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Enough pain, lies and hurt - the boy needs to go.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 643395" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I see he has borderline traits. He sounds to me like he has a personality disorder, like most of the adult children sound like on this forum. They are exceptionally difficult to deal with, have little to no remorse, are nicest when they want something and if you say "no" are just as likely to not contact you until they want the next thing from you. You are likely to hear ad-nauseum what a horrible mother you are for reasons that may be true or may be made up and it's mostly done when you don't hand over the free money. They have little regard for rules or the law.</p><p></p><p>His real diagnosis doesn't matter at his age unless he really wants to get help. Then he'd be given tests for diagnosis. But adults with personality disorders mostly don't want help because they LIKE how they are and don't see anything wrong with their behavior. It's everyone else. They can get so angry, so over-the-top mad, that something they assault you. Usually they have a series of failed or bad relationships and can't really stay "nice" for very long.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you are sad and crying. Let me say that you did not give up. In fact, you don't have the power over this man to either give up or not give up. The only one who can give up on him is him and it doesn't sound like he is much motivated into trying very hard, like he's fine with how he is. I'm sure, like most of us, you have done it all to get him help when he was a minor and nothing worked. That was him deciding not to change because, after all, he had you doing his bidding (as we all did at first).</p><p></p><p>If he truly has a personality disorder, he will probably remain difficult and inflexible and always right and self-righteous and smug and even disinterested in following societal norms or the law. They don't apply to personality disordered people. That's why they often end up in trouble. Sadly, they rarely believe they have a problem and refuse to get help. In fact, they may go ballistic if you suggest it and then go on a tirade about how it's really YOU that is the problem...then the abuse starts.</p><p></p><p>Nobody should have to live with somebody who has a personality disorder and these clever, usually bright young men and women are great at charming and fooling psychiatrists. I have read that for most therapy is good. For somebody who is, say, antisocial or narcissistic (I don't know if he is either) therapy just teaches these adults how to further scam other people. There is good help for borderline now. It is new therapy and requires extremely hard work and a total commitment, which most borederlines won't undertake. However those who get into the mindset of change tend to change a lot, but they need to continue mental health care to remember their new ways of coping. So far there is nothing for narcissists and antisocials.</p><p></p><p>Whatever is wrong with your son, he is a man now and it is HIS responsibly to treat his mental health problems. You can't. And most of our kids think they are fine, so they won't go for help after age eighteen.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone in your grief or your actions. There are abusive adult children and if they are abusive, in my opinion, they should not live in your house. Drugs definitely don't help the personality disordered, but they commonly do abuse drugs.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hoping you feel better soon. You can't change yourself, but many of us on this forum and in the process of changing ourselves, our priorities, and our reactions to all abusive people, including adult children. All of us have the ability to have rich, full, happy lives even if our adult child(ren) are a mess. They are not us and we are not them. It just takes a different way of thinking and often lots of therapy.j</p><p></p><p>I'm going to post links to certain personality disorders and you can take a look:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic12887.html" target="_blank">http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic12887.html</a></p><p></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/</a></p><p></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/</a></p><p></p><p></p><p>These can co-exist with other mental health disorders. Their brains are actually wired differently, or at least they have done tests on antisocials that show they are.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 643395, member: 1550"] I see he has borderline traits. He sounds to me like he has a personality disorder, like most of the adult children sound like on this forum. They are exceptionally difficult to deal with, have little to no remorse, are nicest when they want something and if you say "no" are just as likely to not contact you until they want the next thing from you. You are likely to hear ad-nauseum what a horrible mother you are for reasons that may be true or may be made up and it's mostly done when you don't hand over the free money. They have little regard for rules or the law. His real diagnosis doesn't matter at his age unless he really wants to get help. Then he'd be given tests for diagnosis. But adults with personality disorders mostly don't want help because they LIKE how they are and don't see anything wrong with their behavior. It's everyone else. They can get so angry, so over-the-top mad, that something they assault you. Usually they have a series of failed or bad relationships and can't really stay "nice" for very long. I'm sorry you are sad and crying. Let me say that you did not give up. In fact, you don't have the power over this man to either give up or not give up. The only one who can give up on him is him and it doesn't sound like he is much motivated into trying very hard, like he's fine with how he is. I'm sure, like most of us, you have done it all to get him help when he was a minor and nothing worked. That was him deciding not to change because, after all, he had you doing his bidding (as we all did at first). If he truly has a personality disorder, he will probably remain difficult and inflexible and always right and self-righteous and smug and even disinterested in following societal norms or the law. They don't apply to personality disordered people. That's why they often end up in trouble. Sadly, they rarely believe they have a problem and refuse to get help. In fact, they may go ballistic if you suggest it and then go on a tirade about how it's really YOU that is the problem...then the abuse starts. Nobody should have to live with somebody who has a personality disorder and these clever, usually bright young men and women are great at charming and fooling psychiatrists. I have read that for most therapy is good. For somebody who is, say, antisocial or narcissistic (I don't know if he is either) therapy just teaches these adults how to further scam other people. There is good help for borderline now. It is new therapy and requires extremely hard work and a total commitment, which most borederlines won't undertake. However those who get into the mindset of change tend to change a lot, but they need to continue mental health care to remember their new ways of coping. So far there is nothing for narcissists and antisocials. Whatever is wrong with your son, he is a man now and it is HIS responsibly to treat his mental health problems. You can't. And most of our kids think they are fine, so they won't go for help after age eighteen. You are not alone in your grief or your actions. There are abusive adult children and if they are abusive, in my opinion, they should not live in your house. Drugs definitely don't help the personality disordered, but they commonly do abuse drugs. Hugs and hoping you feel better soon. You can't change yourself, but many of us on this forum and in the process of changing ourselves, our priorities, and our reactions to all abusive people, including adult children. All of us have the ability to have rich, full, happy lives even if our adult child(ren) are a mess. They are not us and we are not them. It just takes a different way of thinking and often lots of therapy.j I'm going to post links to certain personality disorders and you can take a look: [url]http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic12887.html[/url] [url]http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/[/url] [url]http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/[/url] These can co-exist with other mental health disorders. Their brains are actually wired differently, or at least they have done tests on antisocials that show they are. [/QUOTE]
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Enough pain, lies and hurt - the boy needs to go.
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