Exhaustion

[dayatatime]

I think I want to write to feel less alone. And because I feel so hardened that it's frightening. difficult child (16 yrs old) starts day treatment tomorrow. His probation officer helped us skip forward in the intake line. So- more support is around teh corner, maybe. PO's plan is that from ther ehe will act out enough eventually that he will be moved to something residential. We have been to the ER 4 times in the last couple weeks-- withdrawing from synthetic pot, then in handcuffs due to outburst at home, then for an imaginary medical problem imaginarily caused by the medication he was taking that was making him nice. So he decided to stop taking that medication. I'm pissed. He's been just horrible to me. I told someone that I was considering subletting an apartment and he can live here and I'll go live somewhere else. She said that would like result in CPS and I replied, very honestly, that that was fine. I mean what are they going to do- take him away. I feel just so torn about continuing to live with him, though I'm single mother without family to speak of and his Dad isn't a resource. Reading around I see some of you talking about your own mental health issues. difficult child was remanded then with his Dad for a about a month and I flourished in way I didn't know I could. This anxiety I didn't know was present lifted. I went on a date. I came and went as I pleased, kept the house clean, was never scared or being yelled at. I'd had a growth in my breast that looked like it was going to require serious surgery-- it magically healed when he was gone. Then I crashed in ways I hadn't known for years when he came back-- suddenly I couldn't handle what I had been accustomed too. I went on a lot more medications and sort of stabilized, but I'm coming undone again. Him decided to stop taking the medication might be the trigger/combined with the scenario again that things were a better for a week and now he's mean again, off the medication (Risperidone). I may have found a place I can sublet for the weekend and maybe more weekends to come. Compared with some things I've had to put up with in the past things really aren't so bad right now. He isn't physically aggressive-- it's only verbal but I just feel like if I don't jump I'm going down. I've basically been presenting things to him that way. Maybe that's skillful and maybe not. He tells me a lot about how selfish I am. He asked me today if just the sound of his voice bothered me and I answered honestly that, yes, after everything just his voice puts me on edge but he interrupted to explain that was just the consequence of a childhood of emotional neglect and I am reaping what I deserve. He doesn't have friends and wants all of my attention. I gave it to him this weekend but by mid-day Sunday he was convinced that he was having heart trouble and lashing out at me and it hasn't stopped since. Then Monday evening I went to go listen to a Buddhist teacher that I've had a lot of experience with in the past. He talked about how to deactivate the nervous system when we are overreacting to things that aren't really threatening.... elongating the out breath... stuff like that. Afterward I said that I was trying all of that and it wasn't cutting the mustard. I need tools for when it is bad. His response was so much like the family therapist when he figured out my difficult child's father (to whom I was still married at the time) was abusing me-- a response like-- you are asking me for tools of how to navigate a dangerous situation and the there aren't any other than to change the situation. It's easy to leave a man, comparatively... he went on about examples about abused women and I foolishly, in front of a room full of people responded that I did that with his Dad-- I know how to draw together support and make that happen but with the kid it's much harder. There's no immediate risk where a hospital will take him. CPS will take him but they'd put him in a non-secure place he'd run away from and that would be really dangerous for him. And I'm really not in immediate physical danger and I will and do call the cops when things get really out of hand. But I'm just shot through. I embarrassed myself at the mediation group and I feel very ashamed about that. I try and tell difficult child to just stay in his room and I will stay in mine-- now he's doing that but he wants company then it turns quickly into a punchy sermon on how I'm stupid and everything is my fault. I have no energy and I'm not the argumentative type. I generally just agree or space out but he wants a fight and gets really, really mad when I space out. He asked me how he can have a serious conversation with me and I said with a therapist and he sd no-- but at the day treatment he probably won't have a choice. I sort of don't want them to know how desperate I am until he's had his first day. His PO too is waiting until after he's been there a few days to let them know how bad the situation is-- that he's just waiting for the to recommend inpatient-- on both of our parts this is due to fear that they will decide not to take him-- he/we/I applied once before 5 mnths ago and they didn't take him them bc they sd he needed inpatient, but I didn't have a judge actively involved enough to make it happen. What's really confusing is that he is trying-- trying really hard where he has never tried before for so for me to give up now seem ridiculous.... I'm just so beaten down. And it doesn't take more than the sound of his voice to send me to pins and needles. Part of me feels dead and dying even more with every "family" interaction. Part of me sees that he's trying and feels really guilty for pushing him away so hard right now, but part of me is only interested in my own survival. He's sees that-- I tell him that the reason for his behavior... justifications... are all well and fine and yeah, I'm a terrible parent and I'm horribly abusive and and and. But I have needs to and what I need is to just be left alone. I really do want to just move out. But that would be horrible. He hasn't been to school for a year and half and he's starting again in 2 days. I have to support him, but I'm also gone. There's nothing of me left. Every time I do the laundry or afford food for us and manage to get to work I tell myself what a miracle I am-- that I can do these things. And I really mean that. It's a real gift from god that I can function and I am eternally grateful for the strides I've made. But this situation is just not ok.

