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<blockquote data-quote="Sunlight" data-source="post: 22245" data-attributes="member: 97"><p>thanks all for your kind words and insight. just to clarify a couple points:</p><p></p><p>boyfriend and I have both sex friends. males and females who email us from time to time from our group. we interact with them all equally. one might email both of us and back and forth. we do not get jealous of one another talking to or emailing other people. we all went to this supoprt grp over the past few yrs and from time to time would befriend this or that person and then it would fade off once the person was feeling better and moved on. of the group only two couples were formed, ours and one other couple the other singles have moved on to other places. </p><p></p><p>the problem is this particular woman is secret to him. she never moved on. I do not know her at all. when he first told me she emailed, he said he was helping her get thru tough times. after three yrs I noticed how protective he was of her emails. they have emailed almost 5 yrs. he would not give it up. I offered to meet her with him. he said no.</p><p>I told him he is holding her back from finding someone who can be with her. I reminded him how cruel it can be because he cannot truly be there for her because we live together. he said he thought he could help her. it became a thorn in my side when the secrecy moved to the phone calls then to this inperson visit. </p><p></p><p>we each have our own homes. boyfriend and I do not maintain each others' houses cars or bills. he has his house up for sale to move in here but so far we spend time at each house. we each are on our own all day at work or whatever and meet up for dinner and the night. </p><p></p><p>when I met boyfriend he rescued two other women before I dated him, after his marriage ended. one he slept with. she broke it off the minute he said he loved her after a two month relationship. the other one he tried to help but she rejected him and moved out of state. I know them both and at the time, did not know boyfriend well and in fact was glad he was finding someone to be with as he seemed lost. </p><p></p><p>during his marriage...in its final days while they were about to divorce...he renewed a relationship with an old high school pal in need and it began a one yr affair while he still lived with his wife. the wife did not know of the contact between he and this woman. it ended when he refused to leave his wife for her. the wife subsequently was on her way out with a man she met during the marriage.</p><p></p><p>so naturally I am thinking boyfriend's tendency to be helpful gets him deeper in than he needs to be. my expectations of him or anyone else are to be truthful and open. period. otherwise they can hit the road and deceive other people not me.</p><p></p><p>I refuse to snoop around or play games with him. it is very clear that I will not tolerate him getting his heart involved with other women. that will only lead to trouble. we can surely talk to M together, but he said NO when I first found out about the planned get together. he said I did not know her enough to talk about things with her. </p><p></p><p>even still, I wonder if he really did cut it off and when you bring things to surface, just like drug addiction..sometimes it only makes the person go underground and hide it more. I gave him a choice not an ultimatum. he knows where I stand and what will break up our relationship. this is so true:</p><p></p><p>"the bottom line from where I sit boyfriend lied about staying in contact with her even after promising you to cut all ties. You have made it clear that you are not okay with this relationship, HOWEVER, he has continued inspite of that. To me, his having contact with her is/was more important than you and your feelings. "</p><p></p><p></p><p>I told him I need to matter. after all, if he told me something was bothering him, I would NOT do it. boyfriend has a weakness when it comes to women. Lies and secret meetings, not being concerned about how I would feel about it, proceeding with the escalation from email to phone to meeting...all very bad signs. </p><p></p><p>In my mind, I give the relationship with him a month-I will perhaps ask him then if things are still the same and he has not contacted her or she him. if he disappoints me, I cannot allow myself to continue to put my heart and soul into a man who is untrustworthy. been there done that</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sunlight, post: 22245, member: 97"] thanks all for your kind words and insight. just to clarify a couple points: boyfriend and I have both sex friends. males and females who email us from time to time from our group. we interact with them all equally. one might email both of us and back and forth. we do not get jealous of one another talking to or emailing other people. we all went to this supoprt grp over the past few yrs and from time to time would befriend this or that person and then it would fade off once the person was feeling better and moved on. of the group only two couples were formed, ours and one other couple the other singles have moved on to other places. the problem is this particular woman is secret to him. she never moved on. I do not know her at all. when he first told me she emailed, he said he was helping her get thru tough times. after three yrs I noticed how protective he was of her emails. they have emailed almost 5 yrs. he would not give it up. I offered to meet her with him. he said no. I told him he is holding her back from finding someone who can be with her. I reminded him how cruel it can be because he cannot truly be there for her because we live together. he said he thought he could help her. it became a thorn in my side when the secrecy moved to the phone calls then to this inperson visit. we each have our own homes. boyfriend and I do not maintain each others' houses cars or bills. he has his house up for sale to move in here but so far we spend time at each house. we each are on our own all day at work or whatever and meet up for dinner and the night. when I met boyfriend he rescued two other women before I dated him, after his marriage ended. one he slept with. she broke it off the minute he said he loved her after a two month relationship. the other one he tried to help but she rejected him and moved out of state. I know them both and at the time, did not know boyfriend well and in fact was glad he was finding someone to be with as he seemed lost. during his marriage...in its final days while they were about to divorce...he renewed a relationship with an old high school pal in need and it began a one yr affair while he still lived with his wife. the wife did not know of the contact between he and this woman. it ended when he refused to leave his wife for her. the wife subsequently was on her way out with a man she met during the marriage. so naturally I am thinking boyfriend's tendency to be helpful gets him deeper in than he needs to be. my expectations of him or anyone else are to be truthful and open. period. otherwise they can hit the road and deceive other people not me. I refuse to snoop around or play games with him. it is very clear that I will not tolerate him getting his heart involved with other women. that will only lead to trouble. we can surely talk to M together, but he said NO when I first found out about the planned get together. he said I did not know her enough to talk about things with her. even still, I wonder if he really did cut it off and when you bring things to surface, just like drug addiction..sometimes it only makes the person go underground and hide it more. I gave him a choice not an ultimatum. he knows where I stand and what will break up our relationship. this is so true: "the bottom line from where I sit boyfriend lied about staying in contact with her even after promising you to cut all ties. You have made it clear that you are not okay with this relationship, HOWEVER, he has continued inspite of that. To me, his having contact with her is/was more important than you and your feelings. " I told him I need to matter. after all, if he told me something was bothering him, I would NOT do it. boyfriend has a weakness when it comes to women. Lies and secret meetings, not being concerned about how I would feel about it, proceeding with the escalation from email to phone to meeting...all very bad signs. In my mind, I give the relationship with him a month-I will perhaps ask him then if things are still the same and he has not contacted her or she him. if he disappoints me, I cannot allow myself to continue to put my heart and soul into a man who is untrustworthy. been there done that [/QUOTE]
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