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Embarrassment leading to defiance
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 412352" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Can you suggest to him that he ask one of the bullies? After all, they're already teasing him so how ca it make them worse? And it could give them insight.</p><p></p><p>My oldest friend used to tease me every time we met - my mother insisted I wear a ridiculous pillbox hat to church when no other kids wore hats to church at all by then. This girl would flip my hat over my eyes (it was held on with elastic - adding to my shame). I finally made friends with her when I was able to stop wearing the hat. We are still good friends, all these years later. But it took me making an effort, plus her realising how much it upset me for her to do the hat flipping thing.</p><p></p><p>He could ask the kid, and get a knock-back. But if he asks in the spirit of trying to build bridges, it could even shame the kid into leaving him alone. Talk him through it, point out that among other things, the social skills class is designed to help him learn how to manage bullying situations. And it doesn't sound like serious bullying, more like the push-pull of playground give and take. It's a test, to see how he will react - in fun, or in annoyance? Sometimes the kid doing things like this is lacking certain social graces himself and is trying, in a hamfisted way, to make a friendly approach. So difficult child slicks his hair back obsessively? Teach him to make light of it. "Yeah, so? At least I make sure my hair isn't sticking out at all angles. Not like SOME people..." then smile and walk away. </p><p></p><p>My kids tease me too - I tend to teach at every opportunity, and on every drive anywhere I would point out various views of interest. I've even stopped the car and made them get out on the side of the road, to look at the rock formations. I knew I was doing it too much the day there was a friend on board in the car and the kids all chorused, "And there is the chocolate shale..." as we passed the formation. "Note the faulting. Beneath the chocolate shale is the Hawksbury sandstone..."</p><p>It's good-natured joshing, and I am sure I was never that bad. But I have to take it with a grin as a joke against myself. I know one day they will be parents and the cycle will continue. They'll get theirs!</p><p></p><p>If he asks one of the bullies, the kid is most likely to say no. But he might say yes, if only out of curiosity. And it could help the kid get a more compassionate perspective on difficult child. It also gives difficult child practice at doing something socially challenging, but very grown-up and mature. It also gives difficult child some control back. ONE bully will be isolated form his support base if he goes. Underneath it all, bullies are just normal kids, often ones who have themselves been bullied and are just paying it on.</p><p></p><p>An alternative - you could ask one of these bullies home for an afternoon's play. Supervise closely, make sure you have some structured activities for them to do, or maybe join in yourself so you can monitor and control interactions. But sometimes it takes a brave deed to break the cycle.</p><p></p><p>When I was a kid at school, a group of girls used to beat me up every day. I talked it through with my mother and she gave me some extra money (which we could not afford) and I bought some sweets and then offered the sweets to these girls. I saw their reactions - some took the sweets clearly thinking, "What a crawler, what an idiot." </p><p>Others took a sweet and said, "This is very nice of you, considering we've been mean to you."</p><p>I replied, "I prefer to be friends. I figure it's always possible. No hard feelings."</p><p>They never beat me up again. They had seen me in a different light, and they still were not totally lost to humanity if they had consciences.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, there were others who took over attacking me (different group, unrelated) and them, I could not tame. But by then I realised that it was possible to give people a chance. If they threw back that chance, they deserved everything they got, from my making formal complaints.</p><p></p><p>If you can't find a way through, I would let him off the class if he can't bring his friend. He already feels like a fish out of water. the class should have been more formally available to his age group, the poor kid won't learn much while he feels so uncomfortable anyway.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 412352, member: 1991"] Can you suggest to him that he ask one of the bullies? After all, they're already teasing him so how ca it make them worse? And it could give them insight. My oldest friend used to tease me every time we met - my mother insisted I wear a ridiculous pillbox hat to church when no other kids wore hats to church at all by then. This girl would flip my hat over my eyes (it was held on with elastic - adding to my shame). I finally made friends with her when I was able to stop wearing the hat. We are still good friends, all these years later. But it took me making an effort, plus her realising how much it upset me for her to do the hat flipping thing. He could ask the kid, and get a knock-back. But if he asks in the spirit of trying to build bridges, it could even shame the kid into leaving him alone. Talk him through it, point out that among other things, the social skills class is designed to help him learn how to manage bullying situations. And it doesn't sound like serious bullying, more like the push-pull of playground give and take. It's a test, to see how he will react - in fun, or in annoyance? Sometimes the kid doing things like this is lacking certain social graces himself and is trying, in a hamfisted way, to make a friendly approach. So difficult child slicks his hair back obsessively? Teach him to make light of it. "Yeah, so? At least I make sure my hair isn't sticking out at all angles. Not like SOME people..." then smile and walk away. My kids tease me too - I tend to teach at every opportunity, and on every drive anywhere I would point out various views of interest. I've even stopped the car and made them get out on the side of the road, to look at the rock formations. I knew I was doing it too much the day there was a friend on board in the car and the kids all chorused, "And there is the chocolate shale..." as we passed the formation. "Note the faulting. Beneath the chocolate shale is the Hawksbury sandstone..." It's good-natured joshing, and I am sure I was never that bad. But I have to take it with a grin as a joke against myself. I know one day they will be parents and the cycle will continue. They'll get theirs! If he asks one of the bullies, the kid is most likely to say no. But he might say yes, if only out of curiosity. And it could help the kid get a more compassionate perspective on difficult child. It also gives difficult child practice at doing something socially challenging, but very grown-up and mature. It also gives difficult child some control back. ONE bully will be isolated form his support base if he goes. Underneath it all, bullies are just normal kids, often ones who have themselves been bullied and are just paying it on. An alternative - you could ask one of these bullies home for an afternoon's play. Supervise closely, make sure you have some structured activities for them to do, or maybe join in yourself so you can monitor and control interactions. But sometimes it takes a brave deed to break the cycle. When I was a kid at school, a group of girls used to beat me up every day. I talked it through with my mother and she gave me some extra money (which we could not afford) and I bought some sweets and then offered the sweets to these girls. I saw their reactions - some took the sweets clearly thinking, "What a crawler, what an idiot." Others took a sweet and said, "This is very nice of you, considering we've been mean to you." I replied, "I prefer to be friends. I figure it's always possible. No hard feelings." They never beat me up again. They had seen me in a different light, and they still were not totally lost to humanity if they had consciences. Mind you, there were others who took over attacking me (different group, unrelated) and them, I could not tame. But by then I realised that it was possible to give people a chance. If they threw back that chance, they deserved everything they got, from my making formal complaints. If you can't find a way through, I would let him off the class if he can't bring his friend. He already feels like a fish out of water. the class should have been more formally available to his age group, the poor kid won't learn much while he feels so uncomfortable anyway. Marg [/QUOTE]
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