 

[TerryJ2]

I hear you!
I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to move out. And I completely understand about the sound of his voice.
Deep breath.
Yes, stress can kill you.
What is your son's diagnosis?
Why doesn't he have friends? Sounds like a learning disorder or something ...
And why wasn't he in school for two yrs? Even in juvie they have classes.
Do you have a therapist? If not, get one. You need to learn to detach. It takes a long time, but you can do it. One thing I do is pretend that my son is a TV show, turned up too loudly. The noise bothers me, but the words don't hold much meaning. (Sad, but it's what I have to do sometimes.) He can tell when I'm really "spacy" as you say, and he'll shout at me to pay attention.
I know what you mean about being able to function, just to do the laundry.
by the way, what if he does the laundry and you give him a reward--a candy bar, video game? Just a thought.

 

[Wiped Out]

First off I'm sending some gentle hugs your way. I know that worn out, beaten down feeling where just hearing the voice can send your stress level through the roof.

I definitely agree with Terry about getting a therapist for yourself. It really helped me through difficult child's darkest days.

Welcome and I am glad you found us but sorry you needed to.

 

[dayatatime]

Thank you for the responses. I am somehow feeling a bit more stamina right now. I do have a great therapist-- been with him for the last 5 or so years-- he's guided me through so much.

While it doesn't give me pleasure that you too have had trouble with just the sound of your difficult children voices, it is comforting. It becomes so easy to feel like I just don't exist. I have plenty of alonon under my belt, though I haven't been very active for a while-- that would be a good thing to return to (speaking of detachment).

My apartment is loft style there aren't doors between rooms. I have other structural problems like that but, financially, I'm not moving for another 2 years. I saw my psychiatrist today and he reminded me that this will end because, if nothing else, difficult child will become an adult. I liked that. It's a little obvious, but it felt good.

Diagnosis-- it's a bit in the air at the moment. It had been conduct disorder, anxiety disorder, and canabis abuse. (I know-- neruosych... hopefully I may be able to get that through the day treatment-- but they are expensive).... Then he stopped the pot because he was getting drug tests through court and took up the synthetic, which was really bad and he got really sick and is actually trying to be sober or his own accord. Truth be told, there are many positive moves. I took him shopping a couple time because he has sudden interest in his appearance (this was during the period he took the Risperidone) and the poor child didn't even know how dressing room works-- that's how unwilling he has always been to go shopping and how much he really didn't care so long as he didn't have be bothered with how the clothes show up in his drawers....

I feel cruel. I'm thinking a lot about how the last hour of a long road trip can feel like three hours, whereas three hours in the beginning or at the middle can feel like one hour. We are very close to higher levels of care. I don't see how the family therapy piece is going to come and we really need that... patience is hard.

Today I came home slowly, ate out before I got home. That's a self care strategy that works well for me-- making sure I'm fed and fed without anyone ranting at me. And not having to cope with difficult children kitchen mess.

School... well- first he just stopped attending- or he went maybe once a week. Then we did an intervention program that wanted me to try homeschooling him since he wouldn't go. As you can imagine that didn't go too well. Then he was stuck on the homeschool roster because the only way to get him off was to bring him to the office of student enrollment and he wouldn't go. I had him arrested, which I totally wish I'd done years earlier and we now have better resources (ie a judge) so he now must go to school or go to jail. He was in jail for about 10 days a couple months ago and he didn't like it.

Back to diagnosis- he stopped smoking the synthetic weed and got totally manic-- like thinking he was Jesus.... it has toned down a bit but there's this level of energy for irritability that is at a new height. So little is known about the fake weed that no one really knows what's going on-- maybe he was bipolar and the pot was masking it, maybe it's a reaction to stopping and his brain will go back, maybe it's a reaction and his brain is just like this now.

He also has constant physical complaints. This weekend he was sure he was having a heart attack and we went to the ER. Now his heals have torn muscle tissue and he needs immediate PT or he's at risk for more damage.... it doesn't end. I think that's the biggest thing-- when "normal" people ask me how things are going the piece they don't get is that the situation is just difficult and there's little hope of that changing any time soon. I suppose there have been times when I've dealt with it better and worse. Right now I know I need to figure out things that I would enjoy and do them-- I need more pleasant events. And I need to stay out of the house as much as possible, though I'm very much a homebody-- introverted, I prize quiet.... libraries are good places for me. And museums. My journal is good for me. I like the idea of pretending he's a tv show.