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Substance Abuse
Emergency custody order, didn't go as planned.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 631193" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi and welcome, so sad. I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your precious son. My son is almost 25 (about 10 more days til his birthday) and we have experienced much of what you describe. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My difficult child was a high needs child from the minute he was born: colic, formula intolerance, shyness, fear of new situations, didn't want to go to preschool or kindergarten, difficulty with separation from me, almost too perfect in elementary school, didn't want to call attention to himself, then did a 180 in middle school, became the class clown and cutup. On and on, until the drinking and the drugs and the arrests and the jail terms and suicide threats and all of the horror of the past four years. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is not crazy. Of course you love your son so much. I love my son very much as well. And yes, our hearts are broken. But so sad, there is life in the middle of this insanity. Believe me, it can be a good life,full of joy and contentment and purpose, amid the bouts of sadness and frustration and fear. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is your key sentence. Your son is a drug addict. His behavior tells that story. His rage, his erratic ups and downs, his out of control behavior, this person who you don't even recognize, has been taken over by drugs. Drugs are doing the talking and the acting right now. And until he wants his life to be different, drugs will rule. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Great decision on your part. I would also find and go to at least six Al-Anon meetings---they are free---and wonderful---over the next couple of weeks. Keep on going, even if you are very uncomfortable at first. You don't have to say a word. There is tremendous understanding, compassion, love and support there, and the 12 step program is a blueprint for your own recovery from dealing with addiction. You have likely been doing what comes naturally, and that is to do everything in your power to reason with him, make him stop, cry, beg, plead, shake him...and sadly, none of that will do one single thing unless and until he is ready for change. Al-Anon will help you get your sanity back, one meeting, one book/reading and one phone call at a time. Also, please get and read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie and another great book is When the Servant Becomes the Master, and there are many others. This is the start of building your own toolbox so that you have tools to help you get your life back, regardless of what your son does or does not do. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You can only decide what you will and will not tolerate. I drew up multiple contracts for my son to sign, and gave him chance after chance after chance to live in my house and be respectful. Finally, after looking the other way for way, way too long, and trying to fix/manage/control/reason with him for years about his behavior, I gave him the final contract---reduced to one simple page---and he sat, looked at me, tore it up, and I said: Okay, leave this house. He took his clothes, what he could carry, and he walked down the street. It was one (not THE toughest, because there were more to come, that I didn't know about, that day) of the toughest days of my life. I cried for about two days straight. </p><p></p><p>But believe me, and please, try to learn more quickly than I did, and from the experience of others, know that drug addicts and alcoholics are NOT unique. Each story, while slightly different on the details, is exactly the same story. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He will have to get completely and utterly sick and tired of his life today before he will be motivated to change it. As long as there is a safety net, and somebody else is doing things for him that he should be doing for himself, he will not change. </p><p></p><p>Today, my son is homeless...again. This is the fifth time he has been homeless. He has multiple misdemeanors and two felonies. This young man had every advantage in life. He had a nice home, in church every Sunday, two parents who are college educated professionals, a car to drive, paid-for college, every sport he wanted to play in, vacations, trips, nice clothes, including 4 years on the high school soccer team, like your son. Addiction is no respecter of socio-economic status, of educational status, of any kind of difference in each of us. It is a brain disease, and it is incurable, but it can be arrested, through recovery, through treatment, and through hard work every single day for the rest of their lives. But they have to want it. We can't want it for them enough. It has to be THEM. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So, like MWM said above, what does this mean for us, right now, today? What do we do, once we know and learn this about our precious adult children? We have to learn to let them go. It is the hardest work of our lives. We will trip, stumble, back up and fall many times on this journey because it is counter-intuitive. What we have to learn to do goes against all we ever knew or believed in. We thought love would conquer all. </p><p></p><p>Not addiction. It is a 40-foot-tall monster that mows down everybody and everything in its path. It is relentless and it is pure evil, and they can't help having the disease of addiction. But they can decide to get help for it, or they can continue on in its grip for as long as they can.</p><p></p><p>It is often said that addiction ends in one of three places if left untreated: jail, institutions or death. I believe this is true. </p><p></p><p>You will have to let how to stop enabling your son, how to stop the flow of money, how to set healthy boundaries, how to detach from his behavior with love, how to accept what is, today, and how to love him during all of this, and how to keep living your own life, despite it all. And you CAN do this. You really can. </p><p></p><p>I know right now all you want is an answer to this question: How do I make my son stop this? </p><p></p><p>And I am so so sorry to say that the answer is this: There is no way for you to make him stop, no matter what you try.