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enabling information
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 519166"><p>My understanding about enabling has grown as I have grown. It certainly is a process. One thing I read said if you are helping them solve problems then that is enabling.... in other words they need to solve their own problems, we can't solve them for them. So under that defiition buying groceries would be enabling, since he ran out of money. That it is not enabling if they are working to get their life together and move forward, so for example you help pay a school fee. It sounds like in this case the young man was doing well and working and moving forward and so it might not be such a terrible act of enabling him to buy groceries.</p><p></p><p>I think there are a lot of variables and a lot depends. Some of it is how you feel... when I think about it I should know when my son is asking for something and I get that sinking feeling in my gut that this is something we should not do, but his arguments sound good and we don't want to tick him off... that is when we have really enabled him. Done it many times too.</p><p></p><p>Right now we are clear about what we will and wont do. He is being discharged tomorrow from the tx program... we know he has not done as well as he should have and yet we are going to pay rent and give money for food to a sober house... I am not willing to seal his fate, and not help him when he did seek help and went to tx for a month. I feel like we want to give him a chance and it feels right for us to do that... although it may still be enabling. However we made it clear it is one time.... we are not going to pay for another sober house if he gets kicked out of this one.</p><p></p><p>So its a fine line I think. I think this is a good place to come for feedback on specific situations.</p><p></p><p>I think I would probably buy groceries... because although it may be enabling it is also a loving parental thing to do... of course it depends somewhat on the age of the son too.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 519166"] My understanding about enabling has grown as I have grown. It certainly is a process. One thing I read said if you are helping them solve problems then that is enabling.... in other words they need to solve their own problems, we can't solve them for them. So under that defiition buying groceries would be enabling, since he ran out of money. That it is not enabling if they are working to get their life together and move forward, so for example you help pay a school fee. It sounds like in this case the young man was doing well and working and moving forward and so it might not be such a terrible act of enabling him to buy groceries. I think there are a lot of variables and a lot depends. Some of it is how you feel... when I think about it I should know when my son is asking for something and I get that sinking feeling in my gut that this is something we should not do, but his arguments sound good and we don't want to tick him off... that is when we have really enabled him. Done it many times too. Right now we are clear about what we will and wont do. He is being discharged tomorrow from the tx program... we know he has not done as well as he should have and yet we are going to pay rent and give money for food to a sober house... I am not willing to seal his fate, and not help him when he did seek help and went to tx for a month. I feel like we want to give him a chance and it feels right for us to do that... although it may still be enabling. However we made it clear it is one time.... we are not going to pay for another sober house if he gets kicked out of this one. So its a fine line I think. I think this is a good place to come for feedback on specific situations. I think I would probably buy groceries... because although it may be enabling it is also a loving parental thing to do... of course it depends somewhat on the age of the son too. TL [/QUOTE]
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