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Estranged difficult child and grandchild
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<blockquote data-quote="Siobhan Harper" data-source="post: 578395" data-attributes="member: 15902"><p>Well, I'll try again and hope my "hungry" computer doesn't eat this post!</p><p></p><p>We haven't heard anything from difficult child or SO since SO left husband waiting to pick her up from work, when she had already gone home, presumably because difficult child showed up after a 3-day walk-out. husband tried messaging her, but no response. I never did get to see my granddaughter; husband saw her once when he went to their apartment at SO's request when difficult child walked out. Don't know whether that's bad or good, really. My last memory of granddaughter is of a 4-month-old angel in a little white onesie and white socks, big blue eyes looking knowingly into mine, cooing gently...then having to hand her over to a policeman because difficult child called the cops and said we had taken their child, when difficult child was the one who brought her to us earlier that day. husband spent that day mediating an incredibly ugly scene, basically protecting SO from difficult child, difficult child packing, supposedly leaving, finally threatening husband with never seeing baby again. husband snapped (after hours of patience), told difficult child where to get off, and left. We hadn't even had a chance to return the baby and were reluctant to take her back into this unknown situation, but were forced to do so as a result of difficult child's call to the cops. Shortly after that, difficult child and SO sent word to all family that they would have nothing to do with anyone anymore. After many months, SO contacted husband to say she didn't like this situation but didn't know how to change it; difficult child was adamant.</p><p></p><p>That whole isolation thing just reads textbook abuse to me. One of the first things an abuser does is to isolate SO and family from other family and friends. Until the episode last weekend, we hadn't seen any of them for months. When husband saw baby, she looked well and happy but, of course, didn't know him, and that was horrible for him. Her first birthday is less than 10 days away. Thinking we will try to bring a gift to her, maybe with-out calling first, so they can't say "No." SO broke the "no contact" rule, so maybe that's an opening?</p><p></p><p>The odd thing, now, is that I'm questioning how hard I should really try to re-open the door. I've read a lot of the posts here on Parent Emeritus, read the detachment article, and realized that, although I have lived with a heartache and probably always will, I was just beginning to make peace with a life that didn't include my beloved granddaughter OR my drama-laden difficult child and SO. Such mixed feelings. I really think the day will come when difficult child walks out for good, and as has been pointed out, the baby will be left with SO. Trying to develop a better relationship with her sounds like the best bet for being included when that happens. For sure, she's going to need someone, as her personal and other resources are VERY limited. I DO love my difficult child so much, and in many ways I don't blame him for what he has become; the deck was stacked against him before he ever came to us and he has tried to get better, but he just can't/won't sustain effort by being medication compliant and remaining in therapy, which in his better moments, even he admits he needs. His war experience just made everything worse. My heart breaks for him, but he is dangerous. He has set fire to SO's belongings in our yard at one point; his temper is unpredictable and violent; and as I've said, he has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to at least two women in his life.</p><p></p><p>At what price do you buy peace? How many times do you risk your heart, not to speak of safety? How hard do you try to rescue an innocent baby from a life with no future when neither parent will acknowledge that, at the very least, they need help to give the child what she deserves. I'll be honest; since that terrible day when I had to hand her to the policeman, I have tried to live as if she had passed away. When asked, I've said that we "lost" her. That is true, just not in the way most people would understand it.</p><p></p><p>We still have a crib set up in what was our guest room...we were making it into a "home away from home," because difficult child talked so much about how much we would see her, how much we would babysit, if we were willing. Having longed for a bio daughter of my own for years and grieved infertility, this granddaughter was, in my mind, my second chance. Both husband and I adored her, and even at 4 months, she knew us and felt comfortable and happy with us. Having her ripped out of our lives is the single most horrible thing that ever happened to either of us. I have literally been suicidal in the past months, and only excellent therapy has gotten me through it.</p><p></p><p>After the events of last weekend, and now the stoney silence again, I'm beginning to question the wisdom of working to open the door again. Can we really help? Is it realistic to think we will ever be a part of our granddaughter's life? I know that nobody can really answer those questions, but they gnaw at me. I feel stuck between two lives; one that would include at least our granddaughter, at any cost, and one that has accepted the loss and said, "Thank you, no" to any more drama and involvement with difficult child and SO that starts like a fire and suddenly, with no warning, disappears as if it never happened. How many shocks can the system take? Mixed into all this is the fact that husband is far from well; he suffers from diabetes, has three stents in his cardiac blood vessels, and lives with chronic migraine, just recently diagnosed. I have "regular" migraines and depression/general anxiety disorder, made much worse by stress of the kind caused by the difficult child situation.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just really confused right now about what, if any, step to take next. I so appreciate the good, practical advice many of you have given. It does help to know I'm not alone, because I really thought I was.