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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 22280" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>I have to respectfully disagree slightly with the thoughts on this being about the other woman getting HER ego stroked. The other woman's actions are based solely in her own insecurities, lack of relationship success, and possible need for attention. boyfriend's actions are based in his own insecurities, his need to be needed, to be the hero, the savior, if you will. It happens all the time. Men like to be heros pretty much across the board. Most men fulfill this need through thier family, relationship with thier wife/SO or children. Others don't and the reality is, there are more than enough stragglers and leeches out there looking for someone to be thier hero - boyfriend is it for this other woman.</p><p></p><p>I see it in my own H as well. When we first got together, I was newly divorced with two very young daughter's. I was struggling emotionally, financially, etc. H was my hero - he was my cowboy. He was there for me constantly in every way that my exh was not and should have been. Eventually, and not without much communication, our relationship matured and we moved to an even playing field (turns out I saved him as well in many ways!). </p><p></p><p>Anyway, flash forward a few years and one of our neighbors is a single mom with an adorable little boy, whose first word was my H's name. Everytime I came out to the garage, there was this woman and her son, she regaling my H's capabilities at some task or another - ugh, it was downright nauseating - telling me how H was teaching her son to use a hammer or something. One day, I noticed that this woman had a dress similar to one I owned. Then I noticed that she also had the same sandals, eventually, the same jacket, and then jewelry. When I asked H to cool it, he would say how sorry he felt for her and the boy, being alone and not having a dad, etc. Finally, I had to point it out to H that he's a serial rescuer! At first, he couldn't, wouldn't, believe it, but after a few days of some major discussion, he saw it too. He has been in that situation again but now he catches himself. He is most vulnerable when our lives become hectic and so full that we forget to make time to nurture our own relationship, to appreciate one another, etc. This is very much about ego stroking, but more on the side of the rescuer, not so much the one seeking it, in my opinion. </p><p></p><p>antsmom, you're doing the right thing. Give him time, DO talk about his need to be needed and look at your own relationship a little more closely - has it become routine, rote in any way? Perhaps it needs a shot of B-12? If your boyfriend is a rescuer, then he needs to be aware of it and be on notice for future run-ins with needy women. And your putting into place boundaries that suit YOUR needs is perfectly acceptable and right. Someone said above that we all enter into relationships with our own expectations and baggage - that's very true and it's okay if one of your expectations is different from another's. It belongs to you and you have a right to your own comfort level.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 22280, member: 2211"] I have to respectfully disagree slightly with the thoughts on this being about the other woman getting HER ego stroked. The other woman's actions are based solely in her own insecurities, lack of relationship success, and possible need for attention. boyfriend's actions are based in his own insecurities, his need to be needed, to be the hero, the savior, if you will. It happens all the time. Men like to be heros pretty much across the board. Most men fulfill this need through thier family, relationship with thier wife/SO or children. Others don't and the reality is, there are more than enough stragglers and leeches out there looking for someone to be thier hero - boyfriend is it for this other woman. I see it in my own H as well. When we first got together, I was newly divorced with two very young daughter's. I was struggling emotionally, financially, etc. H was my hero - he was my cowboy. He was there for me constantly in every way that my exh was not and should have been. Eventually, and not without much communication, our relationship matured and we moved to an even playing field (turns out I saved him as well in many ways!). Anyway, flash forward a few years and one of our neighbors is a single mom with an adorable little boy, whose first word was my H's name. Everytime I came out to the garage, there was this woman and her son, she regaling my H's capabilities at some task or another - ugh, it was downright nauseating - telling me how H was teaching her son to use a hammer or something. One day, I noticed that this woman had a dress similar to one I owned. Then I noticed that she also had the same sandals, eventually, the same jacket, and then jewelry. When I asked H to cool it, he would say how sorry he felt for her and the boy, being alone and not having a dad, etc. Finally, I had to point it out to H that he's a serial rescuer! At first, he couldn't, wouldn't, believe it, but after a few days of some major discussion, he saw it too. He has been in that situation again but now he catches himself. He is most vulnerable when our lives become hectic and so full that we forget to make time to nurture our own relationship, to appreciate one another, etc. This is very much about ego stroking, but more on the side of the rescuer, not so much the one seeking it, in my opinion. antsmom, you're doing the right thing. Give him time, DO talk about his need to be needed and look at your own relationship a little more closely - has it become routine, rote in any way? Perhaps it needs a shot of B-12? If your boyfriend is a rescuer, then he needs to be aware of it and be on notice for future run-ins with needy women. And your putting into place boundaries that suit YOUR needs is perfectly acceptable and right. Someone said above that we all enter into relationships with our own expectations and baggage - that's very true and it's okay if one of your expectations is different from another's. It belongs to you and you have a right to your own comfort level. [/QUOTE]
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