I think I want to write to feel less alone. And because I feel so hardened that it's frightening. difficult child (16 yrs old) starts day treatment tomorrow. His probation officer helped us skip forward in the intake line. So- more support is around teh corner, maybe. PO's plan is that from ther ehe will act out enough eventually that he will be moved to something residential. We have been to the ER 4 times in the last couple weeks-- withdrawing from synthetic pot, then in handcuffs due to outburst at home, then for an imaginary medical problem imaginarily caused by the medication he was taking that was making him nice. So he decided to stop taking that medication. I'm pissed. He's been just horrible to me. I told someone that I was considering subletting an apartment and he can live here and I'll go live somewhere else. She said that would like result in CPS and I replied, very honestly, that that was fine. I mean what are they going to do- take him away. I feel just so torn about continuing to live with him, though I'm single mother without family to speak of and his Dad isn't a resource. Reading around I see some of you talking about your own mental health issues. difficult child was remanded then with his Dad for a about a month and I flourished in way I didn't know I could. This anxiety I didn't know was present lifted. I went on a date. I came and went as I pleased, kept the house clean, was never scared or being yelled at. I'd had a growth in my breast that looked like it was going to require serious surgery-- it magically healed when he was gone. Then I crashed in ways I hadn't known for years when he came back-- suddenly I couldn't handle what I had been accustomed too. I went on a lot more medications and sort of stabilized, but I'm coming undone again. Him decided to stop taking the medication might be the trigger/combined with the scenario again that things were a better for a week and now he's mean again, off the medication (Risperidone). I may have found a place I can sublet for the weekend and maybe more weekends to come. Compared with some things I've had to put up with in the past things really aren't so bad right now. He isn't physically aggressive-- it's only verbal but I just feel like if I don't jump I'm going down. I've basically been presenting things to him that way. Maybe that's skillful and maybe not. He tells me a lot about how selfish I am. He asked me today if just the sound of his voice bothered me and I answered honestly that, yes, after everything just his voice puts me on edge but he interrupted to explain that was just the consequence of a childhood of emotional neglect and I am reaping what I deserve. He doesn't have friends and wants all of my attention. I gave it to him this weekend but by mid-day Sunday he was convinced that he was having heart trouble and lashing out at me and it hasn't stopped since. Then Monday evening I went to go listen to a Buddhist teacher that I've had a lot of experience with in the past. He talked about how to deactivate the nervous system when we are overreacting to things that aren't really threatening.... elongating the out breath... stuff like that. Afterward I said that I was trying all of that and it wasn't cutting the mustard. I need tools for when it is bad. His response was so much like the family therapist when he figured out my difficult child's father (to whom I was still married at the time) was abusing me-- a response like-- you are asking me for tools of how to navigate a dangerous situation and the there aren't any other than to change the situation. It's easy to leave a man, comparatively... he went on about examples about abused women and I foolishly, in front of a room full of people responded that I did that with his Dad-- I know how to draw together support and make that happen but with the kid it's much harder. There's no immediate risk where a hospital will take him. CPS will take him but they'd put him in a non-secure place he'd run away from and that would be really dangerous for him. And I'm really not in immediate physical danger and I will and do call the cops when things get really out of hand. But I'm just shot through. I embarrassed myself at the mediation group and I feel very ashamed about that. I try and tell difficult child to just stay in his room and I will stay in mine-- now he's doing that but he wants company then it turns quickly into a punchy sermon on how I'm stupid and everything is my fault. I have no energy and I'm not the argumentative type. I generally just agree or space out but he wants a fight and gets really, really mad when I space out. He asked me how he can have a serious conversation with me and I said with a therapist and he school district no-- but at the day treatment he probably won't have a choice. I sort of don't want them to know how desperate I am until he's had his first day. His PO too is waiting until after he's been there a few days to let them know how bad the situation is-- that he's just waiting for the to recommend inpatient-- on both of our parts this is due to fear that they will decide not to take him-- he/we/I applied once before 5 mnths ago and they didn't take him them bc they school district he needed inpatient, but I didn't have a judge actively involved enough to make it happen. What's really confusing is that he is trying-- trying really hard where he has never tried before for so for me to give up now seem ridiculous.... I'm just so beaten down. And it doesn't take more than the sound of his voice to send me to pins and needles. Part of me feels dead and dying even more with every "family" interaction. Part of me sees that he's trying and feels really guilty for pushing him away so hard right now, but part of me is only interested in my own survival. He's sees that-- I tell him that the reason for his behavior... justifications... are all well and fine and yeah, I'm a terrible parent and I'm horribly abusive and and and. But I have needs to and what I need is to just be left alone. I really do want to just move out. But that would be horrible. He hasn't been to school for a year and half and he's starting again in 2 days. I have to support him, but I'm also gone. There's nothing of me left. Every time I do the laundry or afford food for us and manage to get to work I tell myself what a miracle I am-- that I can do these things. And I really mean that. It's a real gift from god that I can function and I am eternally grateful for the strides I've made. But this situation is just not ok.