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The Watercooler
Family dynamics and dealing with a typical teen
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 382919" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>While I think it is sweet of husband to want to "protect" you from difficult child's disrespect, he needs to back off. He can think and feel however he wants, but he is very wrong in this situation. He is actually undermining you and your authority with difficult child. It is NOT what he means to do, I am quite sure. When he steps in to tell difficult child that she needs to treat you with more respect it sends the message that you are not strong enough to tell difficult child that she is being disrespectful and to cut it out. It conveys the message that you need him to tell you when you are being disrespected and to tell the other person to stop it because you are not able to see it or to stop it.</p><p> </p><p>Neither of those things are true.</p><p> </p><p>Guys often don't see that they are sending this message, but it IS the message that kids receive from it. For you the attitude that she is giving you is typical teen and not a high priority. It is Basket C and getting some fun time to build a stronger and more positive relationship with difficult child is Basket A. in my opinion you need to sit down with husband and tell him that you love him and thesentiment behind his actions, but he needs to trust you to take care of your relationship with difficult child. IOW, he can say it in his head but not with his mouth. If you can explain that you are trying to work on the relationship and are ignoring behaviors that are unimportant in the overall scheme of things so that you can work on improving the big picture.</p><p> </p><p>I hope you can get him to understand this, and that he spends some 1:1 time with difficult child too - time that is fun, not time where he is focusing on basket C stuff.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 382919, member: 1233"] While I think it is sweet of husband to want to "protect" you from difficult child's disrespect, he needs to back off. He can think and feel however he wants, but he is very wrong in this situation. He is actually undermining you and your authority with difficult child. It is NOT what he means to do, I am quite sure. When he steps in to tell difficult child that she needs to treat you with more respect it sends the message that you are not strong enough to tell difficult child that she is being disrespectful and to cut it out. It conveys the message that you need him to tell you when you are being disrespected and to tell the other person to stop it because you are not able to see it or to stop it. Neither of those things are true. Guys often don't see that they are sending this message, but it IS the message that kids receive from it. For you the attitude that she is giving you is typical teen and not a high priority. It is Basket C and getting some fun time to build a stronger and more positive relationship with difficult child is Basket A. in my opinion you need to sit down with husband and tell him that you love him and thesentiment behind his actions, but he needs to trust you to take care of your relationship with difficult child. IOW, he can say it in his head but not with his mouth. If you can explain that you are trying to work on the relationship and are ignoring behaviors that are unimportant in the overall scheme of things so that you can work on improving the big picture. I hope you can get him to understand this, and that he spends some 1:1 time with difficult child too - time that is fun, not time where he is focusing on basket C stuff. [/QUOTE]
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