Hi Tired, thanks for starting this dialogue. I am presently in a Codependency support group lead by a PHD who is actually the head of the entire Chemical/Codependency program at the local HMO I belong to. She is a wonderful, wise and compassionate therapist and I've learned so much in this group. It sounds to me that statements like the one you made concerning the difficult child and food is perhaps being addressed to that one particular parent. What I am learning is that all circumstances are different, the difficult child's are different, the parents are different and there are no cut and dry rules. I heard one therapist say that simply put, when you do something out of loving kindness you feel good, when you do it out of codependency you feel bad. I believe it is a complex issue because codependency is our issue, it more reflects the choices we make because of our own issues, so it's wrapped up in our backgrounds and our own, perhaps, dysfunctional upbringings.
I listen each week to parents ask that very question, "is this codependency?" And, the therapist considers each individual circumstance and family and then talks it out with the parent. Often the issue ends up being about the parent and what they can and cannot handle and there is never a right or wrong solution, only what the person finds for himself or herself that is healthy and does not harm the difficult child or the parent. It's always interesting to me because I often would consider something enabling or not enabling and then I listen and I am incorrect.
What I have noticed, in myself and others is what the therapists call ' a trance' the automatic behavior we as codependents go directly into when confronted with a situation our difficult child's offer us. This is the dangerous reaction whereby we, without thinking it through, simply react as we always do, enabling, giving, being codependent. Coming out of that 'trance' takes some work, because we have to stop that runaway train of behavior and then stop and really wake up to check out what is really happening, and then respond in a healthy and usually very different way. Sometimes the different way is simply to not react, or to have a pat statement, like " i know you are smart enough to figure it out for yourself." But those first steps can be tentative and difficult.
It appears to be more complicated then, this behavior is codependent, this is not. What I am finding is as I heal my own tendencies towards enabling, I make better choices with my difficult child which work better for her and myself. Rather then a right or wrong, it is being able to think it through in a different way, with a better understanding of myself, and then make appropriate choices based on each individual circumstance. The very next circumstance may be different entirely, so there is not a rule to follow. The flexibility of choice appears to be a sign of health because otherwise, we adopt a right and wrong philosophy which is black and white thinking and not the answer. I think dealing with difficult child's is complicated, and yet made much easier if we as the parents are healthy and can adapt and be flexible in our thinking to respond to each issue and make choices which reflect caring with detachment.
For me, as many have said already in other posts, it is a process, it takes time, it's a learning curve, each one of us has to arrive at a place where the choices we make feel right to us and we can live with the outcomes. Each one of us has to surrender to what is, understand detachment and letting go, determine what that means to us and act accordingly. For me, much of it has revolved around my own healing, my own tendencies towards enabling. I understand that is not always the case, it is simply my case. As I understand why I have enabled my difficult child, I can make different decisions, and as a result, MY life works better. There is always the love for my daughter and her negative choices, but my ability to deal with it is improved remarkably as I focus more on myself and understand my own issues with enabling and codependency.
There are so many differences in our difficult child's, alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illnesses, physical issues, emotional issues, and on it goes. Each circumstance is unique, each parent and child unique, and yet in the final analysis, it becomes about detachment, letting go, focusing on ourselves, but we each arrive there from a different direction, but perhaps with similar baggage, as we see here daily. I think as in most cases in life, we here on this board live in that HUGE gray area where life isn't so obviously one way or the other, we all have to find our own way through it. The wonderful part is that we can do it together and help ourselves and each other.
