my boyfriend has known a woman, M, for 5 yrs... about a yr longer than he knew me. she and he were in a group together back before I met him...a support grp for divorced people.
they never really stopped emailing each other casual infrequent emails. she is very lonely and needs support. he is very supportive to everyone he comes across. he felt she needed to talk. he always says they are just friends and she is not interested in him at all. she is 10 yrs younger, still sad about her divorce and sees two psychiatric grps for counseling. her ex is already remarried. the email thing was always casual and more of him responding to her when she emailed with supportive words. after about two yrs of me going with him, I told him I was uncomfortable with this and he said he would stop contact completely and let her know he was seeing me. (he didnt)
in december, I was with him when he opened up his email box one day. there was an email in there from her entitled "getting together".
I was shocked that the emails had not only not stopped, but also stunned that she would suggest an inperson mtg. he deleted it and said he would cut off all communication with her.
He said he blocked her emails. he said he had felt bad because she has lots of problems and no one else to talk with. about a month later, I asked him if she ever contacted him again and he said no.
On feb 17, since we share his computer...I was on outlook express and there was an email he had composed but did not send to her. he told her he was thinking about her and telling her what bad weather we were having, and if it wasnt so bad out...he would have her over for a glass of wine to keep warm. his last sentence was "if you want to, give me a call tonight." he thought it went but it was not sent.
I was shocked. he had told me they never communicated any more. I asked him to fess up. he told me that in early february, she called him on his cell phone because he had not answered her email and he had blocked them from coming in. she had the cellphone number since the support grp 5 yrs ago. he told me about her call and the mtg. he said she gave him no indication she was interested in him at the mtg, but he thought about her afterward, he said he felt sorry for her.
he later told me that her voice on the phone was sad and lonely. he had not seen her in three yrs. he never told me she called, but he chose to meet her for coffee to let her speak to him about her problems. he met her early in the evening at a coffee shop... while I was at work. he never mentioned it.
I wasnt there when he composed that email to her. it was a week after their coffee shop meeting. I was home here because of the snowstorm that night. my son was with boyfriend at his house so a mtg would have never taken place with this woman that very night, also she lives pretty far from here. nonetheless, my boyfriend was thinking of this woman. he was flirting with her.
this was last weekend I found the email.
I was going to leave boyfriend. he asked me to give him a chance and he said he would call M and tell her she could not communicate any more, any way. since I was not privy to that phone call, I have to trust that boyfriend did indeed break her off. I would have rather been sitting there when he called her to be sure.
I hope it is nipped in the bud, but my trust is shattered and he knows it. I read a lot about emotional affairs on the internet here and learned his pattern is classic. someone wants to cry on your shoulder, or you theirs. you start to share info and care.
you have no intentions of leaving your present spouse but start to get more secretive about the depth of contact you have with this other person.
it can only end or escalate.
when boyfriend tried to end the emails, she escalated it with a suggestion for inperson mtg. when he did not respond, she called. he felt sorry for her and met her in person. then he attempted to escalate it with his email (not sent) to her.
Our relationship is in jeopardy because my trust is broken. time will tell if he has truly cut off all contact with her. they never were more than friends. so far. I know I will not tolerate any further disloyalty from him. he seems very sincere and determined that we remain a couple. truth is, I wonder if he will once again start up the emails and phone calls if she tries to contact him. I am still debating leaving him as that would prevent him from ever hurting me if he is weak one day again.
they never really stopped emailing each other casual infrequent emails. she is very lonely and needs support. he is very supportive to everyone he comes across. he felt she needed to talk. he always says they are just friends and she is not interested in him at all. she is 10 yrs younger, still sad about her divorce and sees two psychiatric grps for counseling. her ex is already remarried. the email thing was always casual and more of him responding to her when she emailed with supportive words. after about two yrs of me going with him, I told him I was uncomfortable with this and he said he would stop contact completely and let her know he was seeing me. (he didnt)
in december, I was with him when he opened up his email box one day. there was an email in there from her entitled "getting together".
I was shocked that the emails had not only not stopped, but also stunned that she would suggest an inperson mtg. he deleted it and said he would cut off all communication with her.
He said he blocked her emails. he said he had felt bad because she has lots of problems and no one else to talk with. about a month later, I asked him if she ever contacted him again and he said no.
On feb 17, since we share his computer...I was on outlook express and there was an email he had composed but did not send to her. he told her he was thinking about her and telling her what bad weather we were having, and if it wasnt so bad out...he would have her over for a glass of wine to keep warm. his last sentence was "if you want to, give me a call tonight." he thought it went but it was not sent.
I was shocked. he had told me they never communicated any more. I asked him to fess up. he told me that in early february, she called him on his cell phone because he had not answered her email and he had blocked them from coming in. she had the cellphone number since the support grp 5 yrs ago. he told me about her call and the mtg. he said she gave him no indication she was interested in him at the mtg, but he thought about her afterward, he said he felt sorry for her.
he later told me that her voice on the phone was sad and lonely. he had not seen her in three yrs. he never told me she called, but he chose to meet her for coffee to let her speak to him about her problems. he met her early in the evening at a coffee shop... while I was at work. he never mentioned it.
I wasnt there when he composed that email to her. it was a week after their coffee shop meeting. I was home here because of the snowstorm that night. my son was with boyfriend at his house so a mtg would have never taken place with this woman that very night, also she lives pretty far from here. nonetheless, my boyfriend was thinking of this woman. he was flirting with her.
this was last weekend I found the email.
I was going to leave boyfriend. he asked me to give him a chance and he said he would call M and tell her she could not communicate any more, any way. since I was not privy to that phone call, I have to trust that boyfriend did indeed break her off. I would have rather been sitting there when he called her to be sure.
I hope it is nipped in the bud, but my trust is shattered and he knows it. I read a lot about emotional affairs on the internet here and learned his pattern is classic. someone wants to cry on your shoulder, or you theirs. you start to share info and care.
you have no intentions of leaving your present spouse but start to get more secretive about the depth of contact you have with this other person.
it can only end or escalate.
when boyfriend tried to end the emails, she escalated it with a suggestion for inperson mtg. when he did not respond, she called. he felt sorry for her and met her in person. then he attempted to escalate it with his email (not sent) to her.
Our relationship is in jeopardy because my trust is broken. time will tell if he has truly cut off all contact with her. they never were more than friends. so far. I know I will not tolerate any further disloyalty from him. he seems very sincere and determined that we remain a couple. truth is, I wonder if he will once again start up the emails and phone calls if she tries to contact him. I am still debating leaving him as that would prevent him from ever hurting me if he is weak one day again.
him.
