked your room. She goes through the window. So you needed to lock the window (I assume you did this). You needed to check the place for lockdown before every departure. Also make sure difficult child is not being coerced into helping easy child. Also make sure husband is not unwittingly undermining your attempts by, say, unlocking the window to get some fresh air while he's in te room, then forgetting to lock it when he leaves. If it's a sliding window, you can 'lock' it openable by putting a length of wood or pipe in the track. husband & I have a bedroom window that cannot be opened more than a hand width unless we remove the length of timber - we once had a thief come in through the window while husband was in the next room. </p><p></p><p>With situations like this, you need to be able to think ahead and plan ahead. Think before you speak and say, "That does it! You now will have to do X!" if there is a chance that the kid can get out of having to do X.</p><p></p><p>You need to always look to your leverage. What MUST you provide? What can you withdraw and keep removed from her? How sure are you that you can ensure she does not take what she is not permitted to? How can you make your rules workable, in other words.</p><p></p><p>That's it. And if you could manage all that, you wouldn't need to be here. And neither would we.</p><p></p><p>We do the best we can, we learn form our mistakes and we also learn what works so we can do it again. </p><p></p><p>But in this departure - to a certain extent, it IS with your approval because it is one of the choices you gave her. Do X, or Y. She chose Y. You cannot now say, "I didn't expect that. I didn't really mean it..." You now have to follow through and say, "OK, I will drive you there so you don't have to lug your bags on the bus." For her to insist on not telling you where - that is childish and inappropriate. However, I'm not sure you can control this in any way. All you can do is be more mature than she is being, and you do what she should do - you tell her (as I described already) where you are going and when, if it takes you away form home. Keep her updated with important family news. The implication is that you expect, as courtesy, the same in return. If you get it - praise her. If you don't - be disappointed perhaps, but don't wallow in it with her. Move on and hope she eventually works it out.</p><p></p><p>in the meantime, her bad house manners will be Someone Else's Problem.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 419830, member: 1991"] Jena, I didn't think I needed to say it - you did a really good job bringing this to a head and resolving it (as best as it can be resolved) as calmly as possible. Something had to give and you cannot tolerate what she has been doing. It's bad for you, it's bad for difficult child. And for easy child (although it grates me to refer to her as a easy child - I don't think she is). As for husband - it goes without saying, he is hurting badly. Technically, by saying "abide by the rules or leave," you have given her two choices. She has made her choice. This is as a result of you giving her those two options, which implies that both options have your support. If you make it clear that her choosing one of your two options means that she has your limited approval to do one of the two things you asked her to do, then it may be easier to insist on at least knowing where she is staying. For Pete's sake, what reason does she give for not telling you? Is she still trying to pretend she is fleeing an abusive environment? SHE is the abuse! While she continues to insist, "I can't tell you where I will be," then she is still trying to control everything, and this is very unhealthy. Check with the cops if it is OK for you to not be told where she is staying. CYA, basically. You asked in another thread where you have gone wrong (following implied criticism from someone). What I have observed is that you tend to be reactive rather than proactive. This is understandable - you've had a lot to occupy your mind with difficult child and it is very difficult to keep thinking in all directions and your single-minded child is more able to do this (not being so distracted as you). Other possible mistake - trying to apply a punishment that you cannot apply. For example, saying, "You're grounded" to someone who then still comes and goes as they want to. How do you control someone's movements when they won't be controlled? It is best to not apply such a punishment, than to apply it and fail to be able to follow through. Locking her out when she is late - good consequences. But under the circumstances, too little too late. She shouldn't have left. But of course, how can you stop her? What I'm saying here - if you try to impose a punishment you cannot actually make her comply with, you have set yourself up for failure and an escalation of problems. Proactive vs reactive - you took the laptop away. She stole it back by going through your room. HUGE no-no. You took it back and locked your room. She goes through the window. So you needed to lock the window (I assume you did this). You needed to check the place for lockdown before every departure. Also make sure difficult child is not being coerced into helping easy child. Also make sure husband is not unwittingly undermining your attempts by, say, unlocking the window to get some fresh air while he's in te room, then forgetting to lock it when he leaves. If it's a sliding window, you can 'lock' it openable by putting a length of wood or pipe in the track. husband & I have a bedroom window that cannot be opened more than a hand width unless we remove the length of timber - we once had a thief come in through the window while husband was in the next room. With situations like this, you need to be able to think ahead and plan ahead. Think before you speak and say, "That does it! You now will have to do X!" if there is a chance that the kid can get out of having to do X. You need to always look to your leverage. What MUST you provide? What can you withdraw and keep removed from her? How sure are you that you can ensure she does not take what she is not permitted to? How can you make your rules workable, in other words. That's it. And if you could manage all that, you wouldn't need to be here. And neither would we. We do the best we can, we learn form our mistakes and we also learn what works so we can do it again. But in this departure - to a certain extent, it IS with your approval because it is one of the choices you gave her. Do X, or Y. She chose Y. You cannot now say, "I didn't expect that. I didn't really mean it..." You now have to follow through and say, "OK, I will drive you there so you don't have to lug your bags on the bus." For her to insist on not telling you where - that is childish and inappropriate. However, I'm not sure you can control this in any way. All you can do is be more mature than she is being, and you do what she should do - you tell her (as I described already) where you are going and when, if it takes you away form home. Keep her updated with important family news. The implication is that you expect, as courtesy, the same in return. If you get it - praise her. If you don't - be disappointed perhaps, but don't wallow in it with her. Move on and hope she eventually works it out. in the meantime, her bad house manners will be Someone Else's Problem. Marg [/QUOTE]
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