</p><p></p><p>So, if you can start to accept that this is true, then you can start the long, long road of YOU. While still loving him and standing back and standing down, waiting for him to get sick and tired enough. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs. Please keep posting. We are here for you. We understand. We really do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 631193, member: 17542"] Hi and welcome, so sad. I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your precious son. My son is almost 25 (about 10 more days til his birthday) and we have experienced much of what you describe. My difficult child was a high needs child from the minute he was born: colic, formula intolerance, shyness, fear of new situations, didn't want to go to preschool or kindergarten, difficulty with separation from me, almost too perfect in elementary school, didn't want to call attention to himself, then did a 180 in middle school, became the class clown and cutup. On and on, until the drinking and the drugs and the arrests and the jail terms and suicide threats and all of the horror of the past four years. It is not crazy. Of course you love your son so much. I love my son very much as well. And yes, our hearts are broken. But so sad, there is life in the middle of this insanity. Believe me, it can be a good life,full of joy and contentment and purpose, amid the bouts of sadness and frustration and fear. This is your key sentence. Your son is a drug addict. His behavior tells that story. His rage, his erratic ups and downs, his out of control behavior, this person who you don't even recognize, has been taken over by drugs. Drugs are doing the talking and the acting right now. And until he wants his life to be different, drugs will rule. Great decision on your part. I would also find and go to at least six Al-Anon meetings---they are free---and wonderful---over the next couple of weeks. Keep on going, even if you are very uncomfortable at first. You don't have to say a word. There is tremendous understanding, compassion, love and support there, and the 12 step program is a blueprint for your own recovery from dealing with addiction. You have likely been doing what comes naturally, and that is to do everything in your power to reason with him, make him stop, cry, beg, plead, shake him...and sadly, none of that will do one single thing unless and until he is ready for change. Al-Anon will help you get your sanity back, one meeting, one book/reading and one phone call at a time. Also, please get and read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie and another great book is When the Servant Becomes the Master, and there are many others. This is the start of building your own toolbox so that you have tools to help you get your life back, regardless of what your son does or does not do. You can only decide what you will and will not tolerate. I drew up multiple contracts for my son to sign, and gave him chance after chance after chance to live in my house and be respectful. Finally, after looking the other way for way, way too long, and trying to fix/manage/control/reason with him for years about his behavior, I gave him the final contract---reduced to one simple page---and he sat, looked at me, tore it up, and I said: Okay, leave this house. He took his clothes, what he could carry, and he walked down the street. It was one (not THE toughest, because there were more to come, that I didn't know about, that day) of the toughest days of my life. I cried for about two days straight. But believe me, and please, try to learn more quickly than I did, and from the experience of others, know that drug addicts and alcoholics are NOT unique. Each story, while slightly different on the details, is exactly the same story. He will have to get completely and utterly sick and tired of his life today before he will be motivated to change it. As long as there is a safety net, and somebody else is doing things for him that he should be doing for himself, he will not change. Today, my son is homeless...again. This is the fifth time he has been homeless. He has multiple misdemeanors and two felonies. This young man had every advantage in life. He had a nice home, in church every Sunday, two parents who are college educated professionals, a car to drive, paid-for college, every sport he wanted to play in, vacations, trips, nice clothes, including 4 years on the high school soccer team, like your son. Addiction is no respecter of socio-economic status, of educational status, of any kind of difference in each of us. It is a brain disease, and it is incurable, but it can be arrested, through recovery, through treatment, and through hard work every single day for the rest of their lives. But they have to want it. We can't want it for them enough. It has to be THEM. So, like MWM said above, what does this mean for us, right now, today? What do we do, once we know and learn this about our precious adult children? We have to learn to let them go. It is the hardest work of our lives. We will trip, stumble, back up and fall many times on this journey because it is counter-intuitive. What we have to learn to do goes against all we ever knew or believed in. We thought love would conquer all. Not addiction. It is a 40-foot-tall monster that mows down everybody and everything in its path. It is relentless and it is pure evil, and they can't help having the disease of addiction. But they can decide to get help for it, or they can continue on in its grip for as long as they can. It is often said that addiction ends in one of three places if left untreated: jail, institutions or death. I believe this is true. You will have to let how to stop enabling your son, how to stop the flow of money, how to set healthy boundaries, how to detach from his behavior with love, how to accept what is, today, and how to love him during all of this, and how to keep living your own life, despite it all. And you CAN do this. You really can. I know right now all you want is an answer to this question: How do I make my son stop this? And I am so so sorry to say that the answer is this: There is no way for you to make him stop, no matter what you try. So, if you can start to accept that this is true, then you can start the long, long road of YOU. While still loving him and standing back and standing down, waiting for him to get sick and tired enough. Warm hugs. Please keep posting. We are here for you. We understand. We really do. [/QUOTE]
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