</p><p></p><p>Blessings,</p><p>Siobhan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Siobhan Harper, post: 578395, member: 15902"] Well, I'll try again and hope my "hungry" computer doesn't eat this post! We haven't heard anything from difficult child or SO since SO left husband waiting to pick her up from work, when she had already gone home, presumably because difficult child showed up after a 3-day walk-out. husband tried messaging her, but no response. I never did get to see my granddaughter; husband saw her once when he went to their apartment at SO's request when difficult child walked out. Don't know whether that's bad or good, really. My last memory of granddaughter is of a 4-month-old angel in a little white onesie and white socks, big blue eyes looking knowingly into mine, cooing gently...then having to hand her over to a policeman because difficult child called the cops and said we had taken their child, when difficult child was the one who brought her to us earlier that day. husband spent that day mediating an incredibly ugly scene, basically protecting SO from difficult child, difficult child packing, supposedly leaving, finally threatening husband with never seeing baby again. husband snapped (after hours of patience), told difficult child where to get off, and left. We hadn't even had a chance to return the baby and were reluctant to take her back into this unknown situation, but were forced to do so as a result of difficult child's call to the cops. Shortly after that, difficult child and SO sent word to all family that they would have nothing to do with anyone anymore. After many months, SO contacted husband to say she didn't like this situation but didn't know how to change it; difficult child was adamant. That whole isolation thing just reads textbook abuse to me. One of the first things an abuser does is to isolate SO and family from other family and friends. Until the episode last weekend, we hadn't seen any of them for months. When husband saw baby, she looked well and happy but, of course, didn't know him, and that was horrible for him. Her first birthday is less than 10 days away. Thinking we will try to bring a gift to her, maybe with-out calling first, so they can't say "No." SO broke the "no contact" rule, so maybe that's an opening? The odd thing, now, is that I'm questioning how hard I should really try to re-open the door. I've read a lot of the posts here on Parent Emeritus, read the detachment article, and realized that, although I have lived with a heartache and probably always will, I was just beginning to make peace with a life that didn't include my beloved granddaughter OR my drama-laden difficult child and SO. Such mixed feelings. I really think the day will come when difficult child walks out for good, and as has been pointed out, the baby will be left with SO. Trying to develop a better relationship with her sounds like the best bet for being included when that happens. For sure, she's going to need someone, as her personal and other resources are VERY limited. I DO love my difficult child so much, and in many ways I don't blame him for what he has become; the deck was stacked against him before he ever came to us and he has tried to get better, but he just can't/won't sustain effort by being medication compliant and remaining in therapy, which in his better moments, even he admits he needs. His war experience just made everything worse. My heart breaks for him, but he is dangerous. He has set fire to SO's belongings in our yard at one point; his temper is unpredictable and violent; and as I've said, he has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to at least two women in his life. At what price do you buy peace? How many times do you risk your heart, not to speak of safety? How hard do you try to rescue an innocent baby from a life with no future when neither parent will acknowledge that, at the very least, they need help to give the child what she deserves. I'll be honest; since that terrible day when I had to hand her to the policeman, I have tried to live as if she had passed away. When asked, I've said that we "lost" her. That is true, just not in the way most people would understand it. We still have a crib set up in what was our guest room...we were making it into a "home away from home," because difficult child talked so much about how much we would see her, how much we would babysit, if we were willing. Having longed for a bio daughter of my own for years and grieved infertility, this granddaughter was, in my mind, my second chance. Both husband and I adored her, and even at 4 months, she knew us and felt comfortable and happy with us. Having her ripped out of our lives is the single most horrible thing that ever happened to either of us. I have literally been suicidal in the past months, and only excellent therapy has gotten me through it. After the events of last weekend, and now the stoney silence again, I'm beginning to question the wisdom of working to open the door again. Can we really help? Is it realistic to think we will ever be a part of our granddaughter's life? I know that nobody can really answer those questions, but they gnaw at me. I feel stuck between two lives; one that would include at least our granddaughter, at any cost, and one that has accepted the loss and said, "Thank you, no" to any more drama and involvement with difficult child and SO that starts like a fire and suddenly, with no warning, disappears as if it never happened. How many shocks can the system take? Mixed into all this is the fact that husband is far from well; he suffers from diabetes, has three stents in his cardiac blood vessels, and lives with chronic migraine, just recently diagnosed. I have "regular" migraines and depression/general anxiety disorder, made much worse by stress of the kind caused by the difficult child situation. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just really confused right now about what, if any, step to take next. I so appreciate the good, practical advice many of you have given. It does help to know I'm not alone, because I really thought I was. Blessings, Siobhan [/QUOTE